I probably answered some of your questions when I posted to Trusting.
I didn't ask him why the R with the OW ended. I always knew it was doomed because he was 26 years older than her and their R was violatile. Plus, he never quit calling me. She wasn't the real reason for his MLC anyway so I don't give her that much importance.
What happened that he wants to go back to the old? I think it was getting all the MLC crap out of his life. His health became an issue so he had to give up drinking and smoking. With no alcohol to fog his brain, I think clarity finally returned and then he got rid of OW. I always heard that it takes a crisis to end a crisis -- I think his health and fear of dying with lot of unfinished business was his crisis.
It took me a long time to accept that my life with H was over. We were married 20+ years. Time was my enemy but also my ally. As time went by, I finally accepted that H wasn't coming home and I began to concentrate on the terrible things he had done during the MLC. I didnt want THAT man back under any circumstances. I still don't (although I don't really see any signs of the MLC alien lurking within him anymore).
I'm not sure that I want to give up my new life. I don't want to marry H again. He tells me he love me but I can't say it back -- not yet anyway. That bothers him but there are consequences to bad behavior and I think he understands that now.
If we can begin a R that has boundaries, then we might be able to eventually take it a step further. He has to earn my trust. Honestly, I'm not sure it's possible to ever trust someone who has hurt you to the extent that H hurt me. I'm willing to give him a chance but I've got lots of walls between us.
I never stopped loving the "old H" and in the past 6 years I haven't met anyone who could come close to taking his place. I finally stopped trying. I want H to break down those walls and I hope that it can happen someday.
Do you detect confusion within me? On one hand, I want him in my life and on the other hand, I'm afraid to let him back in. If it doesn't happen, I'll be fine -- but I don't think that H will ever be completely out of my life.
Yep, H was mean when he drank. He also got into a lot of legal jams. It was his drinking -- more than the OW -- that was the real issue for me.
Until recently, our phone calls centered on the kids or business. He never asked about me or my welfare. But the past several phone calls have been ALL about me. That's what made me know that the "old H" was coming back.
Until they show a real interest in YOU, then they're not ready to come home IMO.
I don't remember your whole story, but I certainly remember your 'name'. I think hearing that there are MLCers that start to come out of the fog gives all of us reason to smile..and in some cases, hope.
Something worth having and cherishing, is something worth waiting for. There's no reason to rush into anything, and I know you realize that. I hope your H does too.
You sound so well, and I'm so hoping this all goes the way you wish it to..whichever way that may be when the time comes.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Hope for everyone? Hmmm I dont know. My ex has since gotten married to his 26 yr. old girlfriend and had a baby. I want a relationship with my son, that now lives with him and no longer speaks to me, but I dont know about ex. I will always love him, but i have gotten stronger over the last 3 yrs. I would be VERY shocked if he EVER wanted me back. He STILL doesnt speak to me, not even about our son.
Congrats to you though. You went thru alot and you deserve the best. Make him work for it!
Valeria, I changed my name and stopped posting for a long while as I suspected that my xh had found the site. My old name was quite like my real one. Probably paranoia, but he was batchit crazy for a long time
He is much less mean and crazy these days, and we have been exchanging emails for the past few months. He seems more like himself, and has built a life for himself which I am really pleased about. I think he is unwilling or unable to face some of his actions, as they were so painful and destructive.
I went through a period of wondering if I wanted to be friends with someone who had caused so much hurt [in our case there is nothing more], and decided that actually I did. Like you I have not met anyone who comes close to my h, and would not settle for second best.
I would say my xh is inching out of MLC. Much more interested in others thee days, and was concerned recently that I had cut my finger. Three years ago if I had fallen off a cliff face and broken every bone in my body he would have, maybe, expressed chilly sympathy. To a third party.
Would I want more than friendship if it were offered? Ummm I truly do not know. I do not know what depth of emotional engagement my xh is capable of, and I have come to see that, for me at any rate, being with someone is about emotional intimacy.
It is good to have the choice, and good to have closure, whatever your decide.
Are you enjoying this phase? does it make you feel good, rather than simply vindicated,in spite of the confusion?
It is good to know that some of them do come out of it.
You are right that some people never come out of the fog and realize what they have lost. I think most of them have moments of clarity - and possible regret - but not all.
That's why it is so important to focus on yourself and your happiness.
Sometimes the hurt outweighs the hope of reconciliation. That's actually what I'm struggling with right now.
Beatrice, lol, I'm still trying to figure out your old username!!
As for my XH, even during the worst of it, I never completely stopped loving him - I just didn't want to be around him. I don't think vindication is the right word to explain my feelings right now. I wish the MLC had never happened. I feel a deep sadness for all we lost. I also feel compassion for H because, in spite of all the meanness and hurt he caused me and our family, he hurt himself more. He is a broken man and is reaching out to me. I'm weighing the hurt he caused me against the compassion I feel for him. It's a tough decision
I think it's common for them to be in denial about the hurt and destruction they caused. My XH couldn't (wouldn't) face up to it until very recently. He used to blame me for everyting. Now he blames only himself and asked for forgiveness.
It's good that your H is inching out of MLC but it's a long and slow process. It's so important to think about yourself and enjoy your life as much as you can if you choose to wait it out.
My H wanted me to stay right where he left me - it gave him a sense of unlimited time to continue his bad behavior. He didn't want me to get a life without him. When he finally sensed that I wasn't waiting in the wings for him anymore, I think that helped rush the end of the MLC. I wish I had realized this sooner.
Valeria, I think when i said vindicated, I meant for believing it was a MLC, when some at the time we were posting, were trying to say it didn't exist, and they were simply WAS. [Remember IMP?]
I relate to all you have said - the compassion, their brokenness. I also think they feel pretty worthless. My private theory is that when they are in MLC they think somehow they we will always be there, and it is only as they come out of it that they realise we have moved on, or are doing so.
So moving on and GALing don't have much impact on them when they deep in the crisis. They do not really see anything else that is going on except through their own distorting glass . . .
Valeria, I remember you from the time I was on the board so frequently so long ago, I have read this thread of yours and it brought a smile to my face, good luck hun do what your gut instinct tells you and take it one day at a time xxxxxxxxxxx
