An Apology from my MLC ex-wife

[Creed]

My xh has been gone longer than your xw, my marriage was longer, and perhaps most importantly I am not in a relationship with anyone else. BUT having detached, I am really not at all sure I will ever want more than a reasonably cordial relationship.

I truly do not know whether it is fear or detachment, or the passage of time, or simply somewhere I do not want to go again. But if any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone.


Yup. I' m with you 100% on your feelings/thoughts Beatrice.

[ericmsant2]

MHL

My XW has given me an apology that is global at best and a little self-serving at worst.

I am not sure I see the self serving part of the letter MHL….because maybe I think she is truly sorry for what she has done. Consider this, as an LBS’er when the bomb drop we apologize and ask for forgiveness for all of our mistakes….what makes her letter any different. Maybe…she is remorseful but does not want to come back? Does that make her apology self serving?
My other comment are…Antonia said it best with this……

What else could you say? If there is ANY part of you at all, even ONE IOTA that thinks you have it in you to explore reconciliation at some point, I think you could write something that leaves it all open.

You can simply thank her, say that it must have been hard to say that, and say that if she wants to talk to you in more depth, you would be willing to listen.
This lets you open the door but you're doing so with no promises, no pushing, no in-depth queries that might be too much yet, and if she says she wants to, then you may end up speaking about things more. If she doesn't do anything, I think you haven't put yourself out on a limb where you can face rejection.

Simply saying you're willing to LISTEN to her more is not setting yourself up to be rejected and hurt again. All it's saying is that you have made this long journey of self-improvement and you are willing to allow someone else who hurt you the space to apologize, etc.

My second comment is….read what True and 25 wrote…again…and again….
FTR, part of me does not envy your position right now Bro.
My last comment….
What does it hurt you to accept her apology?
Why not?
She can only hurt you IF YOU allow it?
Reconciliation is not anything I would looking at right now…that said, the fact that you even thought of it says what to YOU?
Actually….now my last comments since I just read your last interaction…..

I am proud of you man!
I am proud to know you!

Much to think on.........

Why not think too much about it….and keep being YOU….
The rest leave up to God!
Love ya Man!
Eric

[peacetoday]

Thank you for posting

I got a lot out of your post and interaction with your wife
again another validation of the dark world of the MLCer

Peace

[MHL]

Thank you all,

I can not lie, I did not get much done today.

My XW occuppied my mind.....

My Daughter occuppied my mind....

My Son occuppied my mind......

My Girlfriend occuppied my mind....

I am going to stop short of saying that I got knocked off track a little yesterday.........

I think I got a little bit of what I wanted from my W in order to be her friend.......

I remember somewhere in the middle of my sitch.....my W wanted to be my friend but she was still spinning and unsure and it still caused me great pain.

I am okay with her again......it is a big relief, I feel like I can be me again when I am with her. It is okay for me to like the person I knew before, I think she is changed but I think that maybe some of her core values are back.........I will know for sure as I interact with her.

I still feel that I might be walking around though in a dimly lit room..........and somewhere in that room is that box with all that LOVE inside..........I am afraid I will bump the box or even trip over it.

I think this week I may need to focus a little more on the GAL activities.

Cheers

[tadpole1025]

Hey MHL.

You've been a tremendous help to me in my sitch. I'm so glad that you saw your W for a while and not the damn alien. Would you be upset if I said that I was just a little envious of you?

I'm glad for you buddy. Just be careful.

I haven't read your entire sitch yet, but I'm wondering if there is still an OM involved.

Thanks for everything man.

Tad

[MHL]

I haven't read your entire sitch yet, but I'm wondering if there is still an OM involved.

Thanks for everything man.

Tad

Tad,
You are welcome buddy, it took me a while to get where I am today.

Honestly there will come a day where other men won't matter anymore......you will leave your W to her own journey whether it is other men, drinking, spending money, eating or whatever.....they are all just things that she is trying to medicate her pain with.........

I know you are struggling and that is okay.....this is the hardest thing that you will ever do. I will tell you that when you let go.....really there will come such a peace.

I hope you find it sooner rather than later.

Cheers

[♪CS♪]

I am okay with her again......it is a big relief, I feel like I can be me again when I am with her. It is okay for me to like the person I knew before, I think she is changed but I think that maybe some of her core values are back.........I will know for sure as I interact with her.

This sounds like a very healthy first step here MHL.

I still feel that I might be walking around though in a dimly lit room..........and somewhere in that room is that box with all that LOVE inside..........I am afraid I will bump the box or even trip over it.

I think this week I may need to focus a little more on the GAL activities.

I get it. I have to admit though man. I fear you may be only putting off the inevitable.

If there are things in the box that you have still not fully processed. Things you are still scared to face.

IDK man. You might want to think about facing them head on. I think the risk is. They pop out when you're not looking. And then....

[AKHope]

MHL (I remember reading you as 'Missher..')

I'm new to posting here (had some security issues) but have accumulated a lot of your posts over the year or so I followed.

And THIS shows me how ingrained your manner is.

