OnMyWay: to the next phase.

[OnMyWay]

KD, I dunno about getting ahead of myself, but my prediction was right on the money. She was all about being "in bed" the other night. Not really worth going into details. Just add in the next morning, she awoke apologizing to me for taking advantage of the situation. I blew it off with a "eh, don't worry about it" and went about my day.

Today was weird, though. Since then, she's kind of been hovering around in the shadows. Posted some interesting things on Facebook. Interacting with some of my friends. Today there's this text volley:

W: Random thought of the day: Would u like to have dinner with me one of these nights? Maybe Indian?

Me: That is random... and unexpected. When were u thinking?

W: Dunno... maybe tomorrow?

Me: How about Friday. I need a sitter and am a little strapped for cash this week.
(* A little test to see how available she is or how willing she is to step away from her friends and her social life *)

W: Friday won't work for me... :-(
(* She failed *)

Me: Ok. Well perhaps another time. Thanks for the invite.

W: Yep.. I feel silly now.

Me: Don't worry about it. Ur fine.

W: Yea... I suppose..

Good thing I'm seeing my shrink today. Lol.

Me: Give u sumpin to talk about. Lol.

W: Maybe

(Long pause)

W: How does that make u feel- possibly having dinner with me? Weird?

For some reason I just miss our conversations... but I also feel I'm stupid for asking u that.

Me: (* refusing to give her anything here *)
I dunno. I mean its just dinner, right? How bad can that be?

W: Yep.. wanna go on an inexpensive adventure instead? Maybe a drive + picnic?

Me: Ok. Sure.

(Another half hour goes by)

W: Want me to see if *sitter* is available?
I'll buy dinner if you are able to pay *her*.

Me: Unless she can stay with *BFF's Mom*, *Other Mom*, or other.

W: We shouldn't be gone that long... did you spend all your money on shot gun ammo? ;-) lol
(* I just bought a new shot gun for skeet shooting. I've never mentioned it to her. It's poorly hidden in my closet, so she's was obviously snooping when she was over last *)

Me: U touching my gun?

W: :-)

Me: Shot gun ammo is CHEAP.

W: Uh huh.. shot guns aren't. LOL

I'm just teasing. ;-)

Me: Shall I have it dusted for prints?

W: It's half mine, so it won't even matter if u find (censored) on it. Hehe
(* How convenient that everything I've purchase since she moved out she still considers "half hers" - red flag? *)

Me: What is it with girls always touching my hot metal?

W: LOL



(*sigh) More text flirting. She seems to want to do this a lot lately. Still, the whole "date" thing is out of left field and I wasn't expecting that. I admit to trying to dodge it by choosing Friday, as I knew she's be tied up with her party friends and wanted to see how important this is to her. I also admit to feeling nervous, thinking it could be a trap and I'll get surprised with papers, although I'm doubting it. Seems as if she's back to "nesting" and trying things out - again. Tonight, while I'm at work, she's at home with D9 and another of D9's friends and mother (Different one thank last week) for an evening at the pool play date.

These are strange days, indeed.

My plan is to stay the course - continue to do my own thing, continue GAL, and making her put forth even more effort here. I stopped chasing her months ago and don't plan to restart now. I also have to try harder to keep her from thinking she can just come in and jump into bed with me whenever it's convenient for her.

I need to see her putting more skin in the game. Otherwise, she's just another woman trying to get somewhere with me - and there seems to be plenty of those available for me these days. She'll have her work cut out for her.

[OnMyWay]

Ok, so last night's "date" was challenging. W's attitude between the time she'd asked and we got to the point of going out had definitely changed - not surprised. It didn't go well. For wanting to "converse" with me, she didn't have much to talk about. Eventually, she came clean and unloaded on me - she asked me if she could move home.

She wouldn't comment on what our sitch would be like, just that she misses our D9 so much and feels like an outsider that she wants to come back. She wants to be around during the holidays when my parents are here visiting. She wants to be involved in our home life. She did get in a protective "I don't want to come back to be your wife" statement in there, although I think that, due to her actions and other statements, is something seriously on her mind.

