Kalni, Lanzo, Starsky, DNO, Thanks for the 2X4's. I need to think beyond penetration as was suggested. I get overly focused on that. There will be opportunities to move forward, it I take advantage of them. As Starsky suggests, it is time to move forward. The window of opportunity is open. As Kalni observed, I was expecting dancing to cure the M. I was staying in a comfort zone. DNO reminds me to think in DB terms, and to hear what my W is trying to communicate to me. At some point, if things aren't moving forward, a different pattern needs to be introduced, no matter how small. It's amazing how we can create obstacles for ourselves, and adopt an unhelpful perspective.
I think it's time to move from dancing friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. It's time to start looking like a couple, instead of two people hanging-out. I feel it for the first time maybe ever, or for a long time. It won't be acting, but will be a process of opening up.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Your story here starts 8 years ago. How were the first 10 years? At one point you liked each other enough to get married. How was your physical relationship then?
Is this your first marriage? I do not recall ever hearing of one before.
You were married roughly at 33 years of age, how were your relationships with women before you were married?
I am trying to gain a little more understanding of where you came from and how you wound up here.
I look forward to hearing about the successes spurred on by your new attitude.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
My W and I had some conflict last night. She was rubbing my behind in bed, last night and I recoiled. I'm ambivalent about restarting sexual relations. I'm not sure if she had that in mind. Her feelings were hurt. I suppose if I'm going to agree to be in the marital bedroom, than I need to be open to physical intimacy.
Originally Posted By: Concerned Listener 07/19/07
I think that Matilda is right in that I should pursue some level of physical intimacy. Perhaps, cuddling in bed at night would be a good start. Light touches on the shoulder or arm, may be another good way to start. I have gotten her flowers in the past, but will have to think about that.
Originally Posted By: Concerned Listener 08/16/07
I did attend the salsa venue last night with my W. We had a wonderful time.
She initiated sex with me last night at 2AM. I agreed and tried to have the experience be more than intercourse. We'll see what kind of comments I get from her today.
DNO, This is my first M. It's difficult writing about history in the space here. I'm getting myself back into a daily writing habit, to try and make sense of things. If I come up with any insights about my M, I'll share them. I'm trying to make sense of things myself. Your questions will require some exploration.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Breaking the ice isn't so easy after all. I did cuddle with my W one morning. I will continue to look for cuddle opportunities. Cuddling seems like the next step to me. I can see myself doing that.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Screw "cuddling," CL. Intiate some intimacy. In my opinion, it would be WORSE for you if you try to initiate some sort of very passive contact, than if you did nothing at all, because your wife may think "See? That's all he's capable of; I need more than that."
I could be wrong, having SSM issues myself, so I'd love to hear other opinions. But I see the preferential order as:
1. Confidently initiate LMing;
2. Do nothing.
3. Meekly initiate "cuddling."
In any event, I'd like to see less introspection from you (which you're already very good at), and more ACTION.
Screw "cuddling," CL. Intiate some intimacy. In my opinion, it would be WORSE for you if you try to initiate some sort of very passive contact, than if you did nothing at all, because your wife may think "See? That's all he's capable of; I need more than that."
Starsky
Starsky, Cuddling is action. I don't see how you equate cuddling with meekness. It fits with DB strategy of doing something different and measuring results. I say let's do the cuddling, and see what happens, because I don't know what else to do. We don't know what effect it will have. If that's the open door I see, I say walk thru it and see where it takes me. I don't see how it could make things worse, and we can't predict what my W will think. I agree that one instance of cuddling is not a good start, though it does at least break the pattern of nothing.
I don't see me as being capable of intitiating confident ML at this time. If I attempt to do that, it will be done anxiously and passively, as you fear. I'd rather do an action I can do with intention and conviction.
I do appreciate your concern and advice. I don't think I can do precisely what your asking. I do agree that it's time for more action and less analyzing.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
