An Apology from my MLC ex-wife

[AntoniaB]

Truegritter, wow, that was really helpful for me for so many reasons. I know this isn't my thread but thanks for posting that.

[Grace_O]

MHL,

If you're willing, I would really like to hear how your D is doing after having read the letter her Mom sent her.

HUGS

[25yearsmlc]

MHL,

If you're willing, I would really like to hear how your D is doing after having read the letter her Mom sent her.

HUGS

ditto that

[MHL]

Thank You all for your responses and suggestions........

I would respond to each of your comments individually to address what I think and how I was going to proceed given what I think........

However

I had the opportunity to talk with my XW tonight while she was dropping my S11 off from his weekend with her........

I will update you on what happened in a minute......I do want to answer one question from Grace.....

MHL,

If you're willing, I would really like to hear how your D is doing after having read the letter her Mom sent her.

HUGS

This is most important because no matter what this leads to between me and my XW, the relationship or the lack there of, between my D14 and my XW will hopefully get better as a result.

I will give a little back story on the situation with my D14 and my XW. My daughter knows way too much about what my XW did with regards to her multiple affairs and her behavior throughout our separation.

Some of it I will take responsibility for but most of it came from her mother. My daughter's issue with her mother is more about the lies that her mother told directly to my D14 over and over again rather than the men she had been with.

In the words of my D14, she has given her mother repeated chances to be in her life and everytime her mother lies to her or treats her like she is 6 years old.

Typical for an MLCer as we all know, but extremely painful for my D14. My D14 made the decision to protect herself and "go dark", her therapist.....one of the best child therapists in the city supports this decision and agrees it is a healthy decision for my D14.

When I gave my D14 the envelope addressed to her and mailed via USPS from my XW she initially did not want to read nor had any real interest. My D14 asked "what it was?" and I told her that it was from her mother and that I got a letter too. She asked what was in the letter that her mom sent her and I stated that I did not know but that mine was an apology.

My D14 shrugged it off and went back to watching TV without openning the letter.......I went upstairs to change out of my work clothes. When I came back down my D14 had gone upstairs to change also. (We were going to her High School Football Game)

When I came back down I could see that the letter had been openned and my D14 just left it on the couch. I went over to read it as my D14 was upstairs and I found that it was exactly like mine.......word for word.....the only difference was how it started.....mine started with "MHL".......my daughter's started out "Daughter".

After that, no difference.

I figured that there was not much thought that went into either letter and figured that the apology was contrite and somewhat self-serving and so I decided not to ask my D14 what she thought because I figured that my XW was just taking the very first step in what would be a very long journey.

So, Grace.....in a very long winded way.........my daughter did not think much about it or at least she did not talk to me about it. I have learned in the last 2 years that I get more out of my daughter when she initiates the conversation rather than me.

I will tell her therapist about the letter and also what happened tonight so they can talk about it when they meet on Tuesday.

I think that my D14 has come to terms with the choice to not have her mother in her life......forever or at least until my D14 changes her mind.

My D14 and myself have both put in place protective measures..........good ones.

I don't encourage my D14 in either direction on her relationship with her mother.......I just make sure that I support her no matter what she decides to do or NOT do.........and my D14 knows that.

I know and have heard.....and so has my D14 how very important it is for a young lady like my Daughter to have her mother in her life.

I get it.....I DO understand it........

however

The condition that my XW was in was harmful to my D14.......therefore it was a "healthy" decision that my D14 made for herself.......knowing full well, the consequences of that decision.

I think that moving forward I will stress to my D14 that it is okay to change her mind later on........that just because she chooses to not have contact with her mother now does not mean that she can't decide later to initiate contact with her mother.......especially if her mother has changed.

The other thing that I am going to stress to my D14 is that just as her mother was capable of changing from the person she knew before the MLC hit.........it is possible for her mother to change again, and moreover she may change in a way that could even make her a better person than she was before the MLC.

sorry for the long post.........I will make another post about my interaction with my XW tonight.

[forward]

I think that to forgive, most people need an apology. I think that is why so many of us would love to get a letter like the one you got: it helps us move on.

I got a sort of bungled but still nasty apology (basically telling me that I should forgive him). Since it was bungled and halfway, I don't put much of anything into it.

My suggestion would be to let yourself be a little vulnerable to feel the hurt. This means your wound has a chance to heal some and you have a chance to forgive and grow. This is good for YOU.

As far as opening up to ever be anything besides polite to each other, you don't have to do that. You could acknowledge receipt and allow that it opens the door for friendship, but it doesn't have to be anything else.

Your post actually made me realize that I am still on this site because I want to learn to forgive.

[MHL]

Update......

I was outside when my XW pulled in the driveway with our S11 from his weekend with her.

I walked over and greeted my S11 with a warm hug and we all stood there for a minute chit chatting and my son was eager to get inside and hit the video games before bed, so off he went.

I purposely lingered as I figured this was a good time to acknowledge the letter my XW had sent.

MHL: I got your letter..........I appreciate it, I know that must have been hard for you.

XW: Yes it was hard, there is so much more I want to say but it is hard to put it down on paper because I just don't know why I did what I did. I knew it was bad and I honestly don't know why I did it.

MHL: Well if you would like to sit down and talk sometime I would not mind listening if it will help you.

XW: (She almost responded but got a little choked up and just nodded)

MHL: Well I appreciate the gesture.....it is nice to hear you say that, it lets me know that the person that I knew before is still there. I don't mean that for me but rather for you. I hope that you find your way as you start to deal with this stuff.

XW: I am working on it.........I just did not know or realize what the consequences would be.........I just was not in my right mind.......I don't know why.

