Punches??What punches?

[Redo]

25. That support coming means a lot. Thanks!!
I have to say. Thanks to all you guys, I do feel a lot different and better.

Why does it matter why she returns IF she is willing to attend real MC and or Retrovaille? I'm just asking. I don't have a specific answer. Just want to toss that out.

For me it does not matter. All i want is us to co-operate so we have a stronger happier marriage. Problem is that even as recent as yesterday she kept bringing up how i made it toxic for her. I am getting tired to repeating it to her i do own them. But somehow she cannot seem to get over them. She told me that she is working on her self. I told her "P, take your time and work on yourself. When you are ready to make a decision either way, let me know". So yea, i'll wait(albeit not forever) so she can find her center.

Finally, IF you were to reconcile, how would YOU be different now?

If there's one thing i learnt through this process, it is how much i need to believe in myself, be a stronger and confident man. I feel good about myself, my abilities in handling R. That helps me to be a better husband to her. No more Mr emotional basket case. If i have a problem, i'll will discuss it with her in a mature manner. No more freaking out like a kid.

how would SHE be different?

Respect me for who i am and stop trying to change me into someone else. I am a reasonable person and can work with her if she has some issues with me. Own her mistakes if she makes them rather than trying to find a scapegoat: No more excuses!.

I have to say, nowadays i feel that i'll be better even if she decides otherwise. The only thing that gets me is my daughter who i believe does not deserve this. Both I and W are reasonable people. I dont see why we cannot make this R work.

[Redo]

But I hear you about your new life being a lot more peaceful than going backwards.

But you might well be able to have a NEW M with her. How?

I thought i answer this too.
For a long time i was in a R that i did not know how to manage. Unfortunately i either chose or did not have rolemodels to mimic. I also did not know what to expect from a woman(wife was the first girl i talked to for more than 1 hr).

Now i have been living for about 8 months by myself. I read here on these forms, talk to people, go out with friends. Now when i talk to wife, i don't know how to explain this, but i have this out of body experience on our convo and how bad it is. I can hee how wife is reacting to somethings, how she gets stuck in the past and her misery, how she feels the world is out to get her etc. I never saw these before. I guess it was because of my own immaturity. Now i see them and i am scared. scared as to "do i really wanna have these kids of convo with her?". One part of me says "Take the challenge". Other says "Run!!". I just need to figure out which voice i should listen to

[25yearsmlc]

or you could have new healthy conversations with her as

part of the new healthy marriage?

There are tools out there for you and her. If the time comes...and ps

I just want to see her face when she learns of the bike. Like if she sees a pic of you on it.

You have nothing to worry about there. It's your cheap FUN method of alternative transportation. Why on earth would she have any right to decide a thing on that?

You didn't ask to give d a ride did you? Okay then...sheesh, you were conditioned!

I think you shoudl Go take a spin on that thing...

Oh, and don't think your flashbacks equate to no growth or that you are bound to old behaviors. You are a free man with free will.

But nor do all of your perceptions of her old behaviors mean she hasn't changed at all.

She is not done. Not done growing, evolving, or being married to you.

Remember how you became a man only a fool would leave?

Well, Maybe she's not a fool.

just my .02 buddy.

[Redo]

Thanks 25. I am definitely leaning toward the 'Take the challenge' part right now. As i said both of us are reasonable people and maybe now it is my turn to help her out understand how to work with each other to have a healthy marriage (when we get there).

As of now i am giving her the time. She said she is finding herself. I'll let her figure herself out. I am getting some insight into her changes. As of now, not much hope. I guess it is because she just started her journey. I need to give her more time. heh, look at me judging her....I never thought i'd get to that place

[spellfire]

Not being affected by someone else's emotions is a healthy life skill, not just for your W, but for everyone in life (boss, kids, parents, in-laws, friends). Of course the more emotionally invested in someone you are, the more affected you tend to be by their negativity.

I still struggle with it today. If W is in a bad mood, it gets me frustrated and puts me in a bad mood. I am constantly working on being more emotionally independent of other people. Unfortunately most people are this way, and completely oblivious to the fact. Some people place 100% of the blame for their mood on to others or external events, which is never a good thing.