The date didn't go well, as old emotions, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and outside influences eventually creeped into the conversation. I was able to eventually diffuse the situation with a simple hug, which lasted for many minutes. We both admitted we'd initially had no expectations of the evening. She hadn't had any intention of asking me to come home and said she wasn't sure what prompted her to do so. It was getting late. She came to bed with me for some cuddling, but didn't want to stay the night, which I agreed was a good idea, even though I pushed the envelope by encouraging her to stay. When she came back this morning to be with D9, I could tell she'd been up most of the night crying, as her eyes we all puffy. I'm sure she's feeling very exposed and confused. Admittedly, not a great night of DBing on my part.

What does all this mean? Well, in retrospect, I guess it means my going dark, GAL, and doing the MLC dance has worked to a great extent. She wrote down in her IC notebook that I have been able to disconnect, while she is unable to. She is very defensive about the prospective other women in my life. Yet, she can't come to grips with the fact that she still has deep emotional attachment to me (or at least won't admit it to me, although it is obviously there).

As far as the move-in goes, the answer must be no for now. While, I'll leave that door open for her, I can't invite her in as I cannot see that as being a solution to our issues. A goal for down the road, sure, but there's currently no road map in place to help us get there. If she's serious, I've suggested perhaps it's time to bring me into counseling with her, so we can properly gauge our sitch. She did mention her IC has been asking her to include me since the beginning, but she hasn't felt she was ready for that. On a side note, she did mention how she told the IC that she feels like she's been fired from a job she loved and that the IC responded, "Were you fired or did you quit?" She said the reality of that statement really floored her and put things in perspective.

Regardless, without some sort of potential for long term success, I think there's no point in trying. Be interesting to see where we go from here. I'm betting on a pretty big pull-back today, which will mean status-quo for now. But, it does feel like one step in a direction away from limbo.

[~ kd ~]

I believe you have the right perspective on this, atm...

As much as we start the physical separation period with the HOPE that they will ask to come back, or ask us to come back... the reality is, it's not that simple...

I would submit that if she is serious about it, she should have to move back in with very clear goals and commitments to the M. Not just because she doesn't like the cost of living alone... both financially and emotionally...

Keep doing what's been working... you know the drill...

[AJM80]

Female- don't eff crazy and these 2 ladies are battling it out over you and getting a bit weird. Don't date D's friend's mom. D needs her stable relationships and if things go south with you and the mom, it'll hurt your girl. If they go well, your W will try to drive a wedge between them. Please let bff mom know this. It's a gentle, kind thing - flirty is cool and she is attractive, but you don't want to make life any more complicated for the girls.

[OnMyWay]

"Don't eff crazy" accurately describes both these women, and I don't have time for either of them. eff 'em both.

As for my W, for someone who wants to come back, she's made it pretty impossible for me to accept her. She is constantly aggressive and sometimes even nasty, which I find down right unattractive. During some of our discussions, I'd stated there can be no coming home of any sort without us getting counseling first. She said she would discuss with her IC, whom she now feels has had intentions of getting us back together all along - almost real conspiracy type stuff, eh? Any way, I've heard nothing back on any of that. She's just back to being nasty again. Here's my latest example:

We have a 529 college savings account for our D. It is in my W's name, for some reason, although I'm listed as a guest on the account. My parents have put 10's of thousands of dollars in there. My father is concerned that my crazy W will steal the money for her partying lifestyle - she is fond of telling everyone how she now has $20,000 worth of student loans in her name since leaving me; my parents have a right to be concerned as do I for tax liability should she cash out. At my father's request months ago, I had secured the web access and changed the address to my folks home and mentioned all that to her. Her selective memory lapsed and she just recently "discovered" that she didn't have direct access. She flipped out on me and accused me of all sorts of bad things, even though she had mistakenly hacked my own personal accounts trying to "fix it," which apparently doesn't matter at all - the double standards she judges me by still amaze me.

