Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[aeolianchaos]

I know I still miss her, but there are parts of me that isn't sure if we would get along or if I'd enjoy her company today.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Almost half a year apart - its to be expected that things might be a little funky. Especially that your consciousness is probably in a different space than it was last time.

, it's just hard staying true to it when it's not having the results I want. I know deep down that's not why I show her grace and compassion, but the human side of me is disappointed that it hasn't made her want to be in my life

It isn't impacting her the way you want it to, but how is it impacting you? Are you living up to what is best in you?

I would suggest that it is the human side of you that is doing the work of keeping you on your path despite the fact that it isn't having the effect you want it to have on your W. It is also the side that allows you to deal with the disappointment that you feel at the moment.

I guess I feel like this just enables her to "be in my life" w/o investing in my life. Idk if that makes sense.

Crystal clear. You feel like she is monitoring your experiences and adventures so she is kind of 'connected' but at the same time she is free from having to make any kind of substantial movement in terms of being a part of your real life. Given your previous relationship dynamic, this kind of thing seems off to you, right?

FWIW my W deleted her facebook profile after being a facebook fiend for the past year or so. My M status is still Married although I'm pondering if I should delete it.

The struggle to remain in your own mind in the face of other people's reactivity and opinions can be very difficult. It sounds like you are doing a good job of it by telling your friend he is free to have his feelings and emotions about it but you are going to stick to yours.

I do wonder if perhaps it depends on the way one defines hate and how it is targeted. If you are seeking to be compassionate, hatred is a difficult emotion to reconcile as it requires a lack of empathy.. but perhaps there is room for it within the larger consciousness we all possess. Just a thought.

Therefore my 180s are for me alone and who I want to be. Doing stuff that I can be proud of regardless on if it has any effect on my w.

No harm in this. In fact, there is a lot of good in taking that stance, IMO.

I'm not sure how much I've changed the dynamic of my m in the past 5 months.

Invariably when we change, the world around us changes. It may not always change in the obvious or focused way that we hope for. You know this already, though.

You have done tremendous work and evolved a lot over the past 5 months. This is important stuff! I have to think that you respect yourself more as a result of all of this. As you acknowledge, your W's path right now is pretty blatantly her own. Whether or not it leads her to where she believes it may take her, well... who knows?

[Luckyclover]

Following your story, Val - you are doing great! Very inspirational.

[Valeska19]

@ Lucky
Thanks Lady!

@Aeo
Thanks for your reply. You bring up alot of great points and ask some awesome questions! I will answer once I've collected my thoughts. Appreciate ya man!

Hope everyone GAL's the sh!t out of their weekend.

[Valeska19]

I have been thinking alot about 9/11 today.

I was 18 when it happened. I worked at a bar with no career ambition. I had been out and proud for almost a year and was trying my first relationship with a girl (an unhealthy one but that's another story ).

My mom called and I couldn't believe it. I don't remember crying. Perhaps i did. However I'm not sure I really got the impact on our nation.. or on me. I never thought "What was I suppose take away from this experience or What could I learn from this experience?" I guess that would have been complicated thinking for an 18 yr old.

Now 10 days away from being almost 29 yrs of age, I'm just keep thinking about what if someone I cared about died tomorrow? Not people that I'm on good terms with, but people I struggle with. People who have done me wrong. People in which I associate anger and pain with. People who I associate with fear. So much fear that I can't move forward at times.

People like my w and my dad. What if they were gone for good?

I can argue that my feelings are valid and I can say "You hurt me.. so this justifies my actions". And of course my feelings are valid.. but I guess I am not convinced that they justify not forgiving or at least attempting to heal a relationship.

I'm sure some people that died that day were dealing with our issues. Infidelity, Anger, Abuse, Drugs, Pregnancy, etc. I'm sure there are also their survivors that were also dealing with those issues.

And I wonder.. if either person knew it was going to happen.. would they right their wrongs? I wonder if those feelings and that pain that survivors were going through 10 yrs ago even matter. That in the moment of realization of the loved one being gone, all those "feelings" were replaced by a greater one. If The feelings of anger and fear are now overshadowed by the loss or even the fond memories once shared?

Today I look at 9/11 and am saddened to see that even though we are aware of this possibility, many of us still make the CHOICE to not right our wrongs. We chose to leave the anger in our hearts therefore denying love to not only the people who wronged us, but to ourselves.

Why does it seem that death is one of the biggest motivators to change, yet we always assume it will happen later? We know from the minute we are born, we will die.. yet we still live by this statement "There will always be tomorrow".

