Just don't understand...

[tjb54]

25yearsmlc,
All the projects I'm doing I guess is my attempt at 180. Would love to GAL, but all these project buildup have been one of the major problems. We're living in one of her parents farmhouse and part of not paying rent was that I was to work on the house. I never felt a need to rush, because in my mind, what was the rush? It's not like I was going anywhere, right? Yeah, I'm a dumbarse!! Hindsight I guess...

When we moved to where we're at 4 years ago, I started working for the FIL. I married the farmers daughter basically. Step-daughter anyway. What blows is that her mother and FIL are totally supportive of W and her decision. They are really close. Two weeks after our talk on 7/18 my FIL told me that this was going to be the last season farming this farm. He has two of them. So he'd no longer need my help after this Fall. So in the last month, I've lost my job and W. Dropped 20 pounds in 4 weeks though.
Depression diet -> not for everyone.

I'm totally disappointed with myself about the sex issue!! Sad this is that I recall that we had a serious conversation a year ago this past March. I just didn't listen! I heard, but didn't listen. Wish I had a time machine....

I've contacted a lawyer, just haven't hired one yet. He told me that if my FIL wants me out, it's his call. Since it's his house and daughter. Hoping he doesn't use this cards, but it's a possibility. Wife has made it clear that she wants me to move out. I'm basically stalling, so as I don't end up wasting money on some apartment. I'd rather not want my kids to be with dad in some dive somewhere till I get a place.

My W is from a divorced family. Her parents split when they were about our ages now. Also, my SD12 is the same age as when her parents divorced. Maybe that's why it's acceptable? More than one she's told me that she knows exactly what SD12 will go through. I on hte other hand don't believe she does. Reason being that now SD12 will have 2 dads that will no longer be. My heart breaks thinking about it. I'm super dad to these kids and she knows that. She's told me as of recent.

We function as a family and I believe it's gonna hit them hard. She mentioned again about a week ago that we should inform the kids. My thoughts are, why rush it?

Have more to say, but on a positive note. Wife jsut texted me and will be arriving shortly. We're going to a big birthday bash for a friend of ours. It's been a while since we've done anything without the kids. Looking forward to it. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of her friends that are in the know about us along with her mother and FIL. Might be a little uncomfortable. Ahhh well, me needs a break.

[tjb54]

Well the night was a flop. W never said, but I got the feeling she would've preferred my absence. Anyway, we chatted 3-4 times throughout the night. MIL was pleasant, FIL pretty much cold shoulder. Still can't figure him out. We worked sideby side for 4 years.

Probably a big no no, but I spent the majority of the night chatting with the daughter of a friend of my inlaws. She introduced herself by saying, "Hi, I'm X, and your cute." Talk about a much needed ego boost. So, we just chatted. I'm sure I said too much, but convo was easy going. Several times throughout the evening I noticed my wife watching from a distance while dancing or chatting with her girlfriends. It wasn't brought up on our way home. Who know what her thoughts were on this, but should I even be interested or care? To tell you the truth though, I feel/felt a little guilty.

It feels like W is DB'ing me. In the past month or so, she's all dressed up 24/7 and GAL'ing like crazy. Out every weekend with her friends and social media ing like crazy. Heck, even sleeps with the cell by her head.

I read someones post a few weeks ago and it was suggested that moving out or the D was needed to allow the time and space needed for the WAS. Is this valid?

How do I make this world stop spinning? Quick, someone hit me with a 2x4 or Mac truck!!

[sandi2]

You will not be able to "understand" a WAW. What you needed to do was understand when she was your real wife. She doesn't see herself in that role at this stage. She is different from the person you M, right? She may or may not ever find that person again. So, it's a very serious state.

I think the LBH experiences fear,(which is normal, IMHO) b/c he doesn't want to lose his family. He is confused at what's happening to his W that has turned her into somebody he doesn't know. He begans feeling very desparate to do something to save the M and the family.

So, what you're feeling is to be expected. However, you cannot operate out of fear. As long as fear is the motivation, you are sure to mess up in the DBing part. First thing you need to do....starting right now, is to get in control of fear....insead of it controlling you!

