Valeria, I suppose MLC is a bit like an illness. If your husband had been mentally ill for 6 years and did terrible things during those years, it would be easy to forgive because he could not be held 100% accountable for his actions. He would be 'not guilty by reasons of insanity'.
May I ask (and you don't have to give details) to what your EX-H attributes his behaviors/choices during that period? Does he feel he was 'himself,' in other words, acting rationally? Do you feel he was in control of his choices? Have your perceptions about WHY he did what he did helped you in your healing/understanding/acceptance of your Ex-H now?
I do understand how it is possible that you've loved him all of these years - that is truly unconditional love that comes from the best part of ourselves or from our higher power. Its just such a gift you are giving him...He came out the other side and you were still there. Amazing Grace.
I'd hate to see that taken advantage of. Six years of heartache-induced growth & independence is a treasure not to be given away lightly. (Not sure I would give mine up if I survive that long!!!)
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Don't want to Hijack the thread...we had been here 3.5 years when he left.
Do I have legal recourse I'm not aware of? I have a thread under "newcomers" if that is a more appropriate venue.
Sorry Valeria.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
aa35, I didn't realize this wasn't your thread until now. I'll check it out. Sorry V
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Actualy, it did make it a bit easier to know that alcohol triggered his bi-polar condition. I don't think he would have done these things had he been "himself" -- but I'll never know for sure. There were times during those 6 years when he wasn't drinking and he would call me in a rational state of mind. He was his old self and talked about reconciling, but the next time he called he might be spewing venom and being hateful again. I never knew what to expect.
What I think is interesting is that his bi-polar condition mimicked the behavior of MLC. Do all MLCers become temporarily bi-polar?
When he talks about his behavior during those dark 6 years, he doesn't really have an answer. He just wishes he could go back and make different choices. He did tell me that he never loved the OW. When I asked him once about why he stayed with her so long, he said she paid him a lot of attention and made him feel important. (What he didn't say is that she liked to drink and that gave him a ready excuse to stay drunk most of the time)!
If I didn't make him feel important, I guess after 20+ years of marriage, it's easy to get comfortable and take each other for granted. Maybe I'm guilty of that, but it wasn't reason for him to go off the deep end and ruin our lives. He never gave me any warning that he was unhappy or that he was having an affair. We should have been able to sit down and talk out our problems. He says that he sees that now. At the time, he just wanted to drink, spend money without being accountable, and just live for himself.
Well, he did but he also paid a high price for that decision.
He has told me repeatedly during the past 6 years - except when he was drunk and talking trash - that I am the only woman he ever loved. He is still saying it. I believe him. He's also the only man I have ever loved, but I don't know if I can get past it.
Like W2S said, "best buds" might be the way to go right now.
Anyway, just know that sometimes they DO come back .. and it will be up to you (like it's up to me now) if they can return.
V this is a very important comment. I said to a friend today that sometimes the LBS becomes the WAS. It is especially true after a long time apart.
It all about timing. Questions and concerns are: Are you with someone else? Do/could you have feelings for this person again? Why now?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Those are good questions for people who find themselves in a situation like I'm in now. After so long a time, I thought the book was closed for me and H but apparently there is another chapter to write.
1. Your posted on the wrong thread - you obviously meant it for the lady who posted to me last
2. The lady you intended to post to never married the guy so she's not entitled to 50%
3. 2x4's are okay at times but need to be applied a little more gently.
Sorry, my bad.
Just a little info from my own D. I bought out XW out of our house by refinancing. The settlement was to be based on appraised value. The appraisal came in about 50 grand higher than I know anyone in the real world would give me for my house.
My opinion was based on the fact that two doors down a comparable house has been on the market for two years without a sniff and across the street a house just sold for - guess what - the amount I thought mine was worth.
Just so you know, appraisals are merely estimates using formulas and whatever. In this economy, they do not necessarily mirror real life. So you could make out - jus' sayin'. Keep that in mind.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
"What I think is interesting is that his bi-polar condition mimicked the behavior of MLC. Do all MLCers become temporarily bi-polar?"
I don't know about bi-polar, but I'm convinced MLCers do become sociopaths for a time, in that they (hopefully temporarily) jettison their conscience and obligations to right and wrong!
Of course, leading up to my bomb drop, my MLcer said, "I think I might be a sociopath"! At the time, I just said, "Oh dear, not you, you are a good person!"
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Thanks for the info. I will probably sell this house next Spring. It's a unique house, so hopefully it will sell. I have a pretty good idea what it is worth but will get it appraised anyway.
Also, lots of paintful memories here. We had just built it a couple of years before XH left and began life in his alternate universe.
When your Ex said that he might be a sociopath, was it said in a joking manner? If not, what do you think he meant by that?
Sometimes people reveal secret nooks of their personality to others until one day it explodes and there it is.
I saw glimpses of the bi-polar disorder when I was married to XH. In fact, I filed for divorce from him after we had only been married a short time because he began drinking and his personality changed. I dropped the D when he promised to stop drinking if I would take him back. I did and he kept his promise for 18+ years, until 2005.
He had a heart attack a few years ago and was under anesthesia in the OR. For several days he was very erratic. So any mind-altering substance can set off XH's BP. Interestingly, he later said that he didn't remember anything in the days following the surgery!!
