H said he wanted to talk to me...and i think the conversation was good, but i am left trying to understand a few things on where he is coming from.
Some of the things he said...
1. I havent made up my mind yet, and i want to stay and try mc, then go from there. 2. I will be honest even if it hurts 3. I won't pursue anyone else while we are giving it another try/mc 4. I'm tired of the day to day existance of our lives here 5. I dont have chemistry with you. We talk, laugh, and enjoy each others company but i dont have sexual feelings. We share a bond, but its not passion. 6. Its not you, its me 7. I have been depressed and sometimes cant make it through the day at work 8. I dont want to see you suffer or hurt, i worry about you 9. I just want to be free, im changing, and i cant shove it down anymore, but im not ready to leave, i want to try this but i think everything will stay the same 10. I dont think i can get my needs met inside the marriage because i want to be alone. I will do what the mc suggests and try to bring me closer but i cant pretend with you if my feelings dont change.
At this point i validated his feelings and painfully accepted them for the first time to him. He actually called his feelings stupid, but i said no, they are not and as much as your feelings hurt me, i see they are genuine and very real.
Lots of crying, him and me both. He was in a mood to talk and not be distant which is good.
I did ask him, what can i change about our daily existance that would make you happy? What can i improve about me.... And he said he didnt know, cause he just wants to be free. And he said there was nothing wrong with me. That im fine. Then he explained that he thought he started to like ow because she seemed to take the misery away. He said he has dropped her because she wasnt responding to him when he tried pursuing her, and didnt want to look ridiculous.
He wants to be in love again and have passion but does not feel it with me naturally. Its not exciting anymore. I explained how this is normal in long term relationships and that it takes two to work on it but he feels it should flow natural and not something you work at.
Ok so, here is what i am confused on... If there is nothing wrong with me, why pursue ow? How can i know what to improve on in order to save my marriage other than gal?
Please, any thoughts on what my h is saying....and my next steps?
Chaos, i think we are co dependent because we are both not big social creatures, and we have been through so much together i think we clung a little. We both have family issues and backgrounds. When he said he wanted to start going out with friends i was surprised but not angry. I just hate feeling threatened ny other women. Today he said, "you dont want me talking to other women at work, but i see men and women who are married, sitting together and talking...its normal" i said it is normal, but to pursue a r with one is wrong...and he did agree on that.
I guess if you are not happy in your m, you will he tempted by females at the work place.
Tamf, that did put a smile on my face i cannot deny that dropping all this weight has been a bad thing. It almost signifies something....dropping pounds and dropping old ways. And yeah i had some weifht to lose lol
Tried practicing a bit of pulling back and the response seemed favorable.
I didnt act clingy as usual I went outside alone for awhile until he came looking for me I kept busy, instead of just planting myself in the living room I kept positive and a little upbeat but not too upbeat where its fake I mirrored. When he got talkative, when he hugged me, when he said he loves me, when he smiled a little....i mirrored him. Hope he doesnt catch on to that. I turned up some music and sang while doing dishes I went for a moonlight walk I did my homework for school
When i felt tears coming on i went where no one could see it. I wanted the evening to be relaxed and cheerful.
The end result of my positive energy was, he seemed a little more drawn by me. He didnt want to go to bed..and kept hanging on to talk about his old hkes he took long ago. He hugged and kissed me in a way that felt closer.
I didnt do any major pulling back, it was just slight.
He looked as if he had been crying when he came home from work...and later when i got back from my walk his eyes were red and puffy. I did not pressure him to talk, i simplynaskes if he was ok and he nodded.
Now you are getting it, so why not Try setting up some doable goals for the short term and then mid term, long term etc??
The short term goals especially, need to be measurable.
Like having 5 min of conversation without conflict...
an evening of no R talk or fighting.
(that can take a long time, but you already have one under your belt!)
essentially you want him to feel comfortable and "safe" around you.
If he's bombarded with guilt or a sense of burdensome duty
well, that's NOT feeling comfortable or safe. Let him relax.
That does NOT mean you must fix him when he's not happy. Back off.
If he is wracked with guilt, don't rescue him. That is not your job and not helping your cause.
I am not into guilting him but the one thing worse than using guilt to manipulate is fixing or repairing the guilt he feels for mistreating you and d..
I think you get it. So now, build another, and then another. They won't all be linear and you'll have some backslides but keep those few, far between and NOT too big.
If an R talk comes up, change the topic.
Be "too busy to discuss that right now", etc.
The easier it is for him to be around you, the less he'll feel the "need to be free"...make sense?
Did you find a support group thru your doctor or local resources? This is something you need to do even if the m were fine. Check out resources in the area for meeting people, getting transportation, etc.
How about a GAL activity?
I cannot stress the GAL enough...please... sounds as if a GAL activity for you would also be a 180, so you're killing two birds with one stone. Lucky!
well, it's late and I"m tired. But keep on keeping on!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I cannot stress the GAL enough...please... sounds as if a GAL activity for you would also be a 180, so you're killing two birds with one stone. Lucky!
CTF - everything 25yearmlc said!! as I was reading your post I was thinking the exact same thing ^^^^^^^^^. GAL!
If you are not exciting enough - go out with friends and be excited! I am NOT saying go out to flirt or anything, just go have a night out with your best girlfriend...come home late! Be happy and excited when you come home.
Right now you are the woman at home that has established this routine that has become stale and old to him. spice things up! and like 25 said, "you will be killing 2 birds with one stone!"
