After he dropped the bomb two months ago, and has been distant but still here... I realized something was up when he started using "private browsing" feature on the computer. I happened to walk in and see him using for the first time last week. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about but he said no. He asked me to go see a movie and have dinner last Fri, and nearly acted as if he were getting a bit closer with me.
Then I walked in and saw "private browsing" and it started eating away at me. I realize this is not the right thing to do but I felt like I was on a precipice and something had to be revealed to me. I just knew he was lying to me about having affections for someone else.
I put in webwatcher and found an email account he set up mid august, (this year), and five emails he had sent to another woman. There was only one she sent in return to him. None of them contained anything sexual, or any "i love yous", but it was clear he was pursuing her.
When I saw this, I was shaking so hard, and I got sick and threw up. I did not want to confront him, but he came back from the store and found me in the bathroom getting sick.
I just lost it and blurted it out.... and he absolutely denied it all. Said I was crazy. So I logged into his secret account for him and showed this to him. Well, he got really angry with me and said he liked this woman and that they were friends and chatted on his lunch breaks at work.
But, this woman has moved out of the country now for a few months ... and he wanted to keep up with her. She no longer works with him as of now.
He admitted to talking with her on his lunch, they worked on the same team, and he had made a couple music CDs for her. They apparently talked about music a lot. Reminds me of what he did when we first met with me.
Anyway, I went through an entire range of emotions, crying, getting sick, freaking out, to telling him to just get out and leave me alone. I know my reaction was not DB-ing. I just was not thinking in the moment.
We had a very long talk though, once I was able to calm down and he told me that the chemistry between us was not there. He said he loves me, but not in love. Says he wants to pursue other women, other things in life. Says he does not want to be married anymore. I tried to talk to him a little about MLC, and this time he said he would look up on it. I don't know if he will.
I admit I could not control my crying, as I was in shock and did not expect that he was pursuing this girl. My heart is so broken right now and I feel like I'm falling apart.
I feel like he took me and threw me away for someone more shiny .. and wants to trash a 10 year marriage.
I was able to calm down again, and I don't know why he said this but... he said "maybe we should go to counseling". This did surprise me because before he was adamant about not going to counseling. He said that...he didn't want me to get my hopes up, but that he would agree to go see a counselor with me. He also plans to stay here in the house, while we go for counseling... I believe he said he wanted to spend the next couple months or so.
I don't know what to do. Am I delaying the inevitable? Should I go ahead and go for the counseling? I did ask him that if were going to stay here and do this, to please not email this girl. He said that he would not... but you know.... he may anyway.
I tried to ask him what is it about me that he's not attracted to anymore, what happened.... etc. He said it was him, not me. But is me, right? I'm feeling so low right now... like I'm not good enough...
trying to pull it together here, no sleep, daughter is waking up soon...
I am very sorry that you are here, but you will meet a lot of people who are on the same path as you are and can offer up suggestions, advice and support to you along the way.
I suggest that you stop asking him questions about why he feels the way he does and what is it about you that has changed his way of thinking. The journey that he is on is one that only he can travel. This is all about him. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
Ctflor, what you can do is take care of yourself and your child. Get plenty of rest, eat and exercise. Read as much as you can about mlc and do not discuss MLC or this board w/him. He doesn't see that it's him that is having difficulties.
I would go to counseling, but be prepared for him to turn things around and justify his feelings after a few sessions. He may determine after one session that he's not going to any more, but you continue to go if it makes you feel better.
This is a very, very long journey and the clock is extremely slow in his land...you, on the other hand, will find your way, but it's going to take you some time. Watch your bank accounts and credit cards. You may want to set up a separate account in your name, just in case he starts spiraling out of control.
Come here whenever you need to talk.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
C, We all have been where you are right now and we understand. It's going to take you a while to find your footing. You are grieving for your relationship/marriage and it all takes time. Be kind and gentle to yourself and understand that what is happening to your h didn't happen over night...it may have been gradually coming on for several years. Please do not beat yourself up over this....
Pamper yourself today...do something w/your little one. Time is on your side...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you decide to go the counseling route at this time, please make sure the MC is marriage friendly. There are stories on this board where the wrong counselor can do more harm than good.
Snodderly has given you wise advice. MLCer's are notorious for 'trying' counseling and then saying, well, I've done all I can and it's still not working.
As Snodderly told you, don't bring up MLC to him. MLCer's believe that they're OK and that nothing is wrong with them.
This site, and the DR book and any other book you decide to read are for you. The reasoning behind not letting him see them is so he doesn't think your changes are tactics to get him back. He won't think they're real at first anyway, and the only thing you can do is show him with consistency.
