It isn't impacting her the way you want it to, but how is it impacting you? Are you living up to what is best in you?
It's a mixed bag honestly. In some ways.. I am really happy with myself. My dad left for 9 months when I was 9 and I never really got past it. While in MC with my w, I explained that this felt very similar to me. I promised her and myself that I would do everything in my power not to hate her. To stop being selfish and hear what she has to say. I've made it a point to do that across the board in my life and am really happy with the results. It's radically changing almost all aspects of my life.. except with w.
The negative side is that it feels like constant work. It's constant because I don't get to "shut off". I don't get to let the anger consume me. So feeling everything else is painful. It's retraining my brain ALL THE TIME. At least that what it feels like.
While I change and my w appears to not notice anymore, it's a huge temptation to "treat her as she treats me" vs. "treating her as I would want to be treated". It's not that she is being mean, it's just that she has stopped caring about if things hurt me, she has stopped caring about my feelings. It doesn't help that some of my friends think that I abuse the grace and compassion to stop from moving on and to fuel my co-dependency issues.
It's a lot aeo and If I'm honest, I'm fighting myself. I'm fighting my selfish wants and fighting my negative feelings. I very much felt like I didn't have a "voice" in my m. Now I don't have one in my D and it bothers me. The truth is that I do have a voice, always have, but never thought my w heard me or have been afraid to use it.. etc.
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
Crystal clear. You feel like she is monitoring your experiences and adventures so she is kind of 'connected' but at the same time she is free from having to make any kind of substantial movement in terms of being a part of your real life. Given your previous relationship dynamic, this kind of thing seems off to you, right?
it is a change in dynamic. My w and I spent a lot of time together. Too much time together. The reasons behind are both positive and negative. She admitted that I embarrassed her. I was too shy and a lot of her friends weren't super comfortable with a lesbian couple. I. She always wanted to be normal and we weren't. It was always hard walking into a situation where people didn't accept me My friends were a complete 180 but I had more. She felt jealous.
However at the same time, it is the same. My w ran when things got hard. When she didn't want to deal with me or m, she didn't. When she didn't feel like she was worthy to be in people's lives, she didn't make the effort. I don't know what her reasons are now.. I guess it doesn't matter.
Sometimes when I talk about all of this stuff.. I think "no wonder she feels like we can't change our dynamic. We were so unhealthy together in a lot of ways.. no wonder she doesn't want to work on the m or have me in her life. It would mean a sh!tload of work".
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
You have done tremendous work and evolved a lot over the past 5 months. This is important stuff! I have to think that you respect yourself more as a result of all of this. As you acknowledge, your W's path right now is pretty blatantly her own. Whether or not it leads her to where she believes it may take her, well... who knows?
Thank you. I do. That's true about w. Just dealing with the fact it doesn't include me. In many ways it feels like I'm back in every stage of the grieving process EXCEPT acceptance.. which is where I want to be.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
"However at the same time, it is the same. My w ran when things got hard. When she didn't want to deal with me or m, she didn't. When she didn't feel like she was worthy to be in people's lives, she didn't make the effort. I don't know what her reasons are now.. I guess it doesn't matter.
Sometimes when I talk about all of this stuff.. I think "no wonder she feels like we can't change our dynamic. We were so unhealthy together in a lot of ways.. no wonder she doesn't want to work on the m or have me in her life. It would mean a sh!tload of work".
This. Right here. You have nailed what I think is true for so many couples. I read this and thought, "That's us."
Why do so many marriages fail, yet we all know at least 1 couple who make it look so effortless; couples who have been married 30, 40, 50 years...
Trust and honesty, I suppose. My W used to say she didn't feel safe with me...she meant she could not feel safe opening up to me. Like your W, it was easier for my W to just not put the effort into breaking that barrier, which would frustrate me, which would cause her to shut down even more and on and on and on...
any chance posted a question in his thread asking when I (or anyone) knew it was time to say "Enough. I'm done." To paraphrase my reply, I said that when I tried to picture us reconciled, I saw a marriage of suspicion and convenience. I thought it would be too easy for us to slip back into our co-dependent ways, regardless of how much work I had successfully done on myself, because my W has not and will not look inside herself and try to take out the garbage.
I guess what I'm saying, V, is that if you step back from where you are right now and take an honest, cold, realistic look at where you would be with your W if you reconciled, you might come to the same conclusions.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
The negative side is that it feels like constant work. It's constant because I don't get to "shut off". I don't get to let the anger consume me. So feeling everything else is painful. It's retraining my brain ALL THE TIME. At least that what it feels like.
