I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[angel61]

CTflor, you asked me if I used any of the DB techniques.

I did, but like you, I had such a difficult time because i was, and am co-dependent on my H, and he with me.

TI was riding the coaster so hard with him.

But the only thing really that has helped me get through was to detach somehow, although I always backslide, but that was the only way to get through each day.

My H actually was quite self-aware, just like yours.

All I can say, from my experience, is that you have to be strong, don't show him your tears.

MLC spouses think differently. Even just watching what they do, looking at them when they are on the phone or computer is "control".

That longing for freedom is such an illogical ache in their brains. Everything we say is an attck on them, is a meddling, is control.

I think if you read my threads, and the advice from the vets, you might glean somethings.

But I myself just recently backslid hugely, mainly because of D12, and to think I have been doing this for a year now.

Hang in there, it will get better, trust me.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you for sharing this with me. I had a terrible day. I went to bed sad and woke up sad. I tried everything to shake it off.

What is really interesting is...you were right. 100%. I was in the bedroom alone, crying... and h walked in, saw me, had a big sigh and walked out. As he walked out he said he was tired of me feeling sorry for myself.
and I heard him talking to himself and he said "love me love me love me....i neeeeed you" and then he said (expletive) ing unappealing.".

Went back downstairs thinking of your post and the timing of it. Then he came down and said he wanted to say something, and he said "you keep asking me what you can do to change. There is nothing you can do..

He believes you cannot change so he's not going to bother asking, then hoping, and then not seeing it. To him it seems unfair.


25, i used to be a strong woman...used to be a ballet dancer and performer. I used to feel good about myself,

Get back to HER^^^^....yes you can. I'm not saying get on stage and join the Bolshoi, but you can be strong again and feel good about yourself.

You are still YOU!

and since i had my d....its been all about her and all about h.


Change that^^^ dynamic is not good for you, or h, or d, or the marriage. You see that now? That taking care of you is NOT selfish; it's healthy and needed.

[b]
There are not a lot of resources here...and when winter comes, it will be difficult.[/b]

Why do you live there? Can you improve your transportation problems in the short run and get the heck out of there in the long run? No one in the family sounds happy out there...



I have to keep gal w/ the limitations.
Need to stop being needy... Dependent... Etc.


yes you must do this^^^. And insert some positives in there, like things you WILL DO are as important as things you won't do. Make sense?

Before he went to sleep, he hugged me and said i love you, and this time i didnt know if i should say ot back.

I don't know what to say about that. Maybe reciprocate when he says it first...or say "thanks" or say nothing... Maybe the db coach has an idea.

Sometimes it's best to say "I'm sure there's a perfect response to that statement h, but it escapes me right now."

((( )))

[Ctflor]

Thanks Angel & 25,

Angel, maybe our h's are twins? lol I don't know... I think I feel similar to you in that my co depedency is lending to a bigger problem. I don't want to be on the roller coaster, and when I get off I find myself back on.

25, Your advice has truly been helpful... I mean, I'm looking at things in a different way on what I need to be doing just for me. It woke me up.

I was thinking today when I was out for a walk and I wondered about approaching h calmly in a few days and talking to him about my future, as in my possible future alone if things didn't work out. I want to talk to him about my lack of resources here, and how much I want to be standing on my own feet and not lean on him. I want to tell him that, as we go through mc, I'd like to also be in a better position where I'm living in a place that can offer me more. Public transportation, schools for D, (we have to homeschool now), more job opportunities for when I graduate. I have to do my practicum eventually.

I want to ask him if he will consider moving to a more populated area, as we go through mc, and see what happens. Also want to tell him that I wouldn't see the move as a definitive on our relationship. I want him to know he has the door open ... and if he's truly not happy he has an option for himself.

I'm just really afraid of being stuck up here... and I need to be strong ... I don't feel I can be strong up here when there is nothing for me should I need to move on with my own life.

I don't know if this is a bad idea... but I'm brainstorming thinking of d and I.

[Ctflor]

I have a Q...

My h took up smoking... he knows I know he smokes. I've seen the pack in the car... and I don't make a big deal of it. He once said he felt ashamed about his smoking.

I know about it.. I don't really care about it, so why does he continue hiding the packs of cigs?

I have NOT snooped! I promise. But I can smell it real strong in the garage and car.

Is he hiding it because that's his way of being in control, to hide things from me?

I also promise I won't say a word about it to him. I'm learning the hard way.

[25yearsmlc]

when we lived in the interior of Alaska it was hard in the winter. HARD AS HELL...incomprehensible cold, and hours and hours of darkness and so few people...

