My husband has requested a transfer. That is why we leave in Nov. He will not go to C. He says he did it because he no longer cared about us and only cared about her. He fell in love with her because he was not happy with me and our fighting. Then why on earth are you talking about rebuilding the marriage?
I mean, what does HE mean when he claims to want to work on it?
I'd get some very specific terms from him. And btw you must do something to resolve conflicts better, or what?
You'll have to be a silent doormat for fear of upsetting him with your needs and thereby SHOVING him into the arms of OW??
He needs to grow up and you both have to better resolve conflict,
not prolong them with attacks and retreats...
This is nuts.
Doesn't mean you don't have to work on YOUR end of things. (Complaining is just NOT effective to create change or a healthy dynamic)
Bottom line is that
he has to know you won't hold this over his head forever, if he does his work and he must know that marriage to you now & from this day forward;
would be better/different than before. But so do you!
Sounds like you are saying there is no hope based on how he is...
Just pointing out the inconsistency between what he says he wants, and
what he's willing or not willing to do to make that happen.
As a former JAGC officer, I must ask if he knows what damage will be done to his career if they find this stuff out?
Not that you should say anything to his chain of command as hurting his career also hurts your kids funding...
but wondering where his head is...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The transfer is just putting a band-aid over a festering wound. You have to find out what caused it in the first place to get the right treatment so that not only is it healed, but it is made stronger.
"because he was not happy with me and our fighting."
See how he shifts blame to you? He has to see his role in all this too in order for things to work or else you'll be right here again with another woman to deal with.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you for your advise both 25yearsmlc amd MrBond. 25yearmlc-how do I go about getting him to give me very specific terms when he does not even know himself. Its like he is in limbo until we leave here because of his feelings for OW. I am not a doormat. I was when I did not know what was going on. I was confused and acted insecure. Since finding out I have been working on me and getting myself back on track. I feel stronger and more self confident with me but less with him. Its like finally knowing and not being confused by his alien behavior has lifted one burdon but dumped a great deal of pain on me instead. Since he will not go to C, I have to figure out a way to get through to him on my own. I have to get him to realize his role in this and his responsiblity without the blaming. I just need the tools.
My husband has requested a transfer. That is why we leave in Nov. He will not go to C. He says he did it because he no longer cared about us and only cared about her. He fell in love with her because he was not happy with me and our fighting. Sounds like you are saying there is no hope based on how he is...
Where did I say there was no hope? I said don't expect his feelings for OW to diminish while he's still in contact with her.
Is MCing a dealbreaker for you? I do think that without no-contact (even if you have to wait until November to get that) and marriage counseling, your road will be very, very difficult. Even WITH those things, the recidivism rate for infidelity is fairly high (33-50%?). WITHOUT them, I'd estimate that it's up over 90%.
I am going to C alone. I am hoping it will work that way. My H says the feeling for her have been lessening but have not gone away yet. My H does not have actual contact with OW. He just has to see her at work since they are in the same office. They do not speak unless it is professionaly related. She even calls him "Sir" now instead of by his name incase her husband pops in and catches her talking to him.
I am going to C alone. I am hoping it will work that way. My H says the feeling for her have been lessening but have not gone away yet. My H does not have actual contact with OW. He just has to see her at work since they are in the same office. They do not speak unless it is professionaly related. She even calls him "Sir" now instead of by his name incase her husband pops in and catches her talking to him.
I hope to God she's a civilian b/c if she's active duty and calling him "Sir" it means
he out ranks her and is in a world of trouble if anyone finds out.
ANYHOW... Of course you going to C is better than nothing. Here in DB land WE LBSers do most of the work to
get things into the "Piecing" stage...where both parties have to pull their weight.
Let us know how that goes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She is a civilian. I know htat my H would be in a world of hurt if anyone was to find out. In fact I know I could bring it on him if I wanted to but I want my marriage back instead. I have been doing some thinking and both affairs happened pretty close to his returns from Iraq and then this time Afangistan. Can that have anything to do with his weird change in attitude towards me and our marriage? This time was far worse as far as how close he has gotten to the OW but this time she is in his office and he has constant contact. Last time it was long distance.
Well, why does it seem like some days things are going in the right direction and H wants to make things work then there is a back slide for no apparent reason? Is is just because OW is still in the same office and he can't get over her or is it something else. Can it be that he is starting to feel the fuilt of what he has done and will not admit it. He seems to be depressed but do I hope it is for guilt and remorse or just missing her?
It's anyone's guess, MWN, but at this stage I would say it's probably "BAD = GOOD" and "GOOD = BAD" when it comes to his moods (if he's in a bad mood, he probably HASN'T had contact with her, and therefore hasn't had his "fix," and so he's in withdrawal).
It's all of that and more. That's why C is so important. You can't put a band-aid over something that's still festering. You treat the source not just the symptom.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
