I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[aeolianchaos]

I feel a sense of desperation to start doing everything right. Look, talk, act the way he woulf find pleasing. Do anything thar would make him happy or love me again.

Ctflor,

I want to respond to your earlier response, but this stood out to me as a problematic stance to be in.

You can't walk on eggshells and remain in a satisfying loving relationship for life.

Perhaps yes, the answer right now may be to pull back. Not to get him to pull forward, but to disentangle your emotions from his responses and behaviors.

Start to just look at yourself and who YOU would love. Who would YOU find pleasing? What do YOU want to do in YOUR time on this earth?

Yes, you've defined at least one part of yourself -- you want to be in a committed monogamous relationship. I don't think that is really in question here.

What about everything else? Friends? Family? Lifestyle? Health? Spirituality? Can you start to try and define these for yourself in the present in a way that isn't about negotiating with your H for his affections and approval?

[Ctflor]

Chaos, you are right...i need to be doing these things. I am stuck in fear and hopelessness. Everything is slipping away. My hopes and dreams. The promises he has broken keep stinging me today. I go from crying to being angry with him. He is so far away now i cant reach him.

I'm so sad today. The gap widens between us. My grip on him has been tight. The more i see that i MUST let go, the pain takes over and im pulled under.

I want to smile again, laugh, and feel happy. I want it to be with my h...i am caught up in thinking of old memories, when we met, married, and all the things we did together. I want him to bring his heart back to me....i want this pain to end today. I want him to walk up to me and tell me what a fool he is and how he wants us back.

These are the things i am struggling to let go of. I miss him so much. He is sitting on the other end the sofa watching tv....but he is thousands of miles away.

He mourns the loss of ow as i mourn the loss of him. She is living in another country.. He told me the other night she never returned his affections. He is like a love sick teenager, who built up a fantasy that crashed in on him.

You are so right chaos....im entangled in this huge mess.

Detachment works by starting to focus only on me and my d? I guess i will fake it till it happens.

Thanks all, for your listening to me here.

[25yearsmlc]

H told me last month im holding on because im afraid to be thrown into the void. Maybe its that and maybe its just cause I love fhis man and can't see life without him.

Like I said, it takes time.

Feeling like you've "failed" is also part of the process.
You have not failed.

In a business partnership if one partner gambles away all the capital and the business folds, the other partner is not responsible for anyone else's flaws.

We all have to move beyond and understand the "emotions" in order to heal from the pain and "detach". The feelings are devastating; we've all experienced them; and you know that already. But it is difficult to work on a M or much else from this emotional place.

Godspeed
Pic

one comment about "failure"...

if my m were to end today, does that mean the 30 YEARS OF M WE HAVE EXPERIENCED, HAVE ALL FAILED?

Or could it mean 25 were great and the last 5 failed?

OR maybe just the last one? See where I'm going with this?

Point is, you can't wipe OUT ALL the other stuff you've done b/c one person decides to end a relationship. It's ONE relationship...with 2 people in it.

Make sense?

[TAMF]

Chaos, you are right...i need to be doing these things. I am stuck in fear and hopelessness. Everything is slipping away. My hopes and dreams. The promises he has broken keep stinging me today. I go from crying to being angry with him. He is so far away now i cant reach him.

I'm so sad today. The gap widens between us. My grip on him has been tight. The more i see that i MUST let go, the pain takes over and im pulled under.

I want to smile again, laugh, and feel happy. I want it to be with my h...i am caught up in thinking of old memories, when we met, married, and all the things we did together. I want him to bring his heart back to me....i want this pain to end today. I want him to walk up to me and tell me what a fool he is and how he wants us back.

Reading this from you brings me back to 1 year ago. It could be me writing what you wrote (it is/was all of us actually), evvery single thought centered around him, your m, your family. And now today I don't feel that pain - I only have memories of the pain. It will get better, only time will help you. and working on your own happiness. and taking care of D. right now you need to focus on other things - I know you think this is impossible - but it can help. read a book, watch a movie, go for a walk. KEEP BUSY.

good luck (((hug)))

[25yearsmlc]

I feel a sense of desperation to start doing everything right. Look, talk, act the way he woulf find pleasing. Do anything thar would make him happy or love me again.

Ctflor,

I want to respond to your earlier response, but this stood out to me as a problematic stance to be in.

You can't walk on eggshells and remain in a satisfying loving relationship for life.

Perhaps yes, the answer right now may be to pull back. Not to get him to pull forward, but to disentangle your emotions from his responses and behaviors.

Start to just look at yourself and who YOU would love. Who would YOU find pleasing? What do YOU want to do in YOUR time on this earth?

Yes, you've defined at least one part of yourself -- you want to be in a committed monogamous relationship. I don't think that is really in question here.

What about everything else? Friends? Family? Lifestyle? Health? Spirituality? Can you start to try and define these for yourself in the present in a way that isn't about negotiating with your H for his affections and approval?

what they said^^^^....

nothing turns a man off more than a woman trying to be change/be inauthentic to please him, (and then 2nd guessing herself on and on...)

Not appealing to him, and not a happy place for YOU!

Be your best you. Be your happiest you.

Leave the results up to God.

[aeolianchaos]

Ctflor,

1. My dad walked out on me and my mom when i was d's age (7) as a child i waited and cried for him to come home every day and one day just gave up.

