A New Chapter Begins

[ericmsant2]

MHL....

First....Love ya MAN!

I do have a few thoughts and I will try to make it short.

A couple of things to consider about my response 1) I am in the position of trying to reconcile with my son so maybe my responses are impacted by this and 2) I still have moments of anger toward STBXW(okay so I hope she gets hit by a bus…just kidding), that said.....

I want to get out of the way as much as I can……..

Sometime I wonder if this is just us being tired of their bull. Tired or not, I do agree that you must get out of the way but as parents I think the manner in which we must do this is a very slippery and gentle slope.

In short I don’t want to give her anymore ammunition to load her “blame me” gun. I know I will get blamed no matter what, however I really desire my words, deeds and actions to be pure.

Personally, anything you do will place you in the blame me gun but you know this, so WHY do you always feel the need to be so polite and cordial. I get that you want to be civil and want to be a gentlemen but really man sometime ya just have to call it the way you see it. Your actions will be pure…just being real and honest.

I do hope that one day the “fog” will lift from her eyes, not so that we can reconcile but rather be able to really move on or move forward as partners in raising our children.

Remember this quote ^^^^….it is the basis of my ultimate response.

I feel that even though we are now divorced, I can not be her friend or be friendly with her while she is in MLC.

Friend…probably not and maybe never…Personally, I think you can be friendly with some firm boundaries.

My hopes are that the less I am around her the less I interact with her the more likely she will start to look at herself and see that she is the source of her own pain.

Hmmmm….think about this for one sec. Yeah, yeah, DB has taught us to detach well….Here is my concern with this statement….1) nothing you do, not do, planned to do, almost did, nothing is really going to “help”, “push”, “force” or any other word you want to use; look at herself any faster if at all. Personally, I think we ALL need to realize that we just need to live our lives. Let them completely GO. I mean, not even think about if or when or how or what could help….them look at themselves.

So I would be around her as often as I felt like it. Period. No “not being around her in any attempt or hope that she looks at herself”. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you are trying to say here – I think I did BUT if I didn’t well…


In terms of the whole sitch...let me ask you a question….

Do you want YOUR D to have a R with your XW?

Are the actions that you are doing HELPING or Hurting? By actions I mean PUTTING your GF in the position to EVEN have to respond to your D.

Personally, it would not have been an option for my GF nor for my D. It would have been….”Your mother (lying slut whore that she is – sorry just kidding…I figured I would inject a little humor here) and I will be attending.

To D I would have said...I understand how you feel about your mother but she is still your mother and she should be a part of this very special day.

MHL, bottom line…IMO, your XW should go! I understand how your D may feel BUT YOU can show her a better way, you can show her TRUE forgiveness, YOU can show her that although parents/people make mistakes…they should not have to pay for them for the rest of their life – that includes YOUR XW.

As for the GF….I’m sure you will understand…Heck….after all….she does get to be with LORD OF THE RINGS!

Oh…and the blame that your XW throws your way i.e. you kept me out of the hospital…well that is just bull and you know it. It does NOT though mean that she SHOULD not be a part of her D life.

Ask yourself one more question………

If you were “distant” with your D for whatever reason…what would you like for the other parent to do?

You’re in a tough one Bro….I love ya like a brother so know that I will support you in whatever you decide.

I leave you with this....Be a man..and be a father…..BOTH must make TOUGH CHOICES……

Do what is right for YOUR D...not just NOW...but for the rest of her life.

God Bless,
Eric

[Jack_Three_Beans]

In short I don’t want to give her anymore ammunition to load her “blame me” gun. I know I will get blamed no matter what, however I really desire my words, deeds and actions to be pure.

MHL,

This struck me.

I think this affects you more than you would care to admit.

...knowing you will get blammed...

When I forgave myself, when we were seprated, when ponies fell out of the sky...you get my point...AFTER I was truly at the point of 'loving' my wife but : ) Not being in love with her.

I simply didn't care about her 'blame gun'; not only was I teflon coated; I was immune. I forgave myself, her button pushing went to wires I had pulled out.


As for your situation...
I can only offer hindsight and a little advice.

I’m the mother…….

Me: Then start acting like it. Not just texting and calling when its convientient to you and your schedule.