I've decided to step out of the argument. The money is my fathers and the account is hers, so let those chips between the two of them fall where they may, should she make bad decisions. She'll have deal with my Dad on that one, and he won't be very pleasant. She had stated that she wanted to be around for our family time during Thanksgiving this year, which make me uneasy. My folks didn't come last year because of our sitch. I haven't seen my parents in two years now and know they don't want to be around to be stuck in our problems. Now that there's a money issue on the table and her integrity is questionable, I'm pretty sure she won't be very welcome. I just don't want to jeopardize my time with M&D and my D. W is afraid of being alone on a holiday - my thinking is that this is what separation is all about, so deal with it.

Ah, the joys of the non-married! She is in a full-on "cake-eating" mode. Still takes no responsibility for and owns nothing of what she's done here. More and more all my fault, it seems - like I forced her to cheat on me and move out. Well, again that's her problem.

I guess the lesson I've learned here is, while the result of reconciliation was desirable, it seems less and less possible. Next time, I'll just stay dark and keep doing my thing.

On the positive side, I have access to and positive responses from more women than I could've ever imagined. The idea of losing my W no longer seems like such a bad thing after all. It certainly raises the bar for her, should she continue to with this "coming home" idea, as I'm much less likely to compromise now that I have so many alternate and attractive options. I fear my sweet, loving, adorable wife is lost forever and the woman who's left behind is just such an ugly person. I pity the fool who's married to her . . . wait, that's me . . . oh, sh!t! LOL

[AJM80]

Ok, I just read this after posting on my own story....I wonder, maybe, if she's testing you. Last thing she wants is to come back and have you decide you don't want her after she makes herself vulnerable. And maybe she's testing to see if you'd choose your family over her or if your family would even accept her again or if it would be poison all around. My suggestion - tell her tgiving will be just the 3 of you. Then make a great, wonderful separate tgiving with your parents and daughter, no wife. And you can tell her that you appreciate her desire to reconcile, that you are still uncertain, but tgiving as a family is doable. However, you are not going to prematurely bring the whole family in on this until things are more settled and less emotional.

[OnMyWay]

Been a while since I've been here, but I'm glad I stopped by to catch up on everyone's sitch. Thought I'd update mine in hopes of offering up some hope to those still struggling. Please pardon the rambling, as that's the way OnMyWay writes through the thought process.

My last update was almost 2-1/2 months ago. After my last post, some interesting things happened - not so much with my W, but within me.

First, I had a birthday on 9/14 - I turned 45. Now, I don't think that was a milestone age or anything, so I'm not sure if it is relevant. To celebrate, I went out to lunch with a few friends who proceeded to get me seriously intoxicated - all in good fun, of course. However, after the damn hangover, something in me changed - not quite an epiphany or anything dramatic, more of an overall change in philosophy. Like I finally grew up. I'm certainly over "it."

Up until this time, I'd been out trying to GAL, get fit, date women, live a lifestyle, really "working" at it - whatever. All of a sudden, I simply didn't want any of it any longer, I came to a point where I'd had enough. I just stopped. My whole lifestyle changed overnight. Now, I stay home on weekends with my D and hangout with her, mostly. I'm not a teetotaler by any means, but I rarely drink anything anymore. I've stopped worrying about most things and really found my center, my place where I was good with being myself and let other people worry about whether they like me or not.

I also discovered something important - I no longer worried about my M with W. I no longer worried about whether or not we'd ever get back together. People would ask where we were at and my answer became something along the lines of, "I'm not sure, but either way, I'm good :-)" Not that I don't care or that it doesn't matter, it's just that I have a future and a whole life left to live, and I want to live it on MY terms - period. Not someone else's, not my W's, just me. I let it all go - everything: my M, financial stress, the economy, other's opinions, family pressures, friend's issues, etc. I let everyone else have their own problems, set it all aside and simply became satisfied with me and became true to myself.

The funny thing is, this has snow-balled for me. The more relaxed and happier I became, the happier and more relaxed I was - to the point where no one, not even my W could do ANYTHING to bother me. None of it is my problem. Not to say I don't care, but as everyone points out here on this site, don't worry about things you have no control over. I realized I have very little control over very little. Once I changed my life so that I minimized that even further by taking myself out of the loop, it just all became clear.