MHL: The answers will come in time and it will take some time.....do not rush it. In the beginning of all this people would tell me it would be better in time and that time was my friend, but you can not "know" that until the time has past and you can look back on it. The other thing is that you have to not look for it in any particular time........in fact the "looking for it" prevents it from happening........it will happen when you are not looking for it to happen.

XW: Thank you

MHL: No problem, I am happy that you are taking steps to a better you.

XW: How is D14?

.......at this point we had about 10 minutes of idle chit chat about the kids.....I chose to fill her in on some of the details of our daughter's life and things she is doing. We talked about the upcoming school year and different things........

The whole time I tried to look at her in the face........it is hard, I have trained myself not to do it..........I trained myself well, it is an automatic behavior......it is no different than breathing for me. I don't look her in the face to protect me.

I can remember when I would look her in the eyes everytime we talked so I could catch a glimpse of the person I used to know......now I don't want to see that person.......seeing that person hurts me.

Tonight...........MY WIFE WAS BACK

the alien was no where to be found.

The conversation turned back to the letters........

XW: Did D14 read her letter? Did she say anything?

MHL: Yes, she did read it but she did not say anything, I try not to bring it up unless she does and then I let her lead the conversation........We have not talked about it in a while.

XW: (tears flowing now) I am so sorry, there is so much more I want to say.

MHL: (I am now looking her in the face) Like I said, I can sit down with you anytime if you would like to talk.

XW: Okay (tears flowing)

At that point it is hard to see my XW crying so I moved towards her to give her a hug.

She held me tight for a very long time........I could feel her body shudder as she sobbed in my arms. I just held her......I wanted to tell her that it would all be okay......but I held back.

I let down the walls quite a bit tonight.........I went looking for the box that I had hidden way down inside me..........I did a good job because I did not find it tonight......

I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.


I do know that I am capable of having a more meaningful and "unprotected" conversation with her without getting hurt.

Does not mean that next time I might not trip over that box and spill out my feelings for her.......for tonight it did not happen.

So the hug started to end, I did not let go until she started to, I wanted to be there for her as long as she needed me to be.....standing in my driveway for all the neighbors to see and I vaguely remember some of them being outside at the time.

As we pulled away I did feel the urge to lean in a kiss her on the forehead as I had done so many countless times before.........I am 6'3" and she is 5'5".......forehead kisses are "vertically convenient".......but I again resisted the urge and just pulled away.

XW: I do need to ask you something.

I was not ready for that and I know I had a look of surprise on my face as I was not sure what she was going to say next and also that it was being asked within the context of that very long hug..........

MHL: Can you help me set up this TV at my house/ (tv in her back seat)

Whew!!!! that was close.......I thought that she was going to ask me about my girlfriend or something like that, that I was not prepared for.

I told her that I could set it up on Thursday when she has our S11 b/c I have other things going on the other nights of the week, and she said okay.

I said that I needed to get inside to visit with S11 before bedtime and she said okay. This time she moved towards me for another long tight hug.

I let go first this time and caressed her hair before letting go.

She backed out of the drive way and pulled away much, much slower than she usually does and she was looking at me as I stood in the garage and waved goodbye.

It was clear to me that she did not want to leave.

I strangely felt like I was the WAS and I felt bad for her as she was leaving............that was a little over 2 hours ago.......I can't help but wonder if she is in pain right now, much like I was when the roles were reversed.

I know that sounds vindictive but the thought is actually empathetic........I know that pain........while I know that it will be difficult for her...........

I also know that through her suffering she will grow.........

and hopefully find happiness.

I have never hoped for her to find happiness before tonight.......I have actually thought of her being mesirable the rest of her life.........that is gone.

I think I may have forgiven her tonight.

Much to think on.........

Cheers

[aeolianchaos]

I think you handled that pretty well.

I can't help but wonder if she is in pain right now, much like I was when the roles were reversed. ....

I also know that through her suffering she will grow.........

I'm sure she has been suffering all along - just not recognizing it.

It sounds like a lot of this stuff is getting a central role in her consciousness now, and its really a big hit. It's probably similar to the kind of hit the LBS takes when they start to look themselves in the mirror and own their own 'stuff.' Only - I would imagine - perhaps more intense given the destruction the WAS causes.

It's great that you want her to find happiness - that is a good place to be for you and for your kids to see.

I was not ready for that and I know I had a look of surprise on my face as I was not sure what she was going to say next and also that it was being asked within the context of that very long hug..........

MHL: Can you help me set up this TV at my house/ (tv in her back seat)

[beatrice]

MHL I suspect that you are experiencing some very conflicting emotions right now.

I was thinking about your sitch as i was driving through the fantastic countryside near where I live, on a glorious late summer day, and realised how content with my life I am. My h apologised just over 18 months ago, but didn't follow through with action, at the time, but since our divorce we have been exchanging cordial emails. Now, the question hasn't arisen of this going further, and it perhaps never will, but I am very aware of how much I value my current happiness because it was so hard, initially, to achieve.

My xh has been gone longer than your xw, my marriage was longer, and perhaps most importantly I am not in a relationship with anyone else. BUT having detached, I am really not at all sure I will ever want more than a reasonably cordial relationship.

I truly do not know whether it is fear or detachment, or the passage of time, or simply somewhere I do not want to go again. But if any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone!

[Cadet]

MHL

I was just going to comment about your D14 who is the best DB'er around BTW.

I think IMHO she will be following the mantra of believe nothing of what they say and half of what they do.

Your wife gave her words, no actions.
D14 will more than likely only respond to actions not words. And even then it is going to be a very tough sell.

Hang in there my friend and stay on your path, the journey continues.

[♪CS♪]

MHL I suspect that you are experiencing some very conflicting emotions right now.

My thought as well.

I feel this may force you to do some digging that might not be a whole of fun. But it also may end up being a very valuable piece of the process. The journey certainly continues...

Be well man.