Stop snooping, it only hurts you. MLCer's lie and him knowing you are snooping will only drive him to hide things deeper.
Ct, I know you are taking this personally, but please try and put a stop to that. As hard as it is to believe this is not about you. Your H is unhappy and most likely depressed. He is running, even though he hasn't left yet (he may not) looking for something to fix himself. He hasn't figured out, and most likely won't for some time, that external fixes such as ow, drinking, or any number of other things won't lead to the happiness he's looking for. They may give that illusion for a while but eventually it will crash down around him.
He must face those issues on the inside that he has stuffed and never dealt with. You can't help him by telling him about it. He must come to terms with that on his own. It's what his journey is about.
You have your own journey to walk. As Snodderly said, come here to vent, talk, ask questions. We're here walking along with you.
Just trying to hold on, while i feel my world is crashing in. Cant breathe...feel trapped in a nightmare.
He said he would go to mc, open to the possibility that we could work through it and be together, however he also said not to get my hopes up because he wants to be free.
I guess i feel thankful for that much...but i still feel no hope.
Thank you guys for being here...i have no one to talk with about this today and really do need a counselor.
It is so hard not to snoop, before i snooped i went through it in my mind wether or not i would be ready for anything i would find. I just needed the truth.
H has been crying off and on today. We both have. I asked him if he was ok and all he said was that he was sorry about the pain he is causing me and that he is feeling sad. Even if this does not work out for us as a couple, going to counseling will hopefully help him with what he is going through.
One thing you will hear others say is that cheaters lie...
It is also said, If you do not know you are cheating, just ask your spouse...
The point is, he had a secret account that he was using to communicate with someone... regardless of whether that OP was responsive or not... he intentionally hid it from you, so he knows he was doing something "wrong"...
With that in mind, remember what was said above... if he is cheating, he will hide it, so snooping is only pointless as you will find what you are looking for (which won't be good), he will deny it even if you have proof, and he will go further underground with his "secret"...
Take care of yourself... get through these emotions and then start GALing as best you can and become a woman only a fool would leave...
listen to us as we tell you to read the Divorce Remedy (or divorce busting) books and get a grip on what this is all about. Here, we support marriages (not at all costs) but we also support those who are thrust into a divorce they could not stop.
You are a long long way from being in a "divorce is inevitable" group. There's plenty of hope left if you are wise and disciplined in the approach you take to this.
No matter what happens, trust this: Doing things the divorce busting way will improve YOU as a woman/partner...
that has value. If your h sees those changes in time and trusts them, great. But know that you will come out of this a better, more contented woman.
Originally Posted By: Ctflor
Thank you snodderly... I do have another thread i started, and i was so upset, forgot and started this one.
I want to hold on to hope about counseling, but being he told me not to...i worry i am delaying the inevitable.
Well, so what if you are? At least you'll know you didn't quit too early.
I am having the worst time at this moment... Cant stop crying, even when i tey shifting my thinking on to my studies.
Can you see a counselor or doctor? Can you get on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds so you can sleep well enough and not ask or snoop too much? Not saying you have to, but I've been there and done that.
When you have kids, they need you even if you are in great pain. I found myself consumed by anger and pain and I wasn't really present for the kids for awhile.
So I had to work on that and letting go. And detaching, becoming the best woman I could be "a woman only a fool would leave"....and once I began to believe I was a great catch
and would eventually be fine without h, and even that he was losing more than me, I think it radiated from within.
Anyhow, h changed his mind and did some working back to our family and marriage and then WE did the work and it's pretty good now.
But YOU can only change YOU....really you need to get this.
And read the Divorce Busting book(S) asap...hang in there.
Also here are some "rules for DBing" at the start. Sandi organized them but there were several who contributed I think, and they are basedon MWD's approach.
Here they are--learn them.
I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm not sure why h did this tonight, but he signed into the private account and told me he was writing ow to tell her he felt it was best he not communicate with her, and basically told her he was sorry to have dragged her into his problems. He invited me over to watch him send the email, and then he deleted the account. He said he wanted to explore counsling, and didnt feel he could focus on ow and me at the same time. Before he went to bed, i noticed he had been crying and i asked if he was ok. He said, you probably dont want to hear it, but i will miss talking to ow, and told me he liked her a lot, it was not love but he liked her.
I told him i was sorry he felt sad and appreciated what he had done. It is very hard for me to have compassion for him when he chose to lie and set up the account so he could persue her while she is away out of the country.
I wonder if he really saw her as an escape for his pain?
He keeps telling me he wants to be free to come and go as he wants, then turns around and says he wants to go into counseling with the possibility of staying together. Makes no sense. Kaffe, you are right...it is pointless to snoop. Not sure how much more i can handle finding out anyway.
