Just discovered affair please help

[Starsky309]

IP,

I think his letter is fine. Make sure that he signs it and YOU mail it, so that he doesn't add (or subtract) anything.

Have you discussed transparency? No-contact is only as good as the transparency plan that accompanies it, and transparency is only as good as its WEAKEST link. I would strongly recommend that if you DO enter into a no-contact/transparency agreement with your husband, that you monitor it, including at least one means of intel that he is NOT aware of (for obvious reasons).

"Trust . . . but verify."


Starsky

[inpain]

Thanks Starsky!

I have to admit I am struggling with the whole tranparency plan thing - every time I think I have everything covered I get a panic feeling of another way out for him!

So far this is what I want to put in place

1. H has already said he'll close his private email and just use our joint one (his suggestion - great! BUT how would I know he hasn't just opened up another?)

2. H has said he'll change his mobile number (again - great! BUT how do I know he isn't lying about not knowing her number any more to send her his new number?)

3. He is already ringing as soon as he know's he will be delayed even by a few minutes.

4. I will be sending the no contact letter but how do I know he hasn't already primed her to receive it and told her it doesn't mean anything??

5. I can check his phone until I'm blue in the face but he has already been letting me do this for the last couple of years on and off when I've felt worried he's still in contact with her - I never found anything and he swore he wasn't contacting her - yet he was!!! (he can delete anything he likes before I check it can't he!)

This also brings me to another thought I'm wrestling with - if we are to believe nothing they say because cheats lie - period - do I not believe anything, ever (this doesn't seem practical or very solution focused) or do I just not believe him now until he's shown me the truth with his actions??

[Starsky309]

IP,

Most of your concerns can be answered with the "at least one form of intel that he is not aware of" caveat. A hidden keylogger on his computer would turn up a secret e-mail account (and password); a voice-activated recorder under the front seat of his car might reveal a "heads-up" phone call from him to her, etc. Please don't do this without consulting with an attorney first, or knowing what the laws are in your jurisdiction (you can only put a keylogger on a computer that YOU either own, or jointly own, in most states, for example. Ditto for a car).

Of course, if you can afford it, a private investigator is always the best way to go, but they can get expensive.

This does NOT need to be done forever -- just a period of time (two years perhaps?) for him to go thru withdrawal from OW, and to demonstrate his trustworthiness to you.

I know, it sukks.


Starsky

[verycrazy]

Does your cell phone service have where you can register your account online? You can do that, and all the numbers called by yours and his line will show up, unless they are shown as unavailable or something. I have that on ours, H does not know it, and I don't check it very much at all, but so far so good. As for the email, ask for the password, anyway, just to be sure he has closed it.
You sound much tougher this time around, but still sweet.
vc

[inpain]

ugh this [censored] - I thought there would be some magic thing I hadn't thought of to "know" he wasn't secretly contacting - can't believe I would have to resort to these measures.

Hmmm, VC I'm not sure on the mobile account online, I'll have a look into that.

He bought me flowers yesterday. So in the space four days he bought a bead for my pandora bracelet AND flowers! He is being extra good with the kids and being v nice too but he isn't doing anything in particular about the problem!!

I'm not sure I can do this - I have read all the stuff about putting a big stop sign in your mind when you think of the OW etc but everything he does I am thinking "yeah great but you've slept with and been in love with another W!!!" I know it is early days but how does this go away and how do you want them to be any where near you ever again?

[inpain]

btw my censored bit was just the word sukks - didn't know you couldn't spell that correctly

[Starsky309]

I'm not sure I can do this - I have read all the stuff about putting a big stop sign in your mind when you think of the OW etc but everything he does I am thinking "yeah great but you've slept with and been in love with another W!!!" I know it is early days but how does this go away and how do you want them to be any where near you ever again?

I think it all depends on whether they're being HONEST with you, and there really is no contact, but they're just struggling with withdrawal from OP; or,

They're LYING to you, and still in contact.

The types of things I would advise someone to do is DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT in each case, which is why I'm such a strong proponent of "trust, but verify." Once you know for sure, you don't have to keep verifying, but at this stage, how can you even decide how to proceed without knowing if he's just b.s.'ing you with flowers and jewelry, or if these are sincere attempts to speak your LL and help you heal from his infidelity?

