Hi Valeria, I haven't read all of your thread yet. Did you guys divorce or were you just seperated for six years?
I've been married for 25 years and W decided that she was done. We have our court date on 10/14. I shouldn't be, but I'm scared to death.....
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Its good to know that I'm not the only one struggling financially. My ex-partner (we were commonlaw spouses but moved to a non-commonlaw state about three years ago) makes a huge salary - comfortable six figures. I make less than $20K a year. He was always so financially responsible, he said "I'll always take care of you", blah, blah, blah. I worked and worked while he went to grad school, then I changed jobs frequently for his constant job relocations. In the 20 years we were together I never had asked for any control over our finances but I always contributed my full paycheck to our mutual bills. I never asked for anything either. I got one pair of shoes a year - from Payless. I remember being so grateful for that...saying "Thank you!" even though it was a credit card bill that I paid. My sister took me to a beauty salon when I turned 33 as a birthday gift. It was the first time I had ever been.
Then, out of the blue, MLC hit and he left with everything. Just went AWOL. Left me with bills I could never pay. Our house is on the market. I've moved to a rented room...just one room. He took all our savings and bought a house worth over 5x as much as the one we lived in, and now he lives there with the OW. He says his therapist and the OW said he owes me "nothing" (I don't think a therapist would actually say that - unless she got some incredibly skewed version of our relationship). Ex-P ays he worked harder and so its all his. I don't understand what happened. I NEVER, EVER asked for anything. He said I could have made something of myself (he's probably right) but all the while we were together he seemed proud of the work I did - I put myself through school one course at a time, I was valedictorian, and had two part-time jobs. Plus, even though I earned a lot less that him, I put everything I earned into our mutual bills while he saved and saved his money in his personal checking account. I never asked why we always had to live so far beneath our means but now I wonder if all along he was planning to leave with everything - he had well over 150K in his savings account when he left.
This man was always uber-responsible. He was a tightwad but always made a big deal about taking care of me forever. He was the LAST man on earth I would have expected to do this - just go AWOL. I've lost weight on the 'divorce diet' but also because money is so tight. I'm ashamed of having so little. I'm ashamed of people at work noticing that I don't eat lunch, I'm ashamed of having to rely on public internet when I have to send emails for work. I'm ashamed that by the end of the week there is sometimes only coins left, and sometimes not that. I'm tired of eating PB sandwiches for dinner. I miss eating fruit, delicious fruit. I miss a kitchen to cook in. I miss being able to rent a movie for a $1. I'm tired of not even being able to afford to go to the laundrymat. I used to have my own wash machine and dryer and I loved doing laundry and keeping the house nice. I hate living in a room. I miss cooking in a kitchen.
He crushed me so badly that I think no one will ever want me again. I'm a woman in my 30s who now lives in a room. Who would want that? Who could ever respect me?
Did your Ex-H know how he left you with nothing, financially-speaking? Did he show any guilt for what he was doing? My ex-partner is literally a different person than he was. He is spending like crazy on himself and OW. Why did WE always have to do without, and now he spends and spends. After he left, he came back when I wasn't around and even took back gifts I had received from him and family members over the years. Not that they were valuable - just CDs and books - but its like he was determined to leave me with NOTHING, which is what he did.
I'm so confused. Its cruel. Its vindictive and its so uncalled for because I've been nothing but nice. I can't understand why he feels such bitterness that he would take the few things I had left to my name...even my personal possessions?
So I guess I just want to know if your Ex-H knows how you've suffered because of him. I want to know if he knows WHAT HE HAS DONE? Does he understand? Is he remorseful for his actions or just sorry he lost you?
Does he know what he has been forgiven for? Does he understand the amazing grace you are showing by even taking his calls?
These are things I would consider before letting this man back into your life - even as a friend. Friends don't do what he did to you.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
I haven't read all of your thread but events have happened pretty quickly for you. It's understandable that you are still reeling from the shock of it all. I was blindsided when it happened to me and I didn't get my bearings for a long time. We were separated for 2 years before the D so it's happening even quicker for you.
