Just discovered affair please help

[verycrazy]

Hey IP, I am so sorry to see you are going through this crap again. I can see you are a whole lot stronger this time around. Sorry I have not been here to check in for a few weeks.
You said about the letter he wrote, that he admitted that some of what was in it was true, but the main bad thing, PA, was not. He's being annoyingly nice because he knows he been busted, and you are not going to believe him this time. He thinks if he pampers you and brings you tea and stuff, you will begin to imagine such a nice guy has to be telling the truth, which is kinda what he did before. If you can be kind, but detached, and let him see you will take no nonsense from him this time, maybe he will begin to see that he has really screwed up big time. You didn't do a darn thing, except to trust him the way a wife should, it's all on him. I know how hard you have worked on your M.
vc

[inpain]

Hi JenJam

You're right, him setting up some MC would be a good sign I suppose. I seem to be the one trawling the net looking for C and ideas of how to get past this not him! He is all talk apart from saying he'll change his mobile no and close his email a/c.

[inpain]

WOW 25yrs! thank you so much for your amazing post!! You're right, at the moment I am letting my anger control things - it is hard not to, although I have been better with it the last few days and at least am managing to be civil.

you ask what kind of father he is - that's a difficult one. In some ways he is great and others really not so. He is completely over the top with discipline in that he tells our children off for every teeny tiny little thing that I and most other people would let slide - it causes a great deal of tension in the house. The rest of the time he is very loving and the kids adore him.

Your friend you speak of who is bitter and hasn't let it go is exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm very afraid that if we stay together I will be that bitter person.

As for do I really NEED the truth - I feel I do, I feel I'm owed that much and not only that I can't seem to move forward without it - how can you rebuild a M on lies?? which is what we would be doing if I don't feel I know the truth. I keep hearing the words forgiveness and I know you're all correct in saying so - I'm struggling to get there though.

[inpain]

Pickle. Sorry to hear you're struggling with these terrible issues too. You're right, we don't have enough power to do so at the moment - I certainly don't. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of hatred right now

[inpain]

[/quote]

I'll give you a hint: it goes something like "I don't want to break up my family, either, but nor am I going to subject us any longer to my husband's bad behavior. If I'm going to let him back this time, it will only be with some healthy boundaries in place."


Starsky [/quote]

This speaks volumes to me!! thank you so much! what would be classed as healthy boundaries though?? does this mean things like him being transparent at first, only going out together, things like that????

[inpain]

I can see you are a whole lot stronger this time around.

You're right there, I do feel a lot stronger than last time - I think because my rose tinted specs were removed last time so it isn't so much of a bolt from the blue!

He's being annoyingly nice because he knows he been busted, and you are not going to believe him this time. He thinks if he pampers you and brings you tea and stuff, you will begin to imagine such a nice guy has to be telling the truth, which is kinda what he did before.

I hadn't thought of that!!! just thought he was trying to mend things!

If you can be kind, but detached, and let him see you will take no nonsense from him this time, maybe he will begin to see that he has really screwed up big time.

He certainly knows he has screwed up big time this time around, he has said himself he feels far more guilt than he did when he left and I can tell by his pained expressions that he is realising this might be it for good!

You didn't do a darn thing, except to trust him the way a wife should, it's all on him. I know how hard you have worked on your M.
vc

Pity he doesn't think it's all on him to fix it

[25yearsmlc]

that issue about him fixing it


will have to be made clear very soon if you are to use the leverage you presently have, wisely.


But remember, if you make his work back in, a "Climb Mt Everest" type of thing, he'll feel it's hopeless.

Then "what's the point?" will settle in, he'll start to bolt and you will rush in & let all the boundaries go and the m will end or be lousy.

But letting him in without boundaries at the get go will also damage or end the m.

It's a fine line.

Walk it carefully.

[inpain]

that issue about him fixing it


will have to be made clear very soon if you are to use the leverage you presently have, wisely.

I have said to him that I feel it is down to him to fix things/find a solution/proove he's telling the truth on several occasions already. Is that the right thing to say? not clear enough or too harsh do you think???


But remember, if you make his work back in, a "Climb Mt Everest" type of thing, he'll feel it's hopeless.

Yes, I can see what you're saying here - it is difficult to know how tough to be though and to be honest his way back in is like climbing Mt Everest the way I feel right now!! Although I understand you mean to not let him know that right?

Then "what's the point?" will settle in, he'll start to bolt and you will rush in & let all the boundaries go and the m will end or be lousy.

But letting him in without boundaries at the get go will also damage or end the m.

I have no idea what the boundaries are or should be - I really don't want to let him walk all over me again like he did when he came back after being a WAS - that has made me feel pretty powerless and to be honest worthless so I definitely don't want that but I am confused about all this boundaries stuff.

It's a fine line.

Walk it carefully.

[25yearsmlc]

how can he "prove" he's telling the truth?

And what does your DB coach say about setting boundaries with him and

how he can earn his way back into your heart?


(I may be confusing you with someone else, but did you have an appt with a DB coach? They're great!)

[inpain]

No, I haven't got a DB coach - sadly I am unable to afford one.

"how can he "prove" he's telling the truth?"

Hmmm, he keeps saying this too. I don't know, but if he's such good friends with OW (which is all he says he is) then surely a good friend would want to help with this??? But why would I believe that his love letter written by himself is made up and there was never an affair.

"how can he earn his way back into your heart?"

good question!! and one I don't know the answer to. How do you get from being so hurt by someone and feeling numb towards them to feeling in love with them!?!? It all seems so impossible, he's not the only one to think there's no point!