You have asked the dreaded question that torments me - and has tormented me for a long time. No, his comment about thinking he was/is a 'sociopath' was not said in a joking tone. It was scary and he sounded unsure of himself. (He also told me that years before his favorite uncle told him that he was 'white-hearted'- a term in their culture which means born with no conscience.) Ex-P also said, "I don't have emotions." He told me that he wanted to find someone "as shallow as he was." When days later when he finally admitted OW he justified it by saying that he "just wanted to know if he could feel something" - and apparently he did - he was in love with this woman from the internet (though he'd only seen her in person once at that point) and he wanted to marry her. Then he said he must never have loved me - or perhaps loved me at some point in the distant past but couldn't remember what it felt like. Then he coldly picked up the phone and called OW in front of me in our own kitchen...while I was cooking his dinner.
I was horrified. This was a man who had probably told me he loved me 5 times every day until just weeks beforehand. He had been the model of a 'caring and responsible' man. True, he was somewhat emotionally reserved (just like the rest of his family), and he did get cranky once in awhile, but never once did I doubt the genuineness of the apparent empathy, kindness, and generosity I saw him express over and over in the 20 years before this meltdown, no one we knew doubted it either.
Yet, I was watching a person (or the person I thought I knew) unravel before my eyes. Is he a sociopath?? - I don't think so based on all of the reading I've done about it - but something definitely broke down in him...or came up in him. What do you think?
Thank you for letting me express this to you. I genuinely feel that whatever happened to Ex-P, be it a MLC or something else, IT was radical and profound...or else he lied masterfully and hid the truth about himself for 20 years and no one was able to see it.
So is there a connection between a MLC and a mental illness? You might be right. So many MLC "symptoms" are so predictable its scary: the risk-taking, the out-of-nowhere resentment, the spending, the insane new relationship, the 180-degree overnight change in personality and demeanor, forgetting all of their "old life", and the obsession with dying (well, at least my MLCer became obsessed with people who had recently died..even ones he didn't know... and the fear he would die as well...so he had better start living).
When Dr.s observe a cluster of symptoms over and over it becomes a 'Syndrome'. So why isn't it called Mid-Life Syndrome?
There really is something real to this. Its not just men buying sports cars and women dressing in age-inappropriate ways. Its people RADICALLY changing in destructive ways.
I don't think my Ex-P will ever 'wake up.' Something has really gone off inside his head, but I am happy for you that you have the friend of your husband back. Its really quite amazing. I can't imagine the strength you've had to find in yourself over the years. Bi-polar, alcoholism, and MLC - one alone would be a deal-breaker for many. Like I've said, you've shown Amazing Grace.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
It's possible for people to wear a "mask" for years and never reveal their true nature .. until something triggers it and there it is. No, I don't think your Ex is a sociopath from your description but I do think he might have another mental condition .. "narcissism" comes to mind. Mental conditions can be hell to live around and if he does indeed have a disorder, then you can count your blessings that he is not your problem anymore.
I don't mean to undermine your long R with your Ex. You obviously loved him or you wouldn't have stayed with him that long. But maybe he hid the part of his personality that he didn't want you to see, because he knew if you saw the "real" man, you would dump him. He gave you hints, even verbal ones, to warn you. So, maybe the pressure of wearing the mask became too much and he threw it off when he met another woman to invite to the masquerade. She's buying all that now but eventually his true colors will surface again.
I was shocked when I saw the Mr. Hyde personality explode out of my XH. Yes, I knew he was bi-polar and it was triggered by alochol but it was shocking nonetheless. The cruelty and lack of compassion were the most shocking. Often, five minutes later, he could revert to the old H and plead true remorse for what he had just said/done. This is apparently BP rapid cycling. He could run the spectrum from one end to the other in minutes.
I couldn't live that way. I don't know how the OW could live that way, either, but I suspect she had a mental condition of her own. They had each other arrested several times over the course of their affair. When H and I were married, he never even got a parking ticket so the change in behavior was extreme.
Now that he has quit drinking, I don't see any signs of Mr. Hyde. But when you're burned as badly as I was (and you), then it's especially hard to forget. I can forgive him because I know he has chemically-induced BP. But I can never forget ..
Hang in there because life does get better. Hugs to you.