This is so important when DBing. A WAW can smell the fear in her LBH and it seems to make her act very nasty toward him. It is a huge turn-off to her, and that's why she won't respect you and why she doesn't want to be around you. But I suspect that has been in the works for a while now.

My H has a habit of not getting into "projects" around the house. He, like you, does not see the hurry about it. He is much that way about everything in life. He use to be very passive. Do you think you fall into that catagory?I've notice my son has done the same thing in his M. He's just pretty much handed his W the reigns and whatever she wants to do.....that's fine. And all the time, he's got his head in the computer games or TV. Guess what? She recently told him she's not happy. You see, women don't like men who will not take care of the things that needs to done. And they sure don't like to come home from work to find the H has spent his day doing anything except what would mean an awful lot to her. However, now that you've tried to do those jobs "after" she's left you....she won't be too impressed, and probably think that you way to pull her back in.

[tjb54]

So, what you're feeling is to be expected. However, you cannot operate out of fear. As long as fear is the motivation, you are sure to mess up in the DBing part. First thing you need to do....starting right now, is to get in control of fear....insead of it controlling you!

How does one do this?

[tjb54]

I agree 100% Sandi2.

Last week while R talking that she brought up, not me. She made the statement, "If anything positive, you'll sure make some woman very happy someday."

[workinghardguy]

Sandi2 is absolutely right on... being new to this world I can honestly say that is the hardest part of this. The gut-wrenching fear and constantly wondering is today the day? What happens to our family? What will my friends think?

It's the part I struggle with the most... the powerlessness of it all. You have to find a place where you can accept and work from not being afraid of loss. The last few days I've taken to having "rehearsals" with myself. Going through what the conversation might sound like if my W asks for a D. Coming up with ideas and plans. I've done budgets, researched laws, and even come up with visitation schedules. I absolutely don't want to go there... I absolutely want my family to stay together. But I also need to prove to myself that life will go on, that there is another path, and to see it for what it is.

My fear of the unknown is what drove me to spy on my W via her FB account. She found out and is still angry and hurt. We do stupid things when we're afraid. Somehow you have to find a way to manage that fear and put it aside.

And it's not the same as not caring. I do care what happens. It's more of realizing what we are powerless over and letting that go.

[tjb54]

Why is it that I can find similarities in most posts that I read?

Workinghardguy, spot on with the FB here as well. Our kids are almost the same ages.

[tjb54]

When does one go 'Dark' or 'LRT'? I tried to locate the 'Dark' section in DR and couldn't find it. Also, are either of these really doable if your still in the same house?

[workinghardguy]

TJB... the LRT in the same house is tough but doable and the dark thing is too. So for example, my wife was gone last weekend and I did some GAL. Didn't tell her. S stayed overnight at my mom's. I got in about 2am. Friends I was with share some common friends with my W. I know it will get back to her. But I'm not telling her. Same with the game. Just texted her that we wouldn't be home but not what we were doing. This week on Thursday I'm planning to take the kids to a night parade we have nearby that's cool to watch. Going to see if anyone wants to tag along. Not going to tell her. Let her get home to an empty house. If she wants to know what we're doing she can call or text, or she can actually talk to me once in a while. Otherwise I'm going to live my life how I want to live my life.

I love the night parade and I know the kids will. She might grump about keeping them out late on a school night (we'll be home by 9 or 9:30), but that's what Dad's do once in a while right? We toss aside the rules to do something cool and fun

As far as the LRT... I say very little right now. I say hi, good night, and talk logistics. I only do #1 and #2 because the kids are around and it would seem odd to them to not see that. I don't text her during the day or send her emails or FB messages unless absolutely necessary. Any advanced logistical stuff (like finance stuff) I email to her and then tell her if she'd like to discuss she certainly can talk to me.

In the morning I get up about 15 minutes before her and get out the door for my exercise. I make sure it takes 45 minutes to exercise so that I get home about 10-15 minutes before she goes to work. We usually cross paths in the bathroom as I'm jumping in the shower... which serves the second purpose that she can visually see what my GAL is doing for me ;-)

[tjb54]

For some odd reason, I'm feeling like there's no change in what she wants. Feeling a little down as she just left to have some docs changed that she got from her lawyer last week. Settlement agreement and parenting docs.

Just when I think I've got a grasp on my emotions...*BAM* I'm thinking I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.