Go have some fun! you need it for you!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
My gal attempt was spoiled last night...or..maybe i allowed it to be. Once again i lost control of my emotions.
My neighbor and i made plans to go see a movie, except she needed to take our car. Once h got home from work, he kissed and hugged me goodbye and out the door we went. We got into the car and as it started a cd began playing. I took it out to put in another and realized it was a copy of one of the cds he made for ow's going away gift.
Tightness came over my chest and my heart pounded. You know, i had already known anout the cd before and asked him not to keep it in OUR car out of respect. He said he would. I didnt want to go to town after that but i forced myself. But thats not all....
As we are nearing into town my friend says something is poking her outer leg by the seat. She pulls over to a parking lot ...and we look for the source of what is poking her. Its a spiral notebook end, caught on her skirt, stuck between the console and seat. As i carefully lift it out...papers fall out...and wouldnt you know...i looked at what it was. One had some poem he had written for ow....describing how he misses talking to her....etc.
There was another page that had a list of things he needed to pack when he moves out...but that list was old...made two days before he dropped the bomb. I saw other pages but i stopped myself there, gathered it up put it in the notebook and out of my sight. This didnt help. I got extremely upset and felt sick. I just wanted to go home. I couldnt pull myself together, and all the way home my friend is going off saying i need to kick him out etc.
All i could think was...how is h going to focus on our marriage if he is still holding on to ow. I felt betrayed all over again...because he told me he would.
Before reaching home, i had calmed down and decided i was not going to say anything. But then he really angered me. He said...with much dissapointment and nastiness..."you're back already? I barely got and hour here". I crumbled and i went off and explained why i was back. Then he got angry and said to stop spying and let him work out his feelings. I told him to keep the cds and his stuff about ow out of our car. He then got quiet and said...he was trying to work out his feelings, and said that since he is not writing her or calling her ...He needed to listen to those songs and write. For a moment i felt like the mother of a teenager. I felt my anger lessen. Then he started in about how ow probably saw him as pathetic anyway...and how embarassed he felt to have to write and tell her he was sorry for dragging her into his problems. I told him that i felt like i wqsnt getting a fair chance here if he was going to focus on her. And he said ...it wasnt just about her...
I dont understand.....and please someone clue me in...
Why is he mourning this girl when she has never reciprocated his feelings...lives in another country...has her own life there now. Why is he so willing to throw everything over for this fantasy?
How will i have a fair chance with my h if he focuses on her?
The reason he's stuck on her isn't about HER. It's about HIM and it's about how you guys live.
What do I mean? Well
the way YOU describe your life and the way you say you behave around your h
is, I'm sorry to say, something I would tire of.
When you describe your utter terror at the thought of losing someone who has mistreated you now for awhile,
You've made it sound as if you are super needy and dependent on him,
and in that sense, you bring little to the table but your needs...(which = his guilt).
Sometimes, I can see why your h's needs as a man, and lover and as a dynamic individual were not met...and why he wants to feel free.
Even though we all struggle with the desire for freedom...as long as some of our needs are met, it is usually manageable.
When you meet your own needs, you'll be able to bring something to the table.
I'm not saying he's being a great guy or that you are supposed to just take it...but dang, back off and take a hard look at yourself to figure out if you really are addressing things that were missing in the marriage before OW came along.
It's clearly not about THEIR R since she didn't reciprocate. But he got a glimpse of another way to live. What do you think about that?
Without talking about it, perhaps there's something you can do to have a piece of that in your life...
some romance, something other than how your illness prevents you AND him from...what?? Running marathons?
Okay, but are there things that have been neglected too much for too long?
What can YOU do that's different?
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I seriously appreciate your honesty...! Thank you! You are right about a few things here. I can see why he would tire of me..i do see where he has been more in a caretaker role too.
I know the disconnect happened after d was born. The romance..the intimacy dwindled. He became detached and I remember asking him often to be intimate but he didnt really want to. We both were under stress. Then the time came after moving here where he wanted to be intimate...but i wasnt in the mood for it.
I have been looking at my fault in this and i accept my side of mistakes. I guess i'm so wrapped up in his ea and the pain of it.
We both have each neglected one another at some point. And ....i am sure it was all adding up to this moment. You are right, 25....he glimpsed a life he would like to have. I hope it's not too late for us. I don't know 25...if he were flat done...maybe he would have already left...maybe he is waiting around for awhile to see what can change.
Thanks for giving me a different perspective.
What i need to do is
Continue gal Give space/back off Stop being confrontational Relax
I think now i understand what he meant when he said he needed a woman that is strong. He told me he saw me as strong from what i physically endure. I didnt get it at the time, but he must have meant someone who is emotionally strong, confident, etc.
He doesnt want to be intimate...and has said if it feels right to him he will. I stopped asking or trying about six weeks ago because i wouldnt pressure him for it.
Man... I am so sad right now. How pathetic do i look on this forum.
I'm open to more suggestions on how i need to conduct myself with h...cause really...i havent been thinking straight.
I think this is my last shot with h, and i dont want to blow it. I think he is hanging around hopeful that something will change. He gives me nothing to go on when i ask him what a change would look like. Says he doesnt know...just wants to be free.
I dont think the break down is all my fault...but if i can work at myself and how i'm acting around h...maybe theres a chance for us.
i cannot deny that dropping all this weight has been a bad thing. It almost signifies something....dropping pounds and dropping old ways. And yeah i had some weifht to lose lol