WAW, not sure how to proceed...Part II

[dearme]

Thanks, In_Shock. I really appreciate that.

I've thought about taking my ring off...but the fact of the matter is, I am still committed to her and the marriage and she knows it, and I'm very wary of doing things just to show her something or make her think something...particularly if it isn't true. If she reaches the point where she reverts to saying she's done, rather than "I don't know", the ring of course will come off just as hers has. Right now though, she's acknowledged she's dealing with bigger things within herself (severe, almost life-long codependency) that have affected our marriage, and she's asked for a certain amount of time (undetermined as it may be) to try to get a handle on that without having to come to a decision about "us" yet. I know it is very important to her for her to be able to feel like she's working on her, at her own pace, and for now I'm willing to wait that out. I don't know for how long I'll be willing to do that...but for now, one day at a time, our marriage and family is still worth it to me, hard as it may be to do. So while I sometimes vacillate over ring on/ring off, the part of me that keeps it on do so because of the aforementioned commitment that she and I both know I still have, and because I don't want to do anything that isn't a genuine expression of how I feel or that might be perceived by her as an attempt by me to send her a message or try to speed up her process.

But I don't know...that's the confusing thing...I can see some merits in both continuing to wear it and in deciding to take it off.

[gunny]

hi dearme,
i am in a similar situation, my w and i were living together platonically until my mother came to visit for 2 weeks. she will be moving back in this saturday, then she will be moving to ohio. I will be pulling for you, good luck!
Gunny

[dearme]

I'm curious as to what all of you LBS do in your moments of weakness when you just feel like throwing in the towel...Particularly interested in what any vets/successful DB'ers have to say on the topic. For all the 180's, GAL, and self-care and self-compassion, the limbo is still rough. Living with someone who is completely emotionally unavailable is rough.

I try to remind myself that no matter how good the fantasy of forcing a resolution may seem, I and my kids are still better off with things as they are now than if I pushed my wife to make a decision before she was ready and ultimately forced her out of the house and into separation.

I've just been wrestling the bitterness demon a lot lately...

[LearningPatience]

The moments of weakness become fewer and shallower as time goes on. I don't say this to minimize your sitch, but it has only been three months since your bomb. The whole process takes *much* longer than we think it will. At this point last year, I was planning that W would do this by Halloween, that by Thanksgiving, etc. A few of those things happened, most didn't, I eventually learned to drop the calendar and let things happen at their own pace.

Take it a day at a time right now. Yes, limbo is hell. You just learn to deal with the heat a little better the longer you go

[dearme]

My wife came home a little tipsy last night from a 10 hour fishing trip/cruise sponsored by her work...ok, more than a little tipsy. I would say quite drunk. The alcohol must have gotten her words and emotions flowing, because we ended up having a pretty intense talk.

She told me that in her last independent counseling sessions, she had come to the conclusion that she knew she wanted to stay together at least until the end of the year, because she had realized that she wants to make this relationship work and she felt like she owed it to herself and me and the kids to give it at least that long to see if the feelings she's missing now would come back. She also said she's very scared that they won't, because there's a large part of her that's just completely emotionally cut off from me.

She mentioned all the stuff she's wrestling with right now, from the codependency and her feeling like she has no idea who she is or who she'll be once she gets the codependency managed, to the simple fact that part of her feels like she'll look like a fool for trashing me to all of her girlfriends and telling everyone she was getting a divorce, and then finding herself considering sticking things out and making an effort at saving the relationship. She also mentioned that she works with a couple of older women who had considered divorce earlier in their marriages, and they decided to stay and now found themselves just as unhappy in their 60's as they were when they were in their 30's, 40's, and 50's. My wife said she's terrified of finding herself in the same position. So she said she couldn't quite go as far as to say she was ready to commit herself to "us" quite yet. Another main factor is she said she's been used to living with a different version of me for 7 and a half years, and so isn't ready to let down her guard and fully believe that all the changes she's seen me make are going to stick. The changes she's seeing though are what's making her reconsider...she just never expected that when she told me she wanted a divorce, I would actually change. I think it's really thrown her for a loop. She said she has built up tons of walls to protect herself, and those walls aren't going to come down easily, but that she hopes that they will come down. While they're still up though, she said they prevent herself from feeling a lot of what she wants to feel toward me. She said the sexual attraction is almost completely absent right now, and that even though she sometimes feels like she wants to be close to and affectionate toward me, there are other times when she's overwhelmed with anger and wants to be as far away from me as possible.

She said that she loves me though (first time she's said it in 3 months), that I'm her babe, and that she doesn't want to lose our friendship or break up our family and that she really just wants us to work. Whether or not we will make it, she said she doesn't know, but she said she really hopes that she can figure her stuff out and that in doing so we can rebuild a better marriage. Part of her is worried, I think, that she's afraid healing her codependency will lead to her figuring out that she doesn't want to be married to anyone, not just me.

So, it was a conversation in which I didn't say too much. Just listened to what she had to say for the most part, although I did tell her I love her when she said it to me, definitely returned the kiss she gave me, and I told her it made me happy that she had decided she wanted to at least give it until the end of the year to see what would happen. This morning when we got up, I told her that I appreciated how honest with me she had been the night before, and I've left it at that.

[dearme]

I feel like I'm at a crucial juncture right now...like now more than ever I need to keep up the 180's (doing a good job there), but also step up the GAL. I've been doing a good job sticking to exercising/working out...but I think I need something to keep me busy when we're here in the house together. Something that will either get me out of the house, or give me something to do here at home other than hanging out with her...an in-house hobby. Hanging out with her is great, and I think it's nothing but a good sign that we do hang out...but I should have something else...and I think she needs to see that I have something else.

[dearme]

Today my wife said she hopes that, if she continues to work on the things she needs to and that if I continue with my changes, the two people who will emerge from those processes will be capable of spending the rest of their lives together.

I think that just about sums up our situation right now.

[gunny]

dear me,
glad to hear of the turn for the positive, good luck

[dearme]

Thanks gunny. There's a big question mark hanging over my wife's head regarding who she'll be and how she'll be when she starts getting a handle on the codependency... I think she's afraid she'll discover either she never loved me the way a spouse is supposed to, or that she just doesn't want to be married/in a relationship at all, but where we are now is definitely positive movement away from "I'm done and want a divorce", so... steady as she goes. I think we're moving in the right direction no matter what.

[gunny]

DM,
Sounds like you are. I would give anything to have my w say these things. She has pretty much told me that she loved me, doesnt love me anymore, is very sorry she is hurting me, but must move on in six weeks. I am sick to death about it, but I know I must accept it and move on. Please keep me updated on your sitch, I have good feelings about it.
Gunny