I'm still here

[~¤DG¤~]

Today was a pretty good day.
I find that my thoughts and feelings regarding my H seem to come and go. Sometimes he is all I think about, and other times he doesn't even cross my mind.
Tonight S10 had his appt with his C. I would say that dealing with this S/D is probably the hardest thing he is going through right now. He said tonight on the way home that he just wants to feel happy again. I think he went into counseling thinking it was going to fix everything for him. I can understand that, he is young, plus he's heard me talk about how much it has helped me.
I told him that the only thing that will help all of this is time. C won't fix all of your problems foe you, but it will give you tools to help deal with things in a healthy way. I know what he is feeling is normal and he needs to go through it, I wish I could wave my magic wand and make everything better. I have a feeling that we all wish that sometimes.

I talked with S15 a little bit last night while S10 was at his karate lesson, and asked him how he was dealing with things. He and his brother are so different. S15 doesn't express himself the way S10 does. He says he is doing ok. He won't deny that he misses H, but it isn't affecting him like it is his brother. I can understand that. He's older and internalizes a lot. I often worry that he is trying to down play his feelings because he doesn't want me to feel bad.
I'm very blessed to have such awesome kids. We have become a lot closer in the past 6 months and one thing God has taught me is the importance of family.

2 of my best girlfriends and I are making plans to take a road trip sometime next summer, so I am going to try my hardest to start saving for it. I've never traveled much. The last time I flew I was in 2nd grade. That always floors people when I tell them that. We're thinking Chicago or someplace along the lines of that. It gives me something to look forward to.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---

I am up way earlier than I have to be, courtesy of yet another dream involving my H.
I wish they would just stop.

[any chance?]

Feel for you DG. Same here. Up at 4AM in a mental turmoil. Need to figure out how to concentrate on ourselves and not keep slipping back into thinking about WAS. Wish I knew how to do that.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling----

Took S10 to meet his teacher this morning and to drop off his school supplies. Hard to believe this will be his last year in elementary school. He seems to feel pretty good about starting school tomorrow. I hope all goes well for him.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---

I'm feeling down tonight. Texted with H a little bit, of course I initiated because he won't. I want to know what it is we should do about our M since every time I ask he ignores me.
He says he ignores me because it hurts to talk to me. That he can't do this anymore, and he can't give me what I want or need.

I don't understand how the last time I saw him was when he left my C office and said he would see me soon. Then...nothing. I don't understand what happened! No argument or disagreement or anything. He just...stopped talking to me.
I told him if it's over for him to tell me so I don't hold out hope anymore. He said quit holding out hope. So I ask him, so you want to D then? And he doesn't answer.

He still is very much acting like a victim. He said he gave me everything he had and it wasn't good enough for me and now that he's gone suddenly it's good enough? He said if he were still here I never would have went through this transformation for me. I validated his feelings and was honest. I probably wouldn't have tried as hard as I had if he were here.

I asked him to consider marriage counseling. I doubt he will.

I am so close to throwing in the towel. Why am I doing this to myself? I kept telling myself that he isn't worth my tears.....he isn't worth my tears...yet I'm crying them anyway.

Once again, I know he did the right thing by leaving the woman that I was, but he is making a big mistake if he stays away forever.
I know it would take a lot of work and a lot of faith, but we could get through this. We could. If he wanted to. I can't make him want to.

Why can't I let go????

[~¤DG¤~]

Anyone out there?

[jbnati]

DG, I don't think you're truly done yet. I don't think he is either. I don't know if it's that he doesn't want to work things out. It definitely doesn't seem like he's ready. TBH - I think he's got a lot of growing up to do, or at least that's my impression.

Once again, I know he did the right thing by leaving the woman that I was.

I am going to beg to differ from you on this one. He may be justified for not wanting to be there and/or be in that situation, but there is no justification in my book for just up and leaving like that. Give yourself a pat on the back. You took full advantage of the opportunity to grow into the woman you've become.

[♪CS♪]

DG

I know it's hard. But you need to stop pushing him on the D question. Most WAS's when pushed, will chose D over R. It's just easier for them.

I know it feels like limbo. But a D isn't going to change what you're feeling. As much as it might seem like it.

Peace.

[JustStunned]

DG, You can’t force him to make a decision he is not willing to make, just as you can’t make him want to reconcile.

You continue to hold out hope b/c it is what you want. It is perfectly normal, and you are not alone.

So when confronted with finalizing his decision he hesitates. It sounds like he is playing the victim. It is as if he wishes you to D him, so he can continue to be the victim.

If you’re not done then don’t.

Don’t file, don’t go back to him with expectations.

Walk away and build your life. He can’t keep being your victim if you’re off doing your own thing, living your own life. Sooner or later he’ll have to confront himself doing this to him to move forward. When he finally does maybe then he’ll want to reconcile, and if you do then great. You’ll both have a new relationship to work at. If not that is great too b/c you’re doing the work. You’re getting better.

We all backslide now and then. I had a few moments today.

You are too valuable to pine for the relationship that was. You’re not ready for the relationships yet to be. You’ll get there. Time and patience.

[~¤DG¤~]

I was watching CMT this morning and Sara Evans' "Stronger" came on. I have a love/hate relationship with that song. She is one of my favorite artists but that song makes me feel like weeping.

I'm doing ok this morning, better than I was last night. I'm just going to try to get through the day.
H sent me a text sometime last night that said "Damn you!" And that was it.
I don't know WTF that is supposed to mean but I didn't answer and I won't.
I'm going to give him what he wants and leave him alone.