Starsky

[inpain]

Hmmm, thanks Starsky.

I have been checking his email that I found the initial emails on as I am now the only one who knows the password and so far there hasn't been anything from OW which I know is a good sign but I'm still banging my head on a wall because I don't know for sure if they've had a PA or not and can't seem to get past it, I just don't know what to do.

As for the flowers and jewelery, this is typically his LL - yes I like to have nice surprises, who doesn't but I would say my LL is more affection based which he can't really do as I don't want him within ten feet of me right now I feel like he thinks if he keeps buying things and being nice it will all go away when it won't. "I have an undying love for you" and "I've wanted you like a drug" keep coming into my mind from his letter

[plsfindmylove]

so you seem hung up on the PA thing... will it make a difference in the long run if he is willing to be transparent if he did or did not have one? are you expected yourself to react one way or the other?

I had affairs in my marriage, and my wife wanted ALL the details. even though she wanted all the details now when we are doing something now and again it reminds her of what i have told her. while i think its healthy, its a fine line. if you truly need to know so you can move on then state it as such, but dont push him to be defensive. if he is truly trying to work on things with you, he might think it best you not be hurt more by knowing everything.

[plsfindmylove]

being a H who cheated, and basically used the internet to do so... i dont know how you might be able to stop him if he really wants to do it. and it would be an extreme amount of work on your part to check all the different ways he could be using to comminicate. i liked some of the above posts about what you can do, and ive been struggling with trying to convince my wife i dont want to have an affair again, but she doubts she would ever be able to find out, and how much work it would be to try and monitor all that i do. here are ways i used to use, if anyone has others add them, ill do my best to add suggestions on how i think i would be sneaky even if she was watching and looking....

1. IE,firefox, Chrome, Safari - basically all the ways he can get on the internet. you have to have history enabled and he can never delete it.
**how it can be beat is by deleting specific history, not all of it
@@@ best way i have thought to make sure i would never feel safe trying to cheat on my wife via the computer... set up a PROXY server that only you can log into. this is the purpose of it...""To log / audit usage, i.e. to provide company employee Internet usage reporting. "" you can probably find a local tech who could set this up for you on craigs list or some kind of site. again, you would have to be the only one that could access logs as he would not be able to fake this.
*** ways to get around proxy servers are to connect to other sites and use them to get deeper into the web sites you want. a lot more work, and if you are able to keep good tabs on sites pulled up from the proxy server you should question these sites.

2. email/instant messenger - this one is harder, as you can make accounts almost anywhere, and most dont require a specific app to run, they can run right out of web pages.
** this still can be found out via a proxy, but its going to look like a pretty normal site such as yahoo or meebo. a key logger as suggested above would be very helpful as it would pull out account names and passwords, but legally look into it just in case. browser history also somewhat helpful, but the more he knows your looking the cleaner he is going to make his computer look.

3. work computers... not much you can do on these... big area where my wife is feeling like i can just affairs all over again. the only thing i have is a web app like logmein or something along those lines where i can remote into my computer at work and let her look thru browser logs like about.

4. smartphone... hard again, you can check phone records, most should show numbers texted and called, some providers will also let you set it up to read text messages for a fee. (something he would have to agree to)
*** can still install apps on the phone that 'hide' text messaging as just data and not phone numbers, plus you can install apps on the phone for yahoo or other IM services.

5. public computers... no way to track this.


other over all suggestions, there is an app out there you can put on his phone that will tell you his exact where abouts via GPS. set up an account on the computer where he has no admin rights to delete or modify any thing he uses the computer for.

if i think of anything else ill let you know. i got caught once and tightened it up, started just really using work computer to find people to talk to and have affairs with. hopefully by having him agree to a lot of this, the effort to cheat will not be worth it.

just my 2 cents on how to try and get full transparentcy. the PI might be the only way to be 100% sure. and ive never used one, but you could maybe pull the cost down by know the times he was not with you. however a lot of the time i would have affairs and one of the things that still floored my wife, is when did i even have time... i would sneak out after she was asleep to get 'food' or something and she would not know how long i was gone. i would meet the OW at lunch at work, or take whole vacation days off and tell my wife i was at work all day. and then if she ever went out with kids i would go out as well... sorry not trying to sound grim but it does all depend on how determined someone is to want to cheat.