I know when I first wrote about 9/11 on FB.. I thought "I wonder if my w will think that I wrote it so I could "tell" her to work on us, because we have all those feelings towards each other. That by writing it, I would be trying to take away her justifications to leaving our m and not talking to me.

I'm sure there is a part of me that is.. but I am taking away the justification for myself as well. It's not ok. It's not okay that I chose to be angry at someone rather than love them. It's not okay that I keep saying "I'll take care of that later".

So maybe after 10 years I finally learned what I needed to from 9/11. Now the challenge will be to live it.

[~ kd ~]

Hey Val...

Just wanted to pop by your thread and tell you I think you're doing fantastic. You've come a long way and are offering great support and feedback to other DBers on the forum...

I love your thought process on this in your post above:

"I'm sure some people that died that day were dealing with our issues. Infidelity, Anger, Abuse, Drugs, Pregnancy, etc. I'm sure there are also their survivors that were also dealing with those issues."

Yes, probably not something an 18yo is likely to process... never mind likely MOST people wouldn't process... fantastic introspection...!

And also, consider how every day, people are being impacted by those thing above... irrelevant of the goings on in the world... while the rest of the world is oblivious...

As we say around here... keep on, keeping on...!

[Valeska19]

Thanks KD! I appreciate you kind words and for stopping by my thread. You offer some pretty great feedback yourself.

[JustStunned]

Val, This will ramble a bit and I’ll use examples from my experience. This isn’t about me I cite examples to clarify what I am trying to say.

In 25’s sig line “Forgiveness: it's your way out of hell.” To me this says forgiveness is key, and learning to forgive yourself, and others for the wrongs is a process we must all eventually master to find peace.

Most of my life Mom has been trying to teach me a life lesson.

I have seen her wronged, anger and in some cases rage have flared, then the next day or so forgiveness. Her mantras have been, “life is too short to stay angry”, “they will pay for the hurt they have caused when they stand before God”, and “forgiving them takes away their ability to hurt me”.

That is not to say she has permitted herself to be wronged repeatedly. She doesn’t carry a grudge, she forgives, and she doesn’t forget. The ability to forgive begins within. You forgive yourself first, realizing your value, that you are worthy of forgiveness. We all are and so are they.

Relationships that were damaged can take a long time to heal. We learn in DR and here that the old relationship may not heal, that we need to think of this as building a new relationship. Regardless of the approach they both need patience, space and hope. There needs to be a genuine desire from all parties to work at it. Sometimes the desire just isn’t present or present at the same time. To pine while waiting for a relationship to heal isn’t healthy and IMO has a very low probability of success. So we GAL and move forward hoping for the day all parties wish to heal the relationship. Confidence and strength are much healthier and attractive than indecision and wasting away.

There was a rift between Mom and who her remaining living brother was. It was big enough for my cousins and me to grow up without ever really knowing each other. My cousin R is five year older than I. I have vague childhood memories of him. I have much better memories of him from the last 15 years.

They healed the rift when they were ready. My Uncle made the first overture expressing concern about a tornado touchdown. He was concerned about Mom’s safety. He was motivated by stories of devastation. Healing took several years, and they became siblings again before he past. Point being they both needed to be ready to forgive themselves.

September 11 is a watershed moment for many it has been burned into the national conscience. It is recent. It is poignant to me also. There are other moments reminding us life is too short for grudges. My father lit a candle and reflected on September 15. I do so on October 23.

I will not tell you what to do with FB. You are in control of what you use it for and what you post there. I will ask is it good for you? Does it forward you?

Currently I use FB for two reasons. There is a small group of friends I connect with. I never thought I would use the evil scourge of the earth for anything this constructive. I also use FB as a window to display “I am still standing here, strong, resolute, my honor and principals intact”. I do not care if she see’s it or what she thinks of it if she does. I post for the extended family, the nieces, nephews and my children, to see how to handle a gut check blow and its aftermath.

[Valeska19]

Thanks JS!! I appreciate you always and feel free to explain yourself with stories anytime.

Like I said to Aeo. I will give my thoughts.. once I have them.

Hard to collect thoughts currently. Swimming in some rough waters right now. My emotions are really high. Been really wanting w to come around - thus causing anger, extreme sadness, and all around - a bunch of other sh!t. Feeling angry at God for allowing this to happen. I actually said.. "but I don't want to grow!" (which is totally not true, but am feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do to keep myself and my life together). Having a hard time allowing my heart to follow my head.