MHL: The answers will come in time and it will take some time.....do not rush it. In the beginning of all this people would tell me it would be better in time and that time was my friend, but you can not "know" that until the time has past and you can look back on it. The other thing is that you have to not look for it in any particular time........in fact the "looking for it" prevents it from happening........it will happen when you are not looking for it to happen.

You and your "Time"

I'm so "proud" to see you have the same natural DB attitude you have used for your own progress; that you try to teach those here; with your XW.

Brilliant
Exemplary

Thank you.

(LLF1)

Live
Laugh
Fortitude
1 Day at a Time

[MHL]

Thanks AK,

I appreciate the compliment......this place has taught me much about myself, other people in my live and the relationships I have with those people.

I think my XW is taking some positive steps in her journey, I think that since I have seen a little bit more of the "old her" again and I have genuinely moved forward with my own live, I can actually wish her well and try to show her support for her on this journey.

I think she knows what she needs to do or at least has an idea of what success might look like for her, it is allowing oneself the proper TIME for that to happen.

I would interested to read your story sometime.

Cheers

[MHL]

Well, I went over to my XW's last night to set up a TV that her mother gave her. The TV she has is starting to go so her mom gave her an old one.......27" behemoth.....it was more about me getting it out of her car and in the house than it was hooking it up. Som' b!tch was heavy!!!!!

She usually drives out to get my S11 on Tues and Thurs. I volunteered to bring him to her place and pick up dinner on the way.....she offered to pick up some beer. I guess the beer made it more social.

The 3 of us sat down in her small little kitchen and ate subway and her and I had some beers before I lugged the TV into her house.

It was nice, she was very nice and accomodating, she offered to get me things and make sure I was comfortable. My XW is a cat person and apparently there was a stray cat under her deck that had some kittens and she was showing me the 3 little kittens running around going in and out of the house. The kittens provided the icebreaker and laughter that was needed to put everyone at ease. The beer probably helped too.

I still found myself not totally looking her in the face and I was definitely more reserved in my demeanor but I was not uncomfortable and I was not thinking how messed up in the head she is/or used to be.

She was trying last night, I am pretty sure. There were butterfly touches she was doing, she was trying to be funny and keep it light.

Tables are totally turned from 2 years ago. I am the WAS.

I have changed.....I know it. I am a totally different person than I was 2 years ago.....I sense that she has come back from where ever it is that she went........thing is, I am not where she left me.

We finished eating and then I brought in the TV and set it up. My son plopped down on the couch and watched TV and my XW and I popped another couple of beers and sat in the kitchen and talked.

I showed her pictures of me and the kids from the cruise we took over spring break.......I knew she would enjoy seeing pictures of our D14. We talked about the cruise the kids and I took and she stated that she had not been on a "real" vacation since the last time we all went as a family on a cruise in spring of 2009, just weeks before she met OM. (he is not in the picture)

She then asked about my upcoming trip to Mexico with my girlfriend. We talked about it and I stated that I was looking forward to a week long break from no kids and no responsibility.

She stated that she wished she could take more than three days in a row from kids. When she said that, the thought crossed my mind that she had been on many, many kidless 3 day weekends with other men, friends and whatever over the last 2 years. The nice thing is that I did not feel pain, resentment, nor anything other than the fact that is how she felt. It was just information......"conversation fodder".

As I reflect back on it.......I can remember being in utter anguish and pain knowing she was off at the beach or a winery or the mountains or where ever with the other men. I remember thinking how unfair it was, how she was living the life with no responsibilities at all........now I am living the life for real.......I am doing well and taking vacations and my life has moved forward without her.

I wonder if she connects the two situations like I do???

She went on to ask a little bit about my girlfriend, what she did for a living and about her kids. Nothing deeper. It felt a little funny telling her about my girlfriend, but I have nothing to hide and I did not rub her face in it.

I did not ask if she was dating anyone........don't want to know. I do not think she is but I am not going to ask.

It got to be around 9 pm and my S11 needed to get to bed and I needed to get home to my D14 so I said I needed to go b/c of D14 and she said okay. I kissed my son goodnite and she walked me out. She thanked me for helping with the TV and I said "no problem, anytime." I told her good bye and turned and left. No hugs or anything like that just 2 friends saying goodbye.

I am left thinking this about my XW..........

I will continue to be friendly with her........it is who I AM.

It feels better, I don't feel like a doormat or like I am being taken advantage of because I do not view myself as a victim..........

Why am I not a victim????

My LIFE IS GOOD!!!! I made it that way, I am happy.

I am the MAN she fell in love with so many years ago, but now I am even better. The thing that is different is that I am that MAN she fell in love with.....for me.......not for her.

I sense that she may want there to be more than friendship between us, I am not sure I would want that or to even explore that right now.

I am going to continue to be friendly to her and probably even be her friend again.

I will say this.....it is nice to do what feels right for a change. I do not have to do what is counter intuitive anymore.

I am still trying to shut down the automatic protection mode of operation around her............I had a little success this morning when she dropped off our son's stuff from last night.

She came in the house and we talked a minute or two about some things and then I gave her a very warm smile as I was saying good bye........she stopped and smiled back warmly.

It was nice.

Sorry for the length.....guess it was more journaling than anything.

Cheers