So you feel like the work of feeling the pain without going into anger is work?
It probably is, in many ways. You are confronting your impulses to get more 'animalistic' and working keeping your thoughts in the most 'human' part of the brain (the parts that have evolved most recently and are broadly seen as the source of our highest cognitive functions). So.. yeah. You are working to retrain your brain.
But that is a good thing, for you - you're evolving!
Quote:
It's not that she is being mean, it's just that she has stopped caring about if things hurt me, she has stopped caring about my feelings. It doesn't help that some of my friends think that I abuse the grace and compassion to stop from moving on and to fuel my co-dependency issues.
So, in your mind, do you think that her choices and behaviors should be playing a role in yours at this point?
Do you think you are abusing grace and compassion?
How is it stopping you from moving on? And how is it fueling your "co-dependency issues"?
Does the fact that you are choosing to be graceful and compassionate towards your W despite her actions towards you make you a more or less reactive person?
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It's a lot aeo and If I'm honest, I'm fighting myself. I'm fighting my selfish wants and fighting my negative feelings. I very much felt like I didn't have a "voice" in my m.
Are all your wants selfish? None of them are valid?
You are a warrior heroically doing battle with your own dark side. You are bravely staring into the face of your self and not turning away. Its a battle only you can wage but you seem to be waging it with a strong heart.
Some of what you say about your shyness and her wishes to be normal and running resonate with my own sitch, so forgive me if this feels at all like I'm projecting on to yours.
What do you think her wishes to be 'normal' were rooted in?
I wonder if your shyness and her tendency to run aren't two sides of a very similar coin? Do you think thats possible?
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In many ways it feels like I'm back in every stage of the grieving process EXCEPT acceptance.. which is where I want to be.
What do you feel like you are grieving?
What is it that you are accepting?
Is it different from what you were grieving/accepting before?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Been waking up after only 5 hrs of sleep every night all week and very sick to my stomach. This stopped in August.. I'm not too excited about it coming back.
Work has me stressed. One of the producers is green but instead of admitting when she doesn't know the rules, she just makes my job difficult. Trying different tactics (other than telling her what how it is) but nothing seems to be working. It's like high school.
Birthday celebration is tomorrow. Still haven't found a bar yet.. but have friends on it. I had a dream that my w had a surprise birthday gift for me to go paintballing and was upset that I was going with my friends instead.
That was fun. I've been trying to push w out of my mind since my work has me a little too busy to do anything about it. So I guess my sitch needed to work it's way into my brain somehow.
The dream was about two things. The stress and sadness of my 1st birthday w/o w. I know I will be hurt if she doesn't wish me happy birthday. I know I will be hurt if she does. Trying to manage my expectations there.
The 2nd is of her being jealous of my friends. It's not like I hung out with them often, but I always did get alot more phone calls and invites than her. It wasn't she joined OA until she began to have a social life.. with other OAers.
I responded to her asset list yesterday. Her list is very broad. It looks like it took her 5 minutes to write it. I created one awhile back that is in much more detail. So I told her I will have stuff to add to it. She included our wedding rings on the list which I thought was interesting. I didn't even think to consider them.
I also told her I couldn't meet in Sept. I'm working 14 hrs a day M-F and our mediator isn't available on the weekends. I said we could try to schedule the first week in October. I don't know how she will handle it.
I still don't really want to see her though. I don't want to have these meetings and I don't want D. Weird thing is that I'm not sure I want M either. There are a ton of feelings there.
However I have to make sure I'm not using this feelings to run away from her. I've been praying to God that if he doesn't feel I'm ready to take this step to not open the door.. but when he feels I am, I will walk through it.
I will be scared sh!tless... but I'll take that first step.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, your growth is amazing. I think you have done so much hard work on yourself. I always read your posts.
If you get a chance, go check out mine. I could use your insight in addition to all the great insight I get over there (25 years is a true fountain of wisdom!!). I guess since u and I are both in same sex R, i was wondering if you had anything to add to my sitch. Right now I'm thinking i'm hitting a rock bottom... and not sure how/if I'll make it through.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
@ Shock. Thank you.. I appreciate it! It's definitely a 2 step forward, 1 step back process. I'm okay with that.
I have been reading your sitch so I will post soon. Sorry.. I've been super busy and super emotional. When I'm emotional I don't post much as I can't be trusted with what I say.. .
In the meantime, listen to 25. She pushes me really hard. She sometimes says things that I don't want to hear but she always speaks up for my w who can't defend herself here.
((( ))) Hang tight. You'll get through this.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
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