This is a tricky one isn't it - because it goes to the basis of the WAS need for "freedom" and "independence". You don't want him thinking of you as a "dependent" and you want him to be your H, not your carer.
I wonder if you could explore any new ways for finding your independence regardless of your illness? Are there community support services available you could take advantage of? Groups of people with your illness who you could join?
All your suggestions are good ones (that you should implement immediately) - but it would probably be good for both of you if you could find ways to get out of the house, and on with your life, that doesn't give him an extra obligation.
Think laterally. Talk to your Dr or the MS support group in your local area ... I'm sure there are lots of options that will give you more GAL options, show your H that you love him, but you don't "need" him and importantly, expand your life and provide you more interests.
A question i wanna throw out here. I AM too available to him and i want to try pulling back a little. In my situation, where i cant just take off and drive...i am wondering what i can do. Going to my room will appear as pouting cause that is what i do when we argue and it would be offputting to him. Would stopping the following possibly push him away further? first off, it's NOT ALL about him now. What do YOU want? You like walking on egg shells all the time? And he's on his way out the door so pushing him further is NOT likely if you are not nasty to him. Pursuing him has not worked and isn't likely to. What were his exact complaints re to you? Are there things you do, other than pout, that he dislikes?
- going to him for a hug do NOT go to him for a hug...if he hugs you, mirror back the type of hug HE gives you. Do not appear to want one and do NOT ask for one. Period.
- [b]starting converations
No R talks from you. Period. None...unless you are fine with him leaving.
As for conversations in general, what would the 180 be? Did you read the DB book? I think you said yes. So in there, they talk about doing the new different behavior so if you normally would start the convos, stop it. But if you are an introvert, begin small conversations that are funny or interesting to him. No big expectations attached. Don't put too much pressure on yourself for this. Silence is not the enemy.
- spending more time outside than indoors where he is Yes^^^
- less talking [/b] I dont want to appear that im pouting...
Don't pout. Appear upbeat, hum if you need to or listen to music. Do things with D. You don't have to be talking to prove you are not pouting. Appear pleasant and a bit mysterious. Read those rules again. And figure out a way to GET OUT b/c this is no way to live anyhow. Your d is watching you and she needs to know to GAL and not expect her spouse to provide all her emotional and social support.
Also, stop all talk about being "in love" or "feeling passion"...
I consider myself to be happily m and I am attracted to my h. But do I feel the same intense passion for him I felt 30 years ago?
No I don't, and I'm not ashamed about that. I think it's normal. Don't get me wrong. It's not a "platonic" relationship, and we have intimacy often. We share a bed and strongly believe in it.
But this focus on "feeling the magic at all times" is Hollywood poop that ruins lives more than it helps. Just my opinion.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Came across more info late last night, this time, not due to my snooping. I don't know how much more, I can take. Another punch to my gut. I'm sitting here, and I just don't know..
Last night I was reading my homework in the chair, and D wakes up crying with leg cramps, so H went to tend to her. But he got up off the computer before closing out his browser... I had to get up and go to the computer to sign in to my classes. I turned on the screen and saw everything in front of me... I KNOW I should not have read anything, but it was very hard for me to look away.
In one journal entry he talks about how he went for a beer with ow when he got off work, and lied to me and said the truck ran out of gas in town and would be late. He went for the beer with her and a group of people to see her off before she left.
And on this entry he wrote, "I was torn up about her leaving, she will be gone for six months. I now have six months to pack up my marriage and get it over with".
So basically... he was planning to get rid of me and D before this girl comes back. He was planning to spend six months trying to hook up with her... and get me and D out of his life. According to the emails I saw, she was barely responsive to his frequent emails and he was acting desperate about her, asking her to write, respond, but she wrote once to tell him how busy she is and did not seem as interested. I know that he started this EA to escape his pain..
But seriously? He had a plan to get rid of me within six months. Wow...
I don't know what to feel here. Feel very sick inside. His plan is almost... I don't know.. evil?
In that same journal entry he wrote, "I hope (ow) will answer my emails, I hope she will like me as much as I do her".
Ok, so this ow he is chasing... does not return the affections he has for her. She has not given him anything but smiles and small talk at work.... he has built up this fantasy about her... and based on his hopes of being with her, he is ready to kick me and his daughter to the curb.
Any thoughts on this?
Thank you so much again, for the responses. I come here to read them when I feel as if I'm slipping off the ledge.
I learned early in my sitch that putting my hand on the hot stove would keep being painful.
What I mean is:
Try not to snoop; nothing good comes from it, and it just increases you pain, anxiety, frustration, depression, the list goes on and on and on.
You cannot control what he does, thinks, feels, wants, plans, this list goes on and on and on as well.
But don't feel helpless. Take care of YOURSELF and D. Don't let your mood, your happiness, your peace of mind, your FUTURE, depend on him. Think of him as an emotional millstone tied to your ankle in the emotional ocean. Don't let that millstone drag you to the bottom; cut the rope.
Once detached, you can think straight and work on what you really want in life.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
How do I detach. My focus is already on my d. I'm in school and since finding out about all of this i cant read my assignments. 25years, i am soooo tired of walking on egg shells in my own home.
I feel that if i dont figure out how to detach, i am going to fall completely apart soon. Not eating, not sleeping. The pain is so overwhelming. H just sits and looks at me...almost as if he keeps wishing i'd keel over or just disappear. He looks at me and his eyes are like cold stones with no soul behind it.