I know what that's like and I live near a large city in southern Calif for a reason.

The move could help ALL of you and in any event, the more independent you AND D are, the less burdened he'll feel. That can't be a bad thing. But don't connect it to marrriage

say it's to help prepare for either way as if you are preparing for both ways

which you have to do anyhow.

I could be wrong, but from my stand point it seems like a good idea to move in closer. For ALL concerned. Give your d something else to focus on and helps her GAL too...

(( ))

[Ctflor]

25, don't want to give too much info out...i was born in anchorage and lived 10 years in Nome! Interesting enough, ca is where im trying to go back to.

Do you miss AK?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

so why does he continue hiding the packs of cigs?

He once said he felt ashamed about his smoking.

Dollars to donuts: That's why.

I live in AK, Anchorage, termination dust is coming, and I love it. I personally, wouldn't love it, if I had moved here because of my wife's MLC however.

[TAMF]

I was in the bedroom alone, crying... and h walked in, saw me, had a big sigh and walked out. As he walked out he said he was tired of me feeling sorry for myself. I said nothing, although his comment really hurt.

I walked down the hall to go up the stairs and I heard him talking to himself and he said "love me love me love me....i neeeeed you" and then he said (expletive) ing unappealing.".

Went back downstairs thinking of your post and the timing of it. Then he came down and said he wanted to say something, and he said "you keep asking me what you can do to change. There is nothing you can do...its not you, its me and i just dont feel in love, i cant give you what you want from me. Im willing to do the counseling but I dont want you getting up your hopes".

Ctflor - girlfriend, it pains me to read this, because I was just like you in the beginning. I remember one day in the beginning we had spent the day together and when he was going to leave I went into my bedroom and started to bawl my eyes out. I thought he had left to go back to his apt. so I started screaming at the top of my lungs, "nooooo don't leave me"

He hadn't left. He came back into the room, gave me a quick hug, and said that he can't listen to me anymore. It was too much for him. He left as quick as he could.

Months later when I wasn't attached to him anymore we were having a conversation and he said that when I used to do that it made him want to be further away from me and to never come back. It was to depressing and made him feel so guilty.

As hard as it is, try try try to not be depressed around him. I know it seems impossible, but you have to put your best face forward and act like everything is okay. It might be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. but it will help.

big giant mental hugs coming your way from me!! Please try and have a nice weekend. smile, laugh. try.

[25yearsmlc]

25, don't want to give too much info out...i was born in anchorage and lived 10 years in Nome! Interesting enough, ca is where im trying to go back to.

Do you miss AK?

"I miss summers in Alaska...like last summer was great! I think it a Thursday..."

ba da bump!

Actually I miss it a few weeks a year. In the winter I don't miss it at all and the winters were too long &insanely, dangerously cold for me...for really too long. And far far too dark.

In Anchorage there was more to do but the summers I spent there rained mostly.

At least Fairbanks had a summer and less overcast skies, but for me,

there simply wasn't enough to engage in and it was a horrifically labor intensive place to live. But boy did I GAL!! I refused to surrender to the darkness...and a lot of military wives did. I did NOT gain weight there....

GAL stuff I did there--

Did the tanning booths, auditioned for EVERY play I could have a role in, I did stand up Comedy, I worked out 4 x week, got in great shape, volunteered at the women's shelter, did PTA of course, joined a writer's group, took a pottery class (way out of my comfort zone) joined a wives' club (after 15 years active duty finally did) I learned how to fly and got a pilot's license, learned to fish and hunt and snowmachine and cross country ski...got on ADs in the winter and sleep meds for the BRIGHT summer nights...

So I llve here now. It's pricier but activities are cheaper b/c I can walk to the beach in flip flops and walk in great beauty and great weather pretty much year round.

I'm very affected by sunlight. So, there you go.

[25yearsmlc]

jack3

fwiw, you're right about me and Alaska.

If h hadn't "gone native" on me, who knows?

At least then the things I enjoyed doing there, or learned to,

would not have felt like "proof" we had to stay there forever. I am affected by weather and light so I probably would not have ever fully committed to it, but still...

I could have enjoyed it without pressure and he could admit things like, "it gets cold here in the winter" (well, once he said it was "Brisk"...)

For whatever reason, for the first time in our m, h was truly & lastingly, a jerk.

And It began about a month after landing there.

Jack3, I saw it happen to a few others and no place other than Alaska seems to do this to certain people, (mostly men).

So....WTH?

In private, when h isn't around, I tell stories of fun times there...don't tell.