Can a marriage survive two affairs?

[Mustworknow]

MrBond,
I understand what you are saying. Yes he was alone.
he came home but still depressed. He is not sure what he wants to do still. He says he does not even know anymore what commitment is. He is really in a bad place. He has done this to himself. He is going to stay living at home for now and take it day by day. Should I just be DBing now or this there something else I should be doing? How does a person understand commitment when they lost the understanding of it?

[MrBond]

"He says he does not even know anymore what commitment is."

That's a cop out answer from your H. All part of the fog right now. Commitment is you stay with your spouse. Period. Through thick and thin.

He's got a choice. Stick with you or not. It's not that he's "confused" about what commitment is. It's that he doesn't know if he wants to be commited to YOU and not someone else.

Maybe these feelings for the OW threw him for a loop. But that's only natural when you're attracted to someone. The rush of new love is like a drug. He's like an addict coming down from a high and once you take it away, all he can see is negative.

You continue to DB because you need it for yourself. Continue to GAL and you'll shift back into being the woman he fell in love with.

[Mustworknow]

MrBond,
Thank you for the encouragement. Things seem to be going well right now.
The set back was due to the OW and how she had had a bad day and he was being a friend to her and letting her know things were going to be okay. It made him miss their friendship. It put him back to square one for a short time.
Now he seems back on track with trying at our relationship. I am trying to be patient with the whole yo-yoing he is going through.
When he told me about talking to her at work I just nodded, made sure that was all it was and let it go. He relaxed that night and we have been okay since. That was two nights ago. He is back to saying I love you and giving me passioniate kisses goodbye.
(on the weekend and when he left for that night he could not even kiss me at all, then it was just pecks. He is a guy that puts emotion in his kisses! That is another reason I was thrown for a loop on this whole affair since the kisses never changed during the whole thing. C says it is because he never stopped loving me.)
I hope this time the piecing continues and I can actully move my posting over the piecing to show I am making some progress!

[Mustworknow]

Well, last night was a pretty good night. H told me he does not want OW at all anymore. He says he is not sure about commitment to us since he doe snot want to feel that he is only dong it because he just does not want be alone and that I am all he has left. He did not say it to hurt me. He said it more like he was trying to not take advantage of the situation.
I just think he is confused myself. Can it be that he feels so guilty and ashamed of what he did that he is making excuses? that is in not ready to say he was wrong yet?
I feel the love and passion again so I am just not getting the words. I need the words.

[MrBond]

Not to rain on your parade, but no one snaps out of it that quickly. It takes awhile to fully "get over" someone, especially when he doesn't know why things happened the way they did.

[Mustworknow]

Their A has been over since May so he has been getting over it since then. He knows why they happened as far as how he sees it. Not sure what you mean. He says he fell in love with her, let his friendship with her go too far because he was not happy in our marriage and with how things were with us. I was not the same person for a long time. I was acting unhappy and complaining about work and everything since we had moved here. It was about a year in the making. I just did not realize how bad things had gotten.
I look back at some e-mail traffic between us and there was the warrnings but I just did not see them then. He did try to be supportive for a very long time and then he did try to tell me how he was feeling too. Again, I really did not listen. I know the A was not my fault but the problems in our marraige were. He should not have gone that far with it but that is why he did in his mind. So he knows.
Things are really coming around now. He brought home some wine from our town where we stationed in Italy when we were very happy. He was very excited about it. The words will come. I can wait since I know they will come.

[Mustworknow]

Well, I got the words. He is commited. He knows what a mistake he made and that he should have never given up on us. He does knows now that he should have never lost sight of what a good team we are and he is so very greatful to me for never giving up on him. The only thing that bugs me is that he did say that when he thinks about leaving here he is a little sad. the sadness is in relation to the OW. That bothers me. Why is he still sad? Is it normal? Am I just expecting too much? Is it normal and is he just telling me too much? I know his feeling for her are just about gone and his feeling for me are back and much stonger then his for her but do I just ignore the little sadness or is it a concern?

[MrBond]

"Why is he still sad? Is it normal? Am I just expecting too much? Is it normal and is he just telling me too much?"

Uh that's why you need to go to C for this. Instead of guessing these things, you need to discuss this with him. If he refuses to, then he's not committed. Just because he's there doesn't mean he's "there".

All of these thoughts are red flags and if they go unanswered, this same situation will happen again.

[Mustworknow]

I know he is sad because he will be leaving the OW soon. Even though there is no contact he does see her everyday at work. We leave here in Oct so that means for the rest of his life he will no longer have any contact at all. I really do not want to talk to him about it. It just want to know that if he says he is just a little sad, that it is part of the withdrawal process and that he is just being honest and it is just a normal thing. Is it good that he is honest with me about it at all?
My C says a lot of men do not go to couceling and marrages survive. That men are commited. That it is harder for them to adjust and harder overall but they can work. Since I am going for me and my C is helping me that is at least a good step. I read online things to help my H all the time and send him info all the time. He reads some of it and actually does some of it. I am treating it like he is doing his own self counceling through online help.

[MrBond]

"My C says a lot of men do not go to couceling and marrages survive. That men are commited."

Yeah right. Didn't this happen before?

He's being honest with you, not for you but to lessen his own guilty feelings. That's what you don't get. He will only be back when he shows true remorse and not regret. Regret is when he still plays the role of the tortured victim. Remorse is when he really understands all of the hurts that he put YOU through and is willing to do whatever it takes to lessen YOUR fears.

Its good that you are getting help, but let's face it...you weren't the one who had the A. It's just putting a band-aid on things. HE has to come to a self-awareness as to why he did the things he did or else they will happen again.