I'm sorry you are going through this experience right now. It is unpleasant and there is no way around it. The best that can be said is that in going through it there may be a whole lot to gain for you, if not your M.
Much like donating bone marrow as opposed to a random accident, meaningful pain is a lot easier to endure than pointless suffering.
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My fear about detaching is...if i do this, he may see it as another reason to get going. He wants to end things because he says he has no chemistry with me.
Why do you want to continue to allow your well-being to be so enmeshed with someone elses actions?
Do you want your husband to only stay if he is worried about feeling guilty for hurting you?
Do you think that is the most you can expect from a M?
Everyone seems to worry about this - if I detach or GAL or have PMA, will it give permission to my S to move forward in leaving me? I know I did for a while, and it seems like many others do so too.
For me, framing it in terms of my own integrity helped to solidify that shift in thinking. Maybe its different for you.. a lot of people start off doing it because it does less harm than continuing the old dramatizing behavior, but soon discover that "oh, I like myself and my life better this way." And they continue for whatever intrinsic benefits they discover.
Either way - continuing to be attached doesn't make a lot of sense right now: you KNOW that he doesn't have your interests in mind, and you KNOW that he isn't willing to be trustworthy. So why not detach from all of that and stand for yourself rather than wait for him to do it?
Heck - it might shake things up a bit for him.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
25...you seem to understand me despite how scattered my posts are.
H poked his head out of the tunnel for awhile last night. I pulled back a little, in a way i havent before. He seemed depressed, and went for a drive. When he got back he said he went to visit with his parents. He looked like he had been crying. I think he is sad over ow. I pulled back a bit and headed out the door for a walk. I came back and he looked like he had been crying more. He asked if i wanted to watch a movie..i said ok.
I paused the movie for a sec to get a drink and i heard him crying... I decided not to pull back too much, but asked him if he was okay. He could barely talk, and finally he said "im a big jerk" i WANTED to say.... Yeah you are but i sat quietly letting him talk with no interferance.
He told me he is feeling guilt... And feels torn between his feelings of wanting to go and his feelings of compassion for me. Instead of begging, pleading...or using his low point to try and change his mind...i just said, dont worry about me, i will be fine. He just looked at me...as if he was a little surprised to hear me say it.
He said..."im feeling too much. I dont know what to do..." and cried more. We sat in silence and i said, if its too much, then lets let it ride tonight. Not everything has to be figured out tonight. He seemed comforted by this...and calmed down. Finished the movie.
After, he kept hanging around to talk...about regular stuff. After the past few weeks of him not wanting my company he was sort of reaching out. When he hugged me goodnight...it was a long intense hug.
He is definitely processing some things...but, i am expecting he will be back in the tunnel tomorrow.
Before all this happened, i had been reading the threads on detachment!
Ct, you're doing great for it being just two months from bomb day. (I was a basket case for it seems like forever.)
I just want you to know detachment is not 100% a will power decision and then it happens instantly. It is more a natural process that takes time coupled with your own determination. The time is different for different people.
You're psyche one day reaches a point where enough is enough and the negative emotions get ratcheted back a little at a time. That usually coinsides with the realization that you can survive and even thrive if the M ultimately fails. The M no longer has a firm grip on your future happiness.
Then you can think straight, set some goals, evaluate the sitch. It looks like your H is on the proverbial fence. You have a better shot than many at saving the M ie. not the old M but making a better/new one. But for pete's sake - detach first, it's healthier for you and ultimately for all.
Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Chaos, those are painful questions... But i do have to wonder if my past plays a part in my desperation to hold on to my h... I'm about to get personal here.
1. My dad walked out on me and my mom when i was d's age (7) as a child i waited and cried for him to come home every day and one day just gave up.
2. My own mom after her divorce went on to date the most unreliable and abusive men as i was growing up. There was no stability
3. I married right out of high school, and in that 11 year marriage he cheated on me behind my back until i caught him.
4. My 2nd marriage ended up falling apart once he started hitting me about two years in.
5. Then i met my current h online. We communicated for two years until we met. He treated me so good for many years...and when we lost our home in ca and moved to be near his family...this is where the slow downward spiral began i think because we have not really been happy here, yet he is too afraid to move back. With both of us depressed and unhappy...the break between us happened somewhere.
I feel as if i am a huge failure. Seriously? I cant make one marriage work. I'm 43 yo. If i cant get it right even once... And no i really dont want another failed marriage. I dont want my d living that pain i am all too familiar with.
Maybe my willingness to take lies and emotional abuse comes from that child in me who is still waiting on the front step each day hoping her dad will show up. I know i have abandonment issues...and dang it....h knew going into this my past. He promised me he would never lie, cheat...well....promises mean nothing.
H told me last month im holding on because im afraid to be thrown into the void. Maybe its that and maybe its just cause i love fhis man and cant see life without him.
I feel a sense of desperation to start doing everything right. Look, talk, act the way he woulf find pleasing. Do anything thar would make him happy or love me again.
I know i cant, but im in the dark ....and i have this one shot at making this work and i dont know what angle or approach to use.
I read your posts, and I think that there are a number of things going on here.
One is that your h definitely seems to be having some sort of MLC, and that is nothing to do with you.
But you do seem to have some very understandable co-dependence issues with men - if you can recognise and continue to deal with these you will have a happier and more fulfilled life, regardless of what your h does. Your pattern is getting better though isn't it? This husband has been a much more reliable man to date, and let's face it, we are all here because our partner is having a crisis, so you are no different from anyone else in that respect.
He has his own problems which only he can resolve. You can maybe help or hinder the process some, but the changes need to be for you, and not to get him back.
You sound as if you have survived a most difficult childhood, two abusive marriages that you had the courage to recover from, health issues and now this. You are a survivor, and this is something to be very proud of.
You are not a failure, That is your perspective, but i see someone who has dealt with real problems and is looking at how to move forward in a positive way.
H told me last month im holding on because im afraid to be thrown into the void. Maybe its that and maybe its just cause I love fhis man and can't see life without him.
Like I said, it takes time.
Feeling like you've "failed" is also part of the process. You have not failed.
In a business partnership if one partner gambles away all the capital and the business folds, the other partner is not responsible for anyone else's flaws.
We all have to move beyond and understand the "emotions" in order to heal from the pain and "detach". The feelings are devastating; we've all experienced them; and you know that already. But it is difficult to work on a M or much else from this emotional place.
Godspeed Pic
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