I am so glad to read this. My closest friends/family- those who known the true words and actions my XH used and displayed in the last months of our marriage used the EXACT same descriptions - sociopath and narcicisst. None of them ever really mentioned MLC - I brought that to the table as a possibility. Even my counselor described his behaviors as sociopathic and narcicisstic. Anyway - not sure it really matters.
Val - your situation brings hope to many - you sound so strong I am sure whatever path you choose - you will end up at peace. My situation is probably more like Alones. I don't think my XH will ever wake up and that's why I have no contact with him. Detachment is the only way I can assure I won't get burned. He is a sick man - period. And I need to keep my space as healthy for myself and my kids as possible. But it is a HUGE loss in my life.
Thanks again for sharing!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I think not many people mention MLC because they don't know what it really is. It's not the sports car, secretary thing that so many people have heard poked fun at. It goes oh so much deeper than that.
I believe that people going through deep MLC display many of the same types of characteristics that you do see in narcissists and sociopaths.
IMO, I'm not sure people that are truly this way could hide it so well for years without their partners at least having some idea of who they're living with. (I also think there could be exceptions)
It's why so many LBS report that their MLCers are the opposite of the person they married.
Thanks for the kind words. I do think there is a correlation between a (temporary?) mental disorder and MLC. If you look at typical behaviors of MLCers, they are almost identical. They also resemble behaviors of mental chemical or hormone imbalances.
These people almost invariably become a mirror image of themselves, buy the Harley Davidsons or the red sports car, get the younger OW, risk losing everything that was (and should still be) important to them, etc.
I think the riskier the behavior, the more likely it is MLC (or mental imbalance) and the more chance they might wake up eventually and return to the men they once were. I DON'T think this will happen as long as they are still with OW, still drinking, etc., or still in replay in general. They could get stuck and even if they want to return, they feel they can't.
I think as long as these MLCers are still in the replay mode, it is a futile effort to expect them to "wske up".
I'm just stating my opinions and observations, for what it's worth, lol!! I will read your thread when time permits.
For more than 20 years, though, I had no idea that my H had the capability of being hateful and cruel. It was in him but it was suppressed in him all those years. When it came out, it was an explosion!
Mine always had a short temper. It just got worse over the years.
The last year prior to bomb felt like nothing and no-one was good enough for him but we (me and the kids) were. Eventho, i started feeling like we were a heavy weight on his shoulder. Anger was starting to come out ON US. He was aware that something was defenatly wrong WITH HIM but didn't know what. Like yours, he would blow (monster) and 2 minutes later, ask for forgiveness and cry. High and Lows in matter of minutes. In June 2009, he couldn't take it anymore. I felt like his leaving was his way to protect us from him. Back then, HE WAS AWARE of the pain he caused all of us but had no control over his emotions. In a phone conversation we had, he said that he FELT HE WASN'T GOOD TO ANYONE LIKE THIS! That we deserved much better. He was ashamed of himself and didn't know what else to do. Replay started. Alcohol, OW, spending... Today, he will tell you that he is not sick. There's nothing wrong with him. He lost alot of weight and tells everybody that he exercises. He thinks that he is fouling everyone but he in not fouling me nor the kids nor my family. We know him way to much to fall for it. We have nothing but compassion for what he is going through. Depression is still very present and i'm always there for him through that phase but i do not make myself available to his anger phase anymore because i'm the one that falls down. My self-esteem gets to fragile and i need it to stay strong and help my kids to get through this.
I think some of it is a surprise to the MLCer, too. In mid-life when folks start to evaluate their lives, and where they're at, those things that have been stuffed down successfully for so long bubble up and can no longer be ignored.
When it overflows they have no idea what to do with it and their reactions can be bizarre. Confusion sets in as they try to 'fix it' externally because it is so painful to look within.
They then try to outrun it, and most, not all, come to realize it was not their spouse or their children that caused their unhappiness. It was the issues within that they refused to look at and deal with.
Good for you that you are staying strong for yourself and your kids. These MLCers try to provoke through anger and intimidation and you are not subjecting yourself to that kind of behavior. You are doing great -- I know it's hard to do sometimes but you and your kids will benefit from your strength in the long run.
Exactly. When they can't outrun it, they have to face themselves eventually. It's not a pretty picture, all the devastation they have left in their wake. If you put yourself in their place, can you imagine how hard to face the destruction to the people who loved you most? A lot of MLCers can't face up to it. I think that's why they stay away -- too much guilt.
