Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[Valeska19]

ps. She ended the conversation thanking me for "picking up". I said "of course". Still pleasant.

I'm not sure of the intent, but I did set the boundary that I can not do this on her timeline. I can not be forced to have meetings and talk about things I'm not ready to talk about it. She's respecting that.. so I guess that's a good thing. IDK.

[Valeska19]

Val, very, very nice post. What an excellent attitude. You're coming a long way!

Aww thanks (((JB))). Baby steps and time. It's hard to believe the progress that has been made since November. I'd rather not be hurting... but the fact that I'm growing from the pain almost makes it worth it. I'm sure as I keep my eye on the positives the word "almost" will continue to fade.

[Valeska19]

Fantastic post, Val.

Thanks E and thanks for stopping by my thread!

[In_Shock]

Your journey has been amazing so far Val. I think your progress is incredible. It's such a difficult thing to go through... I'm grateful that I found this forum. It's comforting to know that in so many ways our WAS almost follow a textbook as do our own emotions. I realize I'm not INSANE when I read others' stories.

I hope u are having a wonderful So Cal day. I used to live in Burbank a long time ago, practically in another life I also lived in San Francisco for a while. How I ended up in the midwest is a tale in itself (LOL).

Take heart Val. Take heart.

[Valeska19]

Another conversation w/ wife just happened.

W just ran into one of my favorite actors from Xena on the street and had a 10 minute conversation with her. W said she was so glad I picked up and that she just had to call me. We talked and laughed about it for a few minutes and I thanked her for thinking of me. She still managed to get off the phone first! D@mn.

It was sweet, but I'm not reading into it at all. She knows I love that show so I'm glad she thought of me. I'll chalk it up as a positive. If not for the r, just that the venom has stopped.

The only thing I will say is that most likely our pleasant conversation on Saturday sparked another one today. She could have very easily texted me that info. Texting/Emailing is usually what she does when she doesn't want to actually talk to me or is scared. Who knows.

Also got briefly hung up about the fact this actress was with one of w's "guy" friends.. however if this guy was more than a friend, it would be pretty ballsy for her to say that to me. She could have left that part out.

Just thinking out loud here to make sure I don't get on my hamster wheel.

Still doesn't make it easy. It's a battle between wanting to set the boundary (make a commitment to be in my life or stop hurting me) vs. trying to keep things smooth for if she reaches out. Good thing is that I don't have to make that decision today.

Back to my fantasy football draft.

[jbnati]

Val, I am glad you had some positive interactions with your W, and glad they were light and easy. Just be prepared for the pull back. Keep your positive attitude going and keep growing through this junk!

[Valeska19]

Thanks JB.. Meeee Too!
Oh I'm prepared. My w has a habit of contacting me right after friendly conversations especially when she can express herself about D (odd isn't it?). She'll talk my ear off and then go dark for weeks. Part of her "It's difficult to have you in my life so most days I make the decision to not" feeling.

This time however I won't buy the ticket to that rollercoaster. I won't make the same mistake. Last time I told her that her dipping in and out confuses me. This time.. I just won't let it confuse me. I'll give me the power to detach instead of expecting her to step up.

As for the positive attitude.. holding onto it with a death grip!

[Valeska19]

Not alot to report on the S/D journey. W hasn't gotten me the asset list yet. I did have a moment of "happiness" when she didn't meet her own deadline, but I remember how hard it was when I created the list. I'm sure the same rings true for her.

About to start a new show for 3 weeks. Time to put the new tools/new Val into something other than r with w. The show is very difficult/challenging. I do love me a good challenge.

It's been awhile since I 2nd AD'ed. Brief film lesson - 2nd AD's are the right hand person of the 1st AD's. They plan the logistics of NEXT day. They make sure everything is in order so the 1st can come in and execute his schedule. They also are responsible for everyone else under their department.

IMO it's the much harder of the jobs. It's actually the one I enjoy more.. but haven't done since March. I'm a little rusty, not with logistics... but not being the boss.