2. My own mom after her divorce went on to date the most unreliable and abusive men as i was growing up. There was no stability

3. I married right out of high school, and in that 11 year marriage he cheated on me behind my back until i caught him.

4. My 2nd marriage ended up falling apart once he started hitting me about two years in.

5. Then i met my current h online. We communicated for two years until we met. He treated me so good for many years...and when we lost our home in ca and moved to be near his family...this is where the slow downward spiral began i think because we have not really been happy here, yet he is too afraid to move back. With both of us depressed and unhappy...the break between us happened somewhere.

It sounds like you are describing a pattern of experiences in which you feel like you had negative or disappointing interactions with men in relation to either you or your mother. I can see how its possible those are affecting the way you approach your current relationship.

Do you feel like these experiences have in some way shaped the way you perceive relationships and more importantly, the way you perceive yourself and your role as a co-constructor of the relationship?

In speaking to your feelings of being a failure, I wonder why you are willing to let your husband's behavior be the thing that judges who you are?

Perhaps taking some time to really work on defining who you are, and the kind of relationship you want to be in, is in order.

As far as item #5 goes -- it's possible your H could have ended up in the same place no matter where you moved, if thats where his thinking, beliefs, and assumptions were to take him. Of course stress can play a huge role in what people do and what people think. Depression can make it very difficult for people to see all of their options and possibilities, even when cognitively they KNOW there are things they could do.

Yes, Divorce can potentially mess with a kid's head. This is pretty much accepted. But so does cancer, suicide, fire, drug abuse.. etc.. Children possess tremendous resilience and ability to adapt. Your daughter is just beginning to gain concrete reasoning skills and is still constructing the world around her in her head. The more you can help her see, in her language, your resilience and your self-definition/presence, the better. Raised by an awesome mom, she may well thrive.

[aeolianchaos]

The more i see that i MUST let go, the pain takes over and im pulled under.

Suppose you were to reframe this: You aren't letting go of him. You are letting go of your emotional enmeshment to him.

You are letting go of letting the person who is pursuing OW be such a huge factor in your emotional well being.

You are letting go of letting him hurt you.

It sounds like you are struggling with your desires for this not to be happening. Although it would be nice, it seems like these desires (or the shift back to reality) leads you to experience further pain.

I understand that you want to smile, laugh, be happy. What else can you describe that might define who you are and the life that you want to lead?

Detachment works by starting to focus only on me and my d? I guess i will fake it till it happens.

Only focusing on you and your D is a very good idea.

Detachment works by accepting that your emotional well-being always really lies inside of you.

"Happiness is always an inside job" as they like to say.

You are hurting right now. Totally normal. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't fight that pain. If you can start to look at it as an opportunity for growth and development, you may be able to not only become intimately familiar with it - you may realize that whatever the pain is, you are tolerating it already and that you can start to make decisions without fear of it being the major motivator.

[Ctflor]

25years, thanks for clarifying that. It truly put it in a different perspective. I keep reading in the db material that i must change...or become like ow. Maybe i took it too literal. I prefer to be myself, with improvements that are me.

Tamph, thank you...this gives me hope. I keep finding myself hit with overwhelming sadness and crying most of the night. Not crying in front of h.

Chaos, once again you hit the nail on the head. You pose a lot of questions i need to think about. Not letting go of him, but the emotional enmeshment. I have built my life around him the past decade. At one point i think our emotions ran very deeply together. Now, my run deep and he is trying to extricate himself. I hate this, i know its true. There is a co dependency that developed.
I can say it in my mind what i must do, but in my heart...

Letting go of letting him hurt me.... Powerful stuff

You are exactly right... I keep saying this is not happening, dont want to believe it, or revelation about other woman. Anxiety builds, reality slams into me and the waves of pain start hitting me in the gut. I can barely eat since i found out about ow. I try and food tastes bad. I usually enjoy food..and have a healthy appetite. I guess this is normal.

Really, i just feel like im trapped in a nightmare and i want out.

I sit here wondering....if he wants to go so bad, wants to be free as he keeps telling me...why is he still here willing to go to mc?

Thank you all....from my heart, i truly appreciate you.

[aeolianchaos]

I can say it in my mind what i must do, but in my heart...

I'd be worried if you weren't experiencing heartache.

Now, my run deep and he is trying to extricate himself. I hate this, i know its true. There is a co dependency that developed.

Why do you think that your relationship was co-dependent?

[TAMF]

You are exactly right... I keep saying this is not happening, dont want to believe it, or revelation about other woman. Anxiety builds, reality slams into me and the waves of pain start hitting me in the gut. I can barely eat since i found out about ow. I try and food tastes bad. I usually enjoy food..and have a healthy appetite. I guess this is normal.

girlfriend, I am going to try and put a smile on your face wtih what I am about to say - I am not trying to minimize what you are going though ok? but...

the best thing to happen to me through this whole process? I lost 22lbs in 2 months and i look GOOD! nothing beats a separation/marriage problem diet - NOTHING!!

shoot the first sign that I was actually really happy again I gained weight! I was standing on the scale and thought darn it - where is the anxiety that made me not eat!lol!

one day you 2 will laugh about your "diet" that helped make you look amazing! Now if you are going to come back and say that you are already skinny, well then, boo. I don't have any way of putting a smile on your face!