I will not snoop again, in a pickle, learned my lesson the hard way.
Ctflor - first I just want to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. I remember that ledge you speak of very well I also remember checking verizon website about every :30 mins at work counting the text messages between my H and the OW. The pain and agony. I never thought it would stop.
but it does.
Detaching works! it took me a very very long time to figure it out, but just make yourself do it. In time you will figure it out too. don't be hard on yourself when you are unable to detach. Read all you can on detaching - that helps! listen to the vetrans, they have been there, done that, and you can learn from their mistakes and their triumphs.
Hang in there, it is a long journey. but you can do it, I promise.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
None of us want to believe, in fact we CAN'T believe that the person we've devoted our lives to, the person we expected to be with forever could do these things. My H was the LAST person in the world I could have ever imagined doing what he's done. With that said, whatever they go through, be it MLC, normal aging and unhappiness, or some other syndrome, they aren't themselves. The dark sole-less eyes are a sign that there is something wrong.
Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do to help him get through what he is going through. The OW is a symptom, and regardless of whether this one responds, he may seek out another. I'm sorry, but that seems to be how it works around here.
I'm one of the slower learners here, but I have been around for a long time - and "get" things now and then. I make very tiny baby steps forward. What I can tell you is that you will get through this. You will find a way to cope and you will find strength that you never knew you had. You have to find strength for yourself to get through, and you have to be strong for your D.
Your H is going through something very complicated - something you will never understand (although read as much as you can - the MLC resources on this site are a good start), and something you can't help him with (although you will want to try like the majority of us here have).
Take care of yourself, physically, emotionally and legally. You should consider medical help, an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med. The first thing that will help is being able to sleep and eat. You have to be healthy to be strong for you and D. Find a friend or friends that you can talk to (that won't try to steer you in any direction), and come here and post whatever is on your mind. I can tell you from personal experience, your H doesn't want to hear it. Anything you say to him now will be more fuel to justify what he is doing, thinking of doing or planning down the road. Consider therapy for yourself - talking to someone that can listen without bias is often a HUGE help. And, at some point you will need to think about protecting yourself legally. Trust me, I know how scary this sounds - and you will be hoping and praying to never need legal help, but irrational sole-less people often make very bad decisions in life and protecting yourself and your D needs to come first. I know that you hope and pray that your nightmare will end and your H will wake up and realize what he's doing, and I hope for that for you too. However, being protected and informed is never a bad thing.
You have received very good advice about not snooping and learning to detach - and trust me I've been there too. Feeling like you HAVE to know, that knowing will help - only to find that it doesn't; and feeling like there is no way I can let go. But letting go is important to helping you through this. Read the resources. Listen to those veterans that post here. And.....breathe.
When I first came here I didn't think I could live without my H. I was desperate, like most of us that come here. I gradually learned that I can survive. And you will learn the same thing. It takes time. I'm still very much a work in progress, but it's true what they say around here. DBing is not just about trying to save your M - it's learning how to save yourself, because (especially with MLC) saving your M is hard to do when you are dealing with an alien - but there is a world of things you can do to save yourself.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I am asking myself ...can i live without h. When i examine this, the anxiety is overwhelming and i feel a sense of desperation.
My fear about detaching is...if i do this, he may see it as another reason to get going. He wants to end things because he says he has no chemistry with me.
I need to read the books but i cant buy them or he will see the purchase.
Thank you tamf, starting over. I'm coming her and re-reading everyone's posts often. For some reason im having a tough time either retaining or understanding. Sorry guys! The cloud of fof and anxiety is thick.
I just dont know how to act around him. The pain is so intense. He is trying to avoid seeing me, as in seeing me....he is here but its like he cant look at me.
Should i go ahead and be upbeat and smile...i wonder if he will see it as fake. He knows i am upset.
I just dont know how to act around him. The pain is so intense. He is trying to avoid seeing me, as in seeing me....he is here but its like he cant look at me.
Should i go ahead and be upbeat and smile...i wonder if he will see it as fake. He knows i am upset.
get the book and stop caring if he sees the purchase. What difference will it make? So what if he thinks you are "working on things"? Is it better for him to think you are inexplainably sad?
Meanwhile I think Ch 1 is online anyhow.
As for acting upbeat...YES not in a goofy fake way but in a way that shows you know you are a good person and you will ultimately be fine no matter what happens.
Oh, you say you don't FEEL that way? Tough. Fake it til you make it!
It works a lot. And, where the head goes, the heart will follow.
Get your head on straight and get a grip on yourself.
When you wonder about acting upbeat it's as if you think that will make it too easy on him.
Thing is, nothing is easier than leaving someone who reeks of neediness and desparation...even if he "stays" a month longer, all he'll recall is his sheer desire to flee.
Is that what you really want? I thought not.
You want him wondering what the heck is going on. And if you think truly that your disease is something that makes you unattractive you need to find a better support group.
Besides, if you are hoping his sense of duty kicks in, it won't be you trying to manipulate him with pouting or depression.
Fact is, you don't have a lot of choice here.
You need to "woman up" and be as pleasant (but authentic) as you can be.
Also, your d is watching you. Model grace under fire For Her...asap.
And good luck -you are not alone. And you will get through this. I promise.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I also remember checking verizon website about every :30 mins at work counting the text messages between my H and the OW. The pain and agony. I never thought it would stop.