The 1st AD went ahead and hired a very green staff. It has me a little stressed, negative, and honestly.. haughty. All stuff I'm working on. I need to remember that there was a day when I wasn't quite "qualified" to do the job and someone reached out and taught me. Now it is my turn.

I'm sure the staff is excited, scared, nervous, and a bunch of other things. Their feelings are valid and effect how they perform. I need to remember that.

I prolly sound like an a-hole. It's not that I mean to negative or stressed. I feel like my heart is genuinely in the right place. It's more of teaching an old dog new tricks (even if the dog is young). Time, patience, and alot of hard work.

[Valeska19]

I don't really know if I am having a down day.. just have alot of thoughts going through my head this morning.

It's been 2 months since D bomb, and 5 months since separation. It's hard to believe that its been 4.5 months since my w decided to cut me out of her life. 4.5 months since we stopped talking and hanging out. I know I still miss her, but there are parts of me that isn't sure if we would get along or if I'd enjoy her company today.

We definitely seem to be growing in different directions. I wonder if she misses me and our connection or if she too, like me, wakes up with it hurting a little less and accepting (even starting to enjoy) my new path.

I think deep down I wished she would have come out of her "fog", but I honestly don't see that happening. She's on a long journey to find herself. I still continue to believe that I am a reminder of the old her and until she can come to terms with that (if she ever will) I won't get to part of the new life.

Although I'm really happy with my progress, I'm struggling to stay on my path. Not that I don't want to show my thread title, it's just hard staying true to it when it's not having the results I want. I know deep down that's not why I show her grace and compassion, but the human side of me is disappointed that it hasn't made her want to be in my life, or keeps her believing that I will always be around.

I spoke to a friend last night. I was thinking of trying something new. I FB alot of my life and since I neither seem to have the strength or peace to delete my w from FB, I thought about posting less. I wanted to create a little mystery.

It's not like I FB every move, but I do FB about work, what I'm grateful for, Football, new experiences. Basically anything positive. It's one of the last threads of communication my w and I have. She doesn't comment often, but she does look and they are our conversation starters in the rare chance we do speak. I know she follows me. I haven't looked at her page in 3 months.

I guess I feel like this just enables her to "be in my life" w/o investing in my life. Idk if that makes sense.

My best friend didn't like the idea of posting less. He said that I should delete her (as does all of my friends) because it's slowing down my process of healing. I can't say that's he wrong with that statement.

He also admitted he is starting to hate my w. That he is bitter and angry at all the pain I'm in. He asked me if he could start calling her my XW. I said that as of now she is my w, and I won't call her my xw for awhile, but he could call her what he felt comfortable.

I also told him that his feelings were valid. He's my best friend and he has seen me at my worst. He's been so patient and so kind. He has watched my pain and watched my growth since S. It would make sense that those feelings would come up.

HOWEVER his feelings are not mine. I told him I have no intention of getting bitter or angry. I wake up every day forgiving my w and that although his journey is his.. my journey seems to be one of.. you guessed it.. love, grace, compassion, and faith.

Anyway.. my journal is getting long. I have more to post on the last two paragraphs.

As for the FB, I just don't really know what to do. I probably won't do anything. It's just stupid to give something like a website SO MUCH POWER.

It seems that whatever 180 I try to "make it work" will somehow to be twisted into w thinking either I will always be around, or that I'm just acting out of anger. I don't want to think for her, but I do still know her. However I act or whatever I do will be a consequence of her "figuring out who she is" and no matter if it's good or bad, she will continue on that path.

Therefore my 180s are for me alone and who I want to be. Doing stuff that I can be proud of regardless on if it has any effect on my w.

Still doesn't make it easy. Still doesn't mean I don't want to try new 180's or try to figure out what works and what doesn't.

I feel like I've learned alot about myself in the past 5 months. I'm not sure how much I've changed the dynamic of my m in the past 5 months.

Sorry for the long post.

[Drew]

Unfriend her.