Just don't understand...

[tjb54]

The vehicles need oil changes, think I'll mess with then for a bit for a distraction.

[tjb54]

Oh yeah, thanks for the post workinghardguy.

The thought of being a parttime dad is disturbing.

[tjb54]

Past six days recalled...

This past Sat or Sunday W was out both nights. Imagine that! Some memorial for a fallen soilder followed by OM going away party.(Good Riddens) Rolls in at 1:30am.

Yesterday, OM comes over and meets W at the barn to do the Horses feet before he leaves. Yeah I watched from the house. Nice body language W! 1+ hour out there.

Last night W goes out yet again with friends for a soilder sendoff at a bar in next town. Rolls in 1:30am...imagine that? Ends up inviting new 20yr old girl friend and husband & male friend over tonight for movies and whatnot. Tons of respect....!!!

Had to go to the Sheriffs station to be served my divorce papers today. Either pick them up or they send over a squad to serve. Brought S4 with and afterwards we ended up having MickeyD's for lunch then took him to a park to play on the playground. The house I'm looking at is about 3 blocks down. I really hope I get this! I have to!!!

Get back at 2:30pm and W is waiting on us. Apparently she's going into a town over to meet with a couple of girl friends of hers for lunch. Hows that saying go about the WAW? "Believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do." Something like that.

She has a funeral to go to at 5-7pm.

It's been one shitty week. So wish I could self initiate a massive heart attack!!

Tonight ought to be interesting.....

[sandi2]

So wish I could self initiate a massive heart attack!!

Shame on you for saying such a selfish thing as that!! If I believed you really meant that....I would seriously get on your case!

You asked me earlier how could you stop letting fear be in control. I believe we have to operate out of our personal belief system.....and not the emotion of fear. Fear is a feeling and sometimes we just have to experience that feeling and go on and "do" the right thing anyway. We may not always be able to stop feeling afraid, but we don't have to allow the fear to paralyze our actions.

Bear with me, please, while I share something with you. I remember my dad talking about WWII and the Normandy invasion. He said most of them were just young boys and they were so scared that they were throwing up before they got to the beach. But.....they knew what they had to do...and so they did it, afraid. When I saw the movie Saving Private Ryan...and how the enemy was just mowing the guys down before they even set foot on land....I remembered my dad talking about the day the ocean turned to blood. NOW THAT WAS FEAR!

Sometimes we have to stop and think about those couples who are told their baby girl has cancer, or that their son won't walk again. In other words, there is always somebody who has problems bigger than ours. It's not usually what we want to do when we're already depressed and facing a possible divorce, but the point is to think past our own pain and then maybe we can see the bigger picture more clearly.

I truly hope you can think past your pain, and do what works in your MR(and what is right)and if you must...then do it even though you are afraid. You may not stop experiencing fear all together, but that's how you stop allowing it to control your life.

(hugs)

[tjb54]

Sandi2, yes it was and I apologize to all.

I can't seem to recognize my fear. I believe it's not so much the fear of loosing my W as it is the fear of the pain that my kids are going to suffer. The fear of not seeing the kids daily. I think those are my main fears.

I've given up trying to understand the thought process thats involved with throwing away 13 yrs together without even trying to work on it as a couple. Don't understand it, never will. I was talking to my brother on the phone today and told him that I wasn't even sure I'd wanna try and work it out if she were to change her mind tomorrow. Too much pain, lying, disrespecting, mistrust.

Maybe I'm just blowing smoke at myself, who know?

[workinghardguy]

Hey TJ, I can completely relate... it's the fear of not seeing my S (who's 5) every day that gets me in the gut. I love my W and she is my best friend. I would be very sad to go day to day without her in my life. But I've been there before, I survived, I moved on... but it's when I'm with my son that I freeze up. When my S crawled in bed this morning to snuggle with me it absolutely broker my heart.

I don't know you're exact situation but here is what has helped me deal with it...
- first, I've sat down and put on paper what I would want with visitation and placement. Seeing it on paper is hard, but also made me realize it's not as bad as it seems.
- Next I compared that scheduled to what my life is like now. Most weeks I'm gone at least two nights a week and at least one weekend a month doing stuff. Ok... so if my wife and I split time 50/50 then that's three days or so a week I may not see him. That's not all that different than it is now.
- I got very specific about placement issues. I know child care after school would be an issue and I already pick him up two days a week (my W does 2 days, and my mom does one). I wouldn't see that changing... so, there's more contact.
- I figure I could easily pick him up and take him school in the mornings. It's on my way, so why not?
- We live in a small town and I've vowed that I will stay here and within blocks of the house if at all possible. I don't want there to be a 30 minute commute getting in the way.

When I did all that it still absolutely sucked, but not as much as when I first thought about it. I'm still not sure how the whole SS and SD thing would work out... and I don't want to remove my S from his brother and sister, they all love each other so much.

[tjb54]

Funny thing is that about 2 weeks ago my W told me that she still considered me her best friend. Didn't know quite how to respond to that.
Our first talk of parenting time was almost a 50/50. I was thinking Thurs night till Sun night every weekend and she was fine with that. That was until she contacted a lawyer. Then there haave been numerous little changes that are being brought up. Boy I can't stand lawyers. I place them alongside bankers and salesman.
Thing is 50/50 usually takes away child support. Heck, I'd agree to still pay CS for 50/50.

[tjb54]

Also, about my SD. I'd happily have her over with my D & S. I've been with her since she was in diapers and like you, I'd hate to see then separated from each other for even the slightest amount of time.

[workinghardguy]

I'm with you there, on the stepkids thing... I too would gladly have them over, I just don't know how that would fly with their dad. I'm sure they'd be fine doing a day thing but staying overnight seems a road too far.

Our S and his older SS and SB are separated on and off already when they go see their dad. So he's used to some small period separation. Sometimes in the summer it can be up to a week at a time; my S struggles with that much time away from them.

The 50/50 thing does have the added benefit of child support reduction I absolutely would want my son 50/50 (at a minimum!) but I also like the fact that it really drives down support. In Wisconsin it's a pretty straight forward formula so it's pretty easy to calculate. At 50/50 she gets about $100-$150 a month from me. Good luck with that!

[sandi2]

I can't seem to recognize my fear

Could you explain what you mean?