You do not look pathetic at all. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. Now that you know better, you can do better.
That's what is so great about this site. The vets who have stuck around do the great service of passing down what they've learned and experienced on their own journeys.
You do not look pathetic at all. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. Now that you know better, you can do better.
That's what is so great about this site. The vets who have stuck around do the great service of passing down what they've learned and experienced on their own journeys.
Hang in there. It does get better.
CTF,
Don't despair...for one thing, it's more of the same. But keep your eye on the ball b/c this is a learning experience and mistakes will be made.
As the 12 steppers say
"Dear God, help me see that mistakes are not tragedies -- but please help me learn from them!"
And I was as "pathetic" and bitter as anyone here, but a lot more verbal about it!! So what happened?
IN short-
I worked on myself and I changed.
Then the way I interacted with h changed (example below).
Then h changed, and THEN our m entered the phase of piecing, for well over a year.
Then we attended Retrovaille.
For the first time in 5 years, I felt safe in my marriage again--NOT COMPLACENT, but safe...and
there's a big fat difference that is one of the most valuable things I learned here.
That is the summation of my situation in 5 lines or less.
Anyway, pursuant to some great DB coaching advice I got at the time, here's a small but telling example of a change I made in the m and an "almost fight". The way I saw things and reacted were different, and so was h's reaction, and so on...
Below, here's a little but telling example.
Before the MLC, H was our bill payer. He routinely paid ahead of time or on time. Never late.
After he left, he stopped this AND he didn't mention to me, that he would only pay the mortgage...
So to my shock and dismay,
the same day wildfires nearby were forcing evacuations, the Power guy came to turn off our electricity for unpaid bills...lovely...
So I wrote a HUGE check (with penalty added...nice touch)
and when h called later on about the fires, I told him about the utitlies getting nearly turned off.
His first reaction was about HIS credit being affected...after which I almost hung up...
but when I asked about the bill paying situation, so I'd know, he said something in anticipation of me blasting him-
(which was fair b/c it's definitely what I would have done, had it not been for my DB coach session that morning...)
H said "Now YOU get to pay the bills every month, like I've done for the past 20 years!"
and I said "yes, and I want to THANK YOU for that, b/c it Is a stressful chore to do."
He paused for at least 10 seconds, and then replied, "um, you're welcome."
See how different that conversation went?
DB coach had told me to do something I found very very hard to do, as in Mother Teresa hard...
(but unfortunately that says a lot more about how bitter I had become, than how jerky my h was)...
She said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives h does"....
to "Lose the anger, in front of him" and to set reasonable boundaries BUT
"Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth"....
while balancing your own needs in the picture, don't make it harder for them to return, than it already will be...or is...
Hope this helps.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for sharing this with me. I had a terrible day. I went to bed sad and woke up sad. I tried everything to shake it off.
What is really interesting is...you were right. 100%. I was in the bedroom alone, crying... and h walked in, saw me, had a big sigh and walked out. As he walked out he said he was tired of me feeling sorry for myself. I said nothing, although his comment really hurt.
I walked down the hall to go up the stairs and I heard him talking to himself and he said "love me love me love me....i neeeeed you" and then he said (expletive) ing unappealing.".
Went back downstairs thinking of your post and the timing of it. Then he came down and said he wanted to say something, and he said "you keep asking me what you can do to change. There is nothing you can do...its not you, its me and i just dont feel in love, i cant give you what you want from me. Im willing to do the counseling but I dont want you getting up your hopes".
I just sat and listened and nodded, and i asked him if we could not talk about r anymore till counseling. And he agreed.
25, i used to be a strong woman...used to be a ballet dancer and performer. I used to feel good about myself, and since i had my d....its been all about her and all about h. There are not a lot of resources here...and when winter comes, it will be difficult.
I have to keep gal w/ the limitations. Need to stop being needy... Dependent... Etc.
Before he went to sleep, he hugged me and said i love you, and this time i didnt know if i should say ot back.
One reason i felt sad was his words echoing in my head.
I dont feel passion foe you Im not attracted I love you but...
Keeps playing in my head to the point where i feel defeated
Taking yourself at your h's evaluation isn't doing you any favours. He is messed up right now and not thinking straight. Those negative voices play into our feelings of worthlessness. We are not worthless, but wonderful loving people who are here, getting help and advice form others. What are our spouses doing - indulging in self destructive and unkind behaviours, and we are allowing them to make us feel bad. Doesn't make sense does it?
Please do not go there. Approve of yourself, love yourself, value yourself. You are a terrific person battling for your marriage, and not giving in to what a crazy person currently thinks.
A husband worthy of you would be sorry you feel sad, not exasperated.
He constantly tells me he loves me....as he always has. Before bed, before he goes to work, when he comes home....and sometimes before running an errand. And he hugs me...usually close hugs, some lasting awhile...
But...
He is not in love with me Does not feel passion Will not be intimate
I feel glad he still does this, and, its not fake, i can tell that...i just dont understand this behavior and dont know how to react when he acts mean then says i love you. I know...i need to stop rationalizing.
I'm going to take today to pull myself away from him and focus on me and d. I want to be happy today even if he is not.
Read all the MLc stuff - your h is doing the classic script, except he is nicer and more self aware than most!
The MLcer no longer feels 'in love'. This is an integral part of their crisis - that they need to feel in love. It is a form of escapism form their current reality, which they aren't enjoying
what is your medical condition and its' status now (remission, flare up, etc.)?
and where do you live (generally speaking) that you cannot avail yourself of resources?
And can you move to a place where there are PEOPLE??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm in remitt/remissive stage. My attacks come and go with pain, but the optic neuritis is an on going issue to where I won't drive. I'm 30 min away from the nearest town and even there, there arent a lot of resources. When it starts snowing up here we are more house bound.
We were going to move this coming spring, but once he went into mlc and met ow at work...he changed his mind.
I'm desperate to get out of here...very unhappy in the area and so was he, which is why we made plans to go. From what I read, he Believes that if he is free, ow might have him. She is to return in jan or feb....and although he says he is not biding his time here i think hes staying because of that.
I have already told him this is my last winter here and he didnt say anything to that.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