I'm probably not the best person to be giving advice because my sitch was different than most but there are a few things that I'm pretty sure of. I think if there is much interaction by the WAS toward the LBS, there are still unresolved feelings. If someone truly is done with their spouse, it is not shown via hateful words but by indifference.
My H wavered between loving me and hating me during the two years we waited to get divorced. He was not done with our M and even said so in one conversation. I agreed with him on one point -- he said "I think we need to get divorced and get re-married again when the dust has settled". He was right about that because our original M was over. There was too much hurt and pain to resume the same M. It needed to be mourned and buried. If we were (are) to resume a R, it needs to be a fresh start.
If your D happens, it will hurt but it won't be the end of the world. If there are still unresolved feelings on her part, she will eventually come to terms with them and will contact you. It will be up to you if you want to start a new life with her. Stay strong and stay positive.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. The pain is still very fresh for you and it will take time to work through your feelings and heal.
You are seeing a mean and callous side to your X that you probably didn't know existed. The OW is fueling that venom, but he is ultimately responsible for his actions. Also, spendng lots of money is typical.
My H went on a spending frenzy when he first left. Most of it was spent on himself and the OW. He also built a house for the two of them (now long gone to foreclosure). The first few months were the worst as far as his hatefulness toward me. He blamed me for everything, but he needed that excuse to justify his bad behavior.
You said that you've been nothing but nice to your X. I don't think he deserves it right now. Some people disagree, but I think MLCers as a whole lose respect for us (hence the word "doormat") when we're too nice or accomodating. I don't think you are that at all, but I'm just saying that's often their perception. My H responded much more positively toward me when I stood up to him and/or he thought I was GAL without him.
Now that he's out of MLC, there are no more games between us. We are nice to each other. He has been extremely remorseful for all that he did. He is offering to help me financially, as best that he can.
You are young and that's a huge advantage. Things are rough now but they will get better. It's a whirlwind for you currently, but more clarity will come in time. You are in my thoughts and prayers that you have a wonderful life ahead of you.
If you've been married almost 20 years. You're entitled to half of everything, including his six figure income.
How long are you planning on living in a room and not eating lunch? Till he comes to his senses and returns? That could be years or never. Are you going to hold your breath for this?
I'm in my 50's. You're in your 30's. To me you're just a pup, with a long life ahead of you. How you gonna live it?
Sorry for the 2x4, but you gotta think about your future.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Sorry Pickle, I should have clarified. We WEREN'T legally married. We lived in a state that recognized commonlaw partnerships until just a few years ago when we moved again for his work. I said I felt "afraid" of this. He said, "We'll always be together, I'll always take care of you, you know I would never do THAT (abscond with everything)!!" Now I know that was a lie.
I've seen a lawyer, I'm entitled to nothing but 50% of the revenue from the sale of the house. And given the market, its not going to be good. He really can (and did) walk away with everything - it was all in his name. I've needed a 2x4 for the last 20 years that I allowed myself to be in this position.
Now back to Valeria...
Ouch, he built a house for the OW. But if he is genuinely remorseful....
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Sorry Pickle, I should have clarified. We WEREN'T legally married. We lived in a state that recognized commonlaw partnerships until just a few years ago when we moved again for his work. I said I felt "afraid" of this. He said, "We'll always be together, I'll always take care of you, you know I would never do THAT (abscond with everything)!!" Now I know that was a lie.
I've seen a lawyer, I'm entitled to nothing but 50% of the revenue from the sale of the house. And given the market, its not going to be good. He really can (and did) walk away with everything - it was all in his name. I've needed a 2x4 for the last 20 years that I allowed myself to be in this position.
Now back to Valeria...
Ouch, he built a house for the OW. But if he is genuinely remorseful....
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
I've seen a lawyer, I'm entitled to nothing but 50% of the revenue from the sale of the house. And given the market, its not going to be good. He really can (and did) walk away with everything - it was all in his name. I've needed a 2x4 for the last 20 years that I allowed myself to be in this position.
AA35 are you share about this? How long have you been in PA?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