As for the bike, this is a good test of how "self-actualized" you are. When she finds out about the bike, your job is to not be affected my her reaction.

Remember, you do not need her approval!

[jbnati]

MK - It sounds like you are in a good place right now, whether or not you R. You are in a place where you will now R the right way, instead how you may have done it in the past. I see some promising possibilities in your situation, regardless of the final outcome. You have come a long way.

I think think ought to take the bike to her place and rev it up a few times on her doorstep.

[♪CS♪]

Can we give a tiny little round of applause for that? That's frickin' huge for her.

Agreed.

The tough part now Karma. Things like this can lead to you letting your guard down. Reverting back. This is what I see a bit.

Just a few posts back you sounded as strong as I've heard from you.

Keep this. It's needed more now than ever.

[JustStunned]

I go to a meeting and see what happens. We need an edit button and an alert

I posted this over on TM's thread, then on TG's, now here

I do not know where I read this recently or who posted it. I do remember thinking absolutely right, and not just here.
Very often people do not value what is given to them freely. They value what they have had to work for

Everyone on this board has value. Everyone on this board is worth working for. If she experiences her transplant if you decide to reconsider, if you decide to sell yourself back to her, then value yourself accordingly.

I used to tell a date, I can be had, but I ain’t cheap

[Redo]

Thanks CS, Jbnati, JS, SF : Yea i needed my compass re calibrated

Journaling....

The weekend was uneventful apart from helping a friend help fix his AC in his VW bug. That really was a great experience and ego booster. The dealer had charged him $2000 to fix it. Yup, it took a while in the hot sun, but it was worth the effort. I got a kick out of fixin his car and he now has AC!! I think i even bragged about this to daughter(not that she understood) during our talks.

On monday i turned 35. Woohoo!!. Wife told me earlier on sunday that she would not tell daughter about my Bday on Monday. Instead she would tell her when i go there to see daughter. That way daughter would not feel bad that she was not there for my Bday. I dunno, it made sense, it did not make sense. I just told her whatever is fine.

So on Monday i was at the DPS waiting for my motorcycle license when i got a call from wife. I did not pick it up then. Later after i got out, i returned the call and she picked up.

M : "Hey looks like you called me. I am returning your call"

W : "Oh i did not mean to call you. I was trying to call someone. Looks like i dialed your number"

M : "Oh ok"

W : "Oh hey happy birthday"

M : "thanks"

W : "So you are 35 now"

m : " Yea i am"

W : "You know about the talk we have been having. I have a suggestion. We know that we are poor in communicating with each other. So maybe we can try getting to know each other to see if it works out. I am still not sure. Maybe we can meet under a counsellor so that he can tell us if we are going off track. I don't want daughter to suffer. She is gonna suffer either way. What do you think. You can let me know if it is okay with you or not"

M : "You told me what you think. Let me think and get back to you.. Okay? bye."

W : "Bye"

The first thing that struck me was "why did she say she did not mean to call me, but then wished me when i called. It was almost like i was seeking her wishing. I just felt like crap. It was like she was so intent in showing me that she did not need me and was throwing some kind of morsels at me

The second thing was the whole counsellor thingy. Problem is that we tried this before. it did not work out. Right now she has turned the problem around and is trying to play with her rules. I told her to first figure out if she wants to get back. Then we can figure out. To her this is a problem of logistics (that we cannot communicate). For me it is a problem of "do we love each other enough that we are willing to do what it takes". Again it seems like we are oceans apart in our thinking.

My head is hurting thinking about all this.

I'd love to hear any of your opinions guys!

[♪CS♪]

Hey Karma,

My first thought.... She is trying. In her own way. But regardless man. She TRYING. HUGE!

You said you've done the MC thing before and it didn't help. But aren't you very different than when you did this before? Can it be different?

You say you're oceans apart. But this is one of the reasons good communication is necessary. To understand the other even when we may disagree. But to UNERSTAND.

BTW, I think she may have been fibbing about not meaning to call you. Just a hunch. Not that it really matters.