But if you want to do everything to help us reconcile, you sure are not showing it by giving GF my ticket.

This is probably the meanest thing you have ever done. I would give anything just to be able to see her, even without her knowing. And one day if we do reconcile, I can say that I was there.

Me: 2 things.

1 - Stop threatening me about how I am screwing up this desire to reconcile. YOU start proving you want it and I'll act accordingly. But right now, I'm done with the heavy lifting I HAVE shown my desire, just as you have shown your desire NOT to. Time for you to put up or shut up.

2 - Not intended to be mean. I am in the middle between you and daughter. She wanted (GF's name) to go, it is her day. What does that tell you? I figured that if you didn't know it wouldn't be a big deal. Well you found out and now your upset, sound familiar? It was a lie of ommission.



Well MHL, those are my words, you can tell how I feel from them. My advice, stems from two things. When the WAW blames the lack of reconcillation on the LBS for their actions...it is BS. And when the WAW crys boo-hoo-hoo for being cast as the bad parent...when that ARE the bad aprent.

I see little reason to coddle them on the parent part. I see little reason to validate them when they hold failed or failing reconcillation over the LBS head as some sort of threat.

Too hard line for you?

Perhaps.

Likely.

Either way, enjoy the day with your family MHL.

[WhatNow]

Chimin' in w/ my .02....FWIW

I just had the opposite issue for my DS14's graduation ceremony. H said he had to work, meetings back to back, real busy, blah, blah blah. I know DS would have been devastated if h was a no-show, in spite of his anger towards him. (The anger is coming from the kids' perceived rejection by his dad btw)

Anyway, I told H to consider my 5 year rule.... Will any of the people involved in his meetings remember in 5 years, that he had to reschedule b/c of his son's graduation? (probably not) Will son remember that his dad wasn't there in 5 years? Definitely!!!

These milestone events are important pieces in the kids' histories. How will she remember it? Mom wasn't there b/c I was upset w/her and I gave the ticket to some woman my dad was involved with at the time. ???

I have personal feelings here too. My parents were recently divorced before my HS graduation. Mom gave Dad's ticket to her BF. Dad went anyway and watched from beyond the fence. I looked for him. I saw him. HE WAS THERE. I felt loved, in spite of all the anger and confusion that was swirling around then.

[dwinter82]

Hey MHL, still following your thread. How's everything going?

[MHL]

DW!!!!!

Hey good to hear from you. Was thinking about you the other day!

I slipped down to catch up on you and Ce La Vie.

Things are great for me!!! Hard to believe where I was 2 years ago.....

Life goes on post divorce and it is pretty good, I have been dating the same woman since last December and it is going well, in fact just booked a getaway to Cancun with her just the other day!!

No wedding bells on the horizon or anything like that but it is definitely a serious, committed relationship. I will say that the second time around is much different.......I see my role in the relationship so much clearer now as oposed to when I met my XW.

I have little to no interaction with my XW and if we do it is mostly via email and text. My daughter does not speak to her nor does she even see her and I don't see that my XW is making any attempts to reach out to her daughter. My son still goes to see his mom but as he gets older I can tell it does not interest him as much.

I don't know where my XW is on her journey and I just don't care anymore, if you read a couple of posts up you can see that she still harbors some anger, however most of the time she is pleasant and polite towards me when on the rare occassion that we do talk.

I did take note of something my XW said a couple of months ago when I was making arrangements to get the rest of her stuff out of my house. My XW needed to come over to the house to make a decision on some stuff and my GF was in town (GF lives 1.5 hours away), My XW said that she preferred to come over to the house when my GF was not going to be there and i simply said okay.

Thinking back on it I remembered back when I was on the rollercoaster and my XW was out on the dating scene and we had an argument.......She said at that time that I she wished that I would just "meet someone else", she would "be happy" for me and that I deserved it!!!

I guess that now that it has happened it is not so "happy" for her......hmmmmm......I guess it is true......believe nothing they say!!!!

Hope things are going well for you too.

How are your kids doing?

Cheers

[courageous wife]

Hi MHL!

So happy to read that things are going well and that life is good!!!

[Truegritter]

Me too my friend...

And look it's c-dub ^^^^!