(((Mishka))) when I read your posts they tell me that Gabe is 'there'. How long has he been back for now? It's been a while hasn't it?
Are there specific words you need to hear from him? If so what are they? Are there specific actions you need? If so what are they?
I think after what we have been through we are all a little extra cautious because I know you are back with Gabe but it really is a second relationship. Whenever I talk to people who have been through divorce as opposed to people who haven't been through that they are always a little more wizened. That is to say, they are a little more cautious and perhaps realistic about the possibilities. It is a shame because I think we lose that ability to express hopes and dreams as much as 1st relationships because we dare not dream them. I don't know if that is just me but we need to find a balance between blind trust and cynicism. or perhaps we need a little of both!
OK Mish, rather than looking at when and why you aren't feeling close to Gabe ('cuz I'm sure you can reel that stuff off in your sleep!)why don't you ask yourself "when do I feel closest to him?". What's happening when you feel that way, how are YOU making it happen and how can YOU make more of that happen. Btw, check out "How To Improve You Marriage Without Talking About It" by Paticia Love and Steven Stosny...it's Michelle approved!
Wii - I really do need to get that book. Is it from a one sided view or does it require participation of both parties? If that is the case then I'm doomed. He wouldn't participate in anything remotely having to do with improving something that doesn't exist.
Julia - All absolutely spot on comments. Expressing any kind of hope or dream in regards to this R we now have is pretty difficult for me. The fear and cynicism overrides my ability to have hope. The exhaustion is too much sometimes.
In thinking about this and what I would need to hear from him I read my horoscope for today (I never read it but just happened to click it today):
Taurus - You may be looking at a ver small problem as though it's a very large problem. It isn't because it was presented to you incorrectly. It isn't because te way yo discovered the problem was in some way foggy or misleading. Your perception is off most likely because there is a very volatile and emotional situation behind te problem that has distorted it in your eyes. Someone may be trying to make amends, but in the words that person chooses or in the memories the issue brings forth, you are recalling something that upsets you. Step back. Gain some perspective. And then accept the apology that is being offered, even if it isn't direct.
Ok...so....that hit on a few key things.
This past Saturday my landlord came over to have me sign a new lease. Gabe was there when he got there and since he has known us for 10 years he asked, very gently, if we were back together. Gabe was standing right there but didn't answer so I had to. I just said we were working on it and left it at that. It was very uncomfortable feeling.
Later that night I asked Gabe if he was ok with what I had told the landlord and his response was a half-hearted, "Yeah, that was fine. No problem."
No problem? WTF does that mean???? It was an opening an he shut it down faster than if he had actually slammed a door on me. It hurt pretty bad and I'm still stinging from it. Even though he does loving things all day or me and comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me all the time, that cut me to the bone.
So....is it like that crazy horoscope said? Or is it really as bad as it feels to me?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka, when he was gone you kind of pulled yourself back together didn't you. It was Gabe falling apart. Then he comes back and it seems you've fallen to pieces again.
You have to find the Mishka who was fine without Gabe. You're coming off as clingy. What you said to the landlord was fine. Asking Gabe if it was OK was clingy.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I think you were hoping Gabe would take the opening to make some huge declaration of love. From what I can see, guys rarely do that. Your happiness shouldn't depend on what he says, thinks or does. You are your own person responsible for you. Isn't your main love language Acts of Service(if not it certainly is Gabe's as that is how he is showing you love from what I can see all the way over here in Kansas).
If yours is a different love language gently let him know what it is. You can be as subtle as a brik and say it...Gabe, I really like when you do xyz for me. It makes me feel loved and I appreciate that. Come on girl, what are you waiting for?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Mish, the book is based on the fact that guys tend to have real difficulty with the "R talk" so there are ways to deal with him that can get past that. Guys sweat bullets when the R talk is brought up because it normally means we're in deep doo doo. Let's face it, nobody ever wants to have the R talk to tell you how loved you make them feel! I read the book a while back and quite liked it. You can probably reserve it at the library. It's worth a shot.
Btw, Kat's suggest is right on and I think it may be in the book as well. Guys love to be told they're doing something right. We like to know what to do so when you tell him "that made me feel loved" he's likely to do it again.
Taurus - You may be looking at a ver small problem as though it's a very large problem. It isn't because it was presented to you incorrectly. It isn't because te way yo discovered the problem was in some way foggy or misleading. Your perception is off most likely because there is a very volatile and emotional situation behind te problem that has distorted it in your eyes. Someone may be trying to make amends, but in the words that person chooses or in the memories the issue brings forth, you are recalling something that upsets you. Step back. Gain some perspective. And then accept the apology that is being offered, even if it isn't direct.
Very timely.
Originally Posted By: mishka422
This past Saturday my landlord came over to have me sign a new lease. Gabe was there when he got there and since he has known us for 10 years he asked, very gently, if we were back together. Gabe was standing right there but didn't answer so I had to. I just said we were working on it and left it at that. It was very uncomfortable feeling.
Later that night I asked Gabe if he was ok with what I had told the landlord and his response was a half-hearted, "Yeah, that was fine. No problem."
No problem? WTF does that mean????
You are looking at this from a negative perspective. You are not even vocalizing the possibility that he was disappointed you didn't just say "yes".
His actions speak much louder than his words.
If you were confident in your relationship with him because of his actions, you would have just busted out with a "yes" and a smile and never even asked him if that was okay right?
Act as if my dear. Focus on the positives. And build on the positives.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