I'm sure this is all coming up from her asking me what I thought of the asset list and continuing to ask when we are going to sit down and have our mediation. I never got one so I told her that. She said "Odd.. here it is".

Stupid expectations. Thinking that it would be as hard for her as it was for me. Hoping she wouldn't send it. I hear 25 saying now.. "It probably was hard for her". I'm sure it was so I'll rephrase "Not hard enough for her to stop wanting D".

Time to be strong and deal with her. Email her back. Try to set a time to have this meeting.

I'm sure it also doesn't help that my birthday is on the 20th. Saturday my friends are being awesome. Paintball in the morning, huge party at night. Alot of mixed feelings there also.

The D is just becoming very real and honestly.. I'm having a hard time handling it. I feel like every thing I would write currently would be a huge journal entry in which I would need an endless supply of tissues and a whiskey and gingerale.

I don't know what this stage is. It kinda blows.

[wawinla]

Val:

Thanks for journaling...you've helped me in my situation.

I'm in a similar stage...the D is becoming real and it's put me in an emotional loop as well. When I think about it, it's like learning someone close to you is terminal ill. You go through the "stages" and you learn "to deal" with the situation. When the person does finally succumb, it opens up a bevy of emotions that you thought you had worked through.

As we all know, no way to bypass this phase. All we can do is keep on keeping on. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. The weather here in LA has been nice...maybe getting out and enjoying the sun will lighten your mood.

[JustStunned]

Val, the rollercoaster ride always gets worse when we have expectations. You have a bunch. It is ok we all do. I try to keep mine at bay or at least turned down to a dull roar. After a long while, longer for some, they begin to fall away. I don’t think they are ever completely gone, but I think eventually we find ways to live again, and live better.

Every so often a vet from here will pop in and speak about how there is a brighter light at the end of the tunnel. That their life is brighter, more satisfying, better after passing through this stinking pile of gelatinous fecal matter. Ever watch the sewer pipe crawl Andy does in the Shawshank Redemption?

In each of our lives we have had experiences that were rights of passage, where we become something better. We will do this again! We will become better!

It is very tempting to map this out. It is natural to do so. We want to know where the end will be. This did not work for me as it set expectations and I became more wrapped up in enduring it than working on bettering myself.

Give yourself a break, you have a lot going on that demands your focus. I expect the shoot you’re on has similar complexities to the projects I have. Compartmentalization is a useful learned skill that has gotten me through more than once.

Try and visualize placing all of this BS, the drama, W, and anything else related into a shoebox, alright a bootbox, place that box on the top shelf in the back of the closet. Only when you’re ready or you absolutely need to pull it down, open it up and deal. They cannot stay locked away forever, although it is tempting to do so. Compartmentalization helps me focus. Not always or as well as I would like, we all have our moments.

There is a concept here about letting go of the WAS. It is referred to as dropping the rope. I probably will not do it justice.

When the WAS departs, running away and we stop the initial pursuit we hold on to hope clinging to pleasant interactions and small signs they are turning back to us. The WAS perceives the hope and runs away faster. It is as if they have an invisible rope tied to them and we hold the other end in a death grip. The more they perceive the resistance of the rope the harder they run. If we drop the rope, then there is no resistance. What are they running from? It cannot be a strategy the rope needs to truly drop. For if it is a strategy when the WAS tests and sees hope renewed they will feel the tug of the rope and run some more.

It is very hard. I know this well as do many others here. If it is not a strategy, if when the WAS tests they do not see hope, they do not feel the tug of the rope then they may stop running for a time and begin to take stock. If they look back then and see the person they would be foolish to leave, and if that vision remains true, then they may begin an overture and the LBS may see the first baby steps to a new R.

It is not all milk and cookies. There are a lot of “ifs” here. Mom used to say “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a very fine Christmas” That is why we better ourselves, steel our resolve to make it out of this hell. For the WAS may not look back until it is too late, until after we have moved on to someone better. There is always someone better!

Do we really want someone who is running away so hard and spewing venom to hurt us? The possessed by the alien WAS? I do not. I deserve better. So do you! Frankly I wouldn’t mind being pursued a little. It would be a much need ego boost. That is not likely to happen sitting around waiting for the drama to end so get out and enjoy your birthday.

Happy birthday! Paintball, whiskey and ginger ale sounds like a recipe to me.
Drink a better whiskey and you will not need to adulterate the taste.