I would want to know he was clear if we were to try to repair this mess, and as he isn't willing to admit that what he put in his letter actually happened (ie PA) I think it is only right for me to make sure myself and my kids are safe.
As for if the A or lies are a deal breaker, I just don't know right now - if there was just me I think it probably would be to be honest, but I have two small children to consider too....such a mess.
Sorry you are here. I am dealing with my WAW affair also. I had never even thought about hep. Even though my w insists no pa, I don't believe it. I may just go with the kids and get us tested for my own piece of mind. Also, I'm going to insist w get tested too. She will be angry, but it's a result of her poor decision.
Keep strong. I can promise you, it will get easier...
Cheers
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Hope your tests are OK for you all - so wrong that kids have to be put through it because the person who cheated can't be honest.
Just returned from a vacation that was planned before this all happened. He is still insisting it was all made up when he was drunk one night and that he hasn't had a PA. He is claiming undying love for me and wants us to work things out - still so confused
Are you planning to get a satisfactory answer out of your H?
What would be "satisfactory"?
No amount of my W telling me that "nothing happened" when I found her under the covers of our marital bed with a "friend" who happened to be fully clothed would be considered a "satisfactory" answer to me. Nor the video I found of her laying in the lap of same gentleman...
No doubt she will forever deny any improprieties...
Do I simply assume I'm right? Do I simply assume the worst, consider it a deal breaker, and cut her out of my life?
Or do I "let it go"... truly... and work on re-building my trust in my W and building a better R and M?
Yes, in my sitch my W does not want to work on the M, so for me it's a moot point... Although if my W HAD agreed to work on the M, I was prepared to make every effort to get over it and accept it as some poor judgment on my W's part and move forward...
So what's the plan?
He has told you that he wants to work on your M? Are you planning on IC and/or MC or other efforts to do that...?
You make a very good point indeed KD and am amazed at what you mention your wife denies - I am finding it so difficult to understand how people can deny something when there is proof to the contrary.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I discovered the letter, emails and cards and I still just feel kind of empty - apart from when I discovered them I haven't cried and I just feel like I hate H - yes he says he definitely wants us to "grow old together" (his words)but other than that he is acting like nothing is wrong. I guess you're right and it is all down to me to decide if I can "let it go" and move on. I honestly don't know how to do it - it seems like a huge mountain right in front of me.
I would submit the first order of the day is to just get out and away from your H to do the thinking that you need to do...
Some serious soul searching, I think...
I'm not suggesting moving out or tossing him, just to be clear.
Just saying you need some YOU time, even if it means booking a couple nights at a hotel next weekend... He might become clingy and that might become annoying...
There are really only two ways you can approach this, in my opinion:
1. GET PROOF; or
2. ASSUME HE IS LYING.
Blindly assuming he's telling the TRUTH -- in light of what you've already discovered -- would be naive, and asking HIM to be honest with you is fruitless. Remember, "ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."
At this point, it is up to HIM to satisfactorily prove to YOU that he's serious about working on the marriage with you, WITHOUT a third person involved.
What are your dealbreakers? Some suggestions might be that he sends OW a no-contact letter, agrees to full transparency with you, and agrees to attend marriage counseling with you, but whatever they are, it needs to be YOUR list.
You're in a good position, with him claiming to want to work on the marriage. But THIS IS THE TIME when you have your maximum opportunity to ask for what you need.
Just returned from a vacation that was planned before this all happened. He is still insisting it was all made up when he was drunk one night and that he hasn't had a PA. He is claiming undying love for me and wants us to work things out . . .
Just returned from a vacation that was planned before this all happened. He is still insisting it was all made up when he was drunk one night and that he hasn't had a PA. He is claiming undying love for me and wants us to work things out . . .
And how did you respond?
Starsky
I'm afraid I was rather sarcastic and said I didn't think much to the strength of his undying love if he can do what he's done - probably wrong, I know but just so tired of hearing rubbish!
I would submit the first order of the day is to just get out and away from your H to do the thinking that you need to do...
Some serious soul searching, I think...
I'm not suggesting moving out or tossing him, just to be clear.
Just saying you need some YOU time, even if it means booking a couple nights at a hotel next weekend... He might become clingy and that might become annoying...
Yes, I think you're right that I need some time alone - his sad lost puppy expression is becoming annoying when it should be me that has that expression under the circumstances!! I'm still trying not to upset things too much at the moment, it is our S birthday at the weekend so I don't want to spoil it for him bless him but maybe the next available weekend would be a good idea!
I'm afraid I was rather sarcastic and said I didn't think much to the strength of his undying love if he can do what he's done - probably wrong, I know but just so tired of hearing rubbish!