There's a tremendous peace involved with it. For me, it's not about GAL or detachment or any "techniques" to try to win someone back. It's about me, plain and simple. About being honest with myself and becoming comfortable in my own skin - that is the extent of my responsibility. My W will have to worry about herself.

Which brings us to the latest developments on the M front. Whether she's noticed my changes or not is not relevant to me. However, she has been around a bit more than usual. Not too much discussion, but some weirdness. I've been planning another extended sailing trip on my boat and was telling her about it when she broke down in tears. I held her for a while to comfort her, then left for work after she'd calmed down. I never asked her about it, as I figured she'd tell me if she wanted to talk about it. I just thought it was odd, figuring she must be have some demons she needs to deal with.

Monday night when I got home from work, she was at home with a strange look on her face. I asked her if something was wrong and she said, "No." I sat down and did my own thing when I looked over at her again and she was staring at me. I became concerned and asked if everything was ok and she completely lost it, falling apart and unloading everything about her life.

Turns out, besides being broke and not having a place of her own to live, she has no life. She doesn't want to get a divorce. She is miserable. She goes to school and works constantly, making her exhausted all the time. Her friends have grown sick of hearing about her problems, so she has no one to talk to, except me. It hasn't gone unnoticed that out of all her friends and family, the only true friend she has that she can talk to about this stuff is me - and she doesn't even like me, but misses me horribly. Crazy sounding, yes, but she continued for a long time. I simply let her unload.

I asked if she has made any progress with her IC, and she said she's gotten worse to the point where the IC has referred her to a psychologist, but she didn't make the appointment. I was floored by some of the stuff she came up with and was actually worried for her health. Add in the fact that my parents are coming on Sunday, adding a whole other heap of pressure on her - she loves them dearly, but is worried about what they will think (which, btw, I'm not as they will all have to sort that out on their own and be responsible for themselves). It was almost unbelievable that, after all we've been through, she has fallen into such a bad place and I ended up completely opposite. The irony is evident.

A dear friend's mother died and her funeral was today. She asked me to go with her as she doesn't do well at funerals. I did. The funeral was very emotional for her. We then went out to lunch and came home for a nap . . . together. She's obviously trying things out - testing. Tonight when I came home, she got up and announced she was leaving. I wished her a good night. "You're not mad?" She asked.

"Why would I be mad?" I replied. After all, where she stays is her decision. Our door has always been open for her to come back when she is ready.

"Well, then do you want a hug?"

"Why, do you want a hug?" I teased.

"I asked you first," she counted.

"Ok, yes, I'll be very happy to hug you," which I did.

"I'm glad you wanted that hug," she smiled as she walked out the door.

Whatever any of this means, I dunno. I'm happy with myself and I think she feels better now, which is very important. I wish her the best no matter what she decides. As for me, I'm good either way. After all, I'm OnMyWay :-D

[sayitaintso]

OMW- I really appreciate your posts and your perspective. I'm about 5 months in from a WAW spouse and am moving in the direction you are at and it feels great to be happy with myself and realize as you said that we have very little control of anything. Thanks for sharing and please continue.

Best!!

[OnMyWay]

One thing I can control is me, and I'm finding that to be quite the challenge lately.

My parents are visiting - staying with me and D9. They didn't come last year, as they didn't want to be in the middle of our sitch. Now, though, they are here and I'm finding myself under a bit of pressure.

My parents don't understand our sitch - why we aren't divorced but aren't together either. They seem disappointed in my W. They ask about her all the time, why things are the way they are, what she's doing, etc. Conversely, she asks me about them, how they are reacting, what they are saying, etc., making me the middle man.

I've actually been struggling with this, but stuck to my personal "code" and always answered with a "I understand you want to know what (other) is thinking, saying, etc., but I can't speak for (other). If you want to know the answer to that, I encourage you to ask (other)."

W has opened up some. She's feeling the pressure also (as I am sure are my parents). She tells me she wants to come back, but is very hesitant, because she knows in her heart if she comes back, it must be for good. She's not sure of her ability to do that. With her school, she doesn't feel she can commit the emotional resources she believes she needs to rebuild our relationship. I try not to encourage her either way, but simply tell her to be true to herself and it will all work out regardless of outcome.

My parents have been pