She asked me what I was doing today (I believe as a way of letting me know that she was going to the lake without me but I'm not sure) and I let her know that I had some work to tend to.
My son asked whether I was coming along and I told him that I wasn't able to as I hadn't been invited and had some work. I wish I had left out that first part as he got upset and mentioned it to my W. My mistake.
Other than that, she is talking more to me and being pleasant as we interacted this morning. This is a continuation and even a small improvement from yesterday (and I was pleased with how things went yesterday). She is engaging me in chit chat and has asked me opinion on several decisions she needed to make. She even asked me to check out a bump she discovered near a sensitive part of her body- the bump was nothing but man it felt good to touch her again even for the sake of an examination!
I've tried to remain supportive of her in our interaction and I believe I have been successful. I think some time apart today is for the best. I'm trying to not get my hopes up but it does feel like things are improving.
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
Be really careful not to use the kids in any way during this, even a passive-aggressive one. I know "I wasn't invited" seems harmless, but I promise you, it causes them anxiety.
When my S7 asked if I could come to Ikea with him and daddy, I just said, "Oh, sweetie, that's a you and daddy trip!" Obviously your son isn't at the age for that, but you have to find a way to answer his questions without making him feel put in the middle or causing your W to *think* that's what you're doing.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
My son asked whether I was coming along and I told him that I wasn't able to as I hadn't been invited and had some work. I wish I had left out that first part as he got upset and mentioned it to my W. My mistake.
Somehow, you've got to stop sounding like you are a disappointed little boy. Not only does this teach your son to be passive with women, but it's things like this that causes your W to feel you are more like another kid instead of her man.
You'll get there, but it takes time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She asked me what I was doing today (I believe as a way of letting me know that she was going to the lake without me but I'm not sure) and I let her know that I had some work to tend to.
You closed off her invitation by telling her you had work to do. Maybe next time, just tell her you haven't decided what your plans will be.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yep, I could have handled both of those responses better. Learning sometimes involves hard work. I've been told I need to keep my expectations low so disappointment doesn't occur. You may also be right (again) Sandi that she may have invited me to go the beach, had I not responded with having "work to do."
Things do appear to be on the upswing despite my sliding briefly yesterday.
She asked my opinion on a couple of decisions last night and we worked together to sort out some childcare scheduling. She smiled at me during a couple of the exchanges and we're having some eye contact when we communicate- these things are a definite improvement over a month ago.
I hope I'm not grasping at straws by viewing our interactions as positive signs...
She called and left a message today wanting to know if I delivered the kids to their childcare, and also to ask my opinion about another issue. I'm going to call back but I'm making sure at least an hour goes by before I do.
I like the things that I'm seeing but it turns out I will probably need to leave town for about two weeks to help my mom who is having some serious health issues and lives a long ways away. I need to do this and will probably leave by the end of the week but I'm very concerned about losing some of the momentum that seems to have started after 2.5 months of 180 work. Telephone and email contact will be sporadic at best for me after I leave.
How do I approach this and keep DB'ing?
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
...she may have invited me to go the beach, had I not responded with having "work to do."
I wasn't going to touch on this one to see if you would have figured it out, although I'm glad that it was brought up.
The only thing that I would add to this is, in what way can this be a 180?
In my sitch, "I have work to do" was my "more of the same". So if my W were to bring up something like this, it would be in my best interest to let her know I had no set plans. Leaving the door open for an invite if she asked, and NOT asking if I could tag along.
So what would "I have work to do" been in your sitch? More of the same or a 180? And... did it help / hurt / or have no effect.
Originally Posted By: Handler
I hope I'm not grasping at straws by viewing our interactions as positive signs...
Always accept positive as positive... simply have no expectations around them. IOW, do not think the positives are signs to move towards. They are just... positive and figure out how to keep doing what you are doing to keep getting positives...
Originally Posted By: Handler
She called and left a message today wanting to know if I delivered the kids to their childcare, and also to ask my opinion about another issue. I'm going to call back but I'm making sure at least an hour goes by before I do.
Here's something that my W has always done with me and continues to do, although not so much... she would task me to do something, especially around the kids, then she would follow up to make sure I did it, generally to see that I performed according to her expectations.
Adding in the "other issues" would be my W's way of making appear like she wasn't checking up on me, because the REAL REASON I'M CALLING is for something else...
Anyhow, again the question is, is this "more of the same" from your W and is you calling her back (even delayed) more of the same? IOW, do you need to call her back within some time frame, or can her other issues be dealt with at some later date?
Originally Posted By: Handler
I'm very concerned about losing some of the momentum that seems to have started after 2.5 months of 180 work. Telephone and email contact will be sporadic at best for me after I leave.
How do I approach this and keep DB'ing?
Just appreciate that all of your hard work will not be forgotten. Going away after having a period of good interactions and positive results will go a long way to making the time away an opportunity for your W to realize what she's missing when you ARE gone...
It is likely your W will connect with you a good number of times while you are gone. She will have some "reason" or another to contact you. Just be sure that those interactions remain positive...
Well, just when I thought things were going well...
We had an enjoyable picnic in the park and came home and cleaned things up.
I made lunches for the kids while my W put them to bed.
I went outside to sit in the back yard and she came out and joined me; it was about 10 PM and dark outside
She told me that she realized I was doing my best to be a good dad and husband. I told her that I made these recent changes for me. She said she was glad to hear this. She said that she felt I should've been more active as a dad in the past, and that I had missed out on some things with our kids. I told her that I should've been more involved with them.
She said that the marriage has been over for her for some time.
She decided last Fall that it was time to end our marriage.
She said she was frustrated that I hadn't contacted the divorce mediator she found and thought this was deceitful. She said that she needs the emotional space from me and needs to end the marriage.
I told her I understood her frustration but a number of factors have made this a difficult time for me, including my mom's recent health problems (I'll be leaving in a few days to spend some time with her and will probably be gone 10 days).
I told her that I understood her unhappiness and resulting anger from the poor state of our marriage. I told her I was sorry for this.
She told me that we need to tell our kids about her intention to divorce when I return from visiting her mom. She said that we need to agree as to what to tell them. I agreed with her.
She said that it has been a struggle for her to do things with me and the kids over these past couple months (we have been still doing a fair number of activities as a family since she dropped the initial bomb over three months ago). She said that she should not have to feel forced to do these activities. She did say that she enjoyed herself during our Friday night outing and it was the first time in a while that she had fun with me. She said that she hoped we could be friends at some point in the future but it will probably be a while before this happens.
We talked briefly about the kids and the events of the day. This part was pleasant chit chat.
She again said that she realizes that I don't want the marriage to end, but she does and that she will not waver from her decision. She said that she is disappointed that the marriage had failed, and that she shares in my disappointment. She bid me a good night and said she hoped I could sleep. I also told her good night.
What do I do now?
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
Not good, although it sounds like you did a good job of DBing the convo. At least from what you've posted.
So, plans pretty much remain the same. You're best bet is LRT which includes further GALing and detaching...
A general rule of thumb at this time is, if your W wants the D and you do not, then let her do all the leg work.
If and as it progresses, only do what is absolutely necessary within time constraints. You do not want to look like you are stalling, but in the same time, you are "making sure that everything is satisfactory and conducting due diligence".
This offers you further time to continue to become a better man that only a fool would leave.
Not easy... the whole reason you are here, from beginning to end, never is...
But if you want to work on yourself and possibly save your M in the process, this is the path that you are on...
We had more positive interaction over the past few days than we'd had in some time (there were a number of things that I didn't mention including some playfulness on her part earlier last evening that I hadn't seen in some time). I became hopeful (but did not let her know this). I sure didn't expect this conversation last night. Why did she have this upswing in our interactions before reestablishing the bomb last night?
One other thing about last night: she told me that she was grieving the loss of her marriage. I had seen that she had a "steps of grief" paper earlier and now I guess I know why.
She was cheerful this morning after reporting a bad night of sleep. There were again no put-downs and we talked easily until she went off to work.
You are right in pointing out one positive Kaffe Diem: there is more time for me here to establish and sustain a better man.
I'm struggling to see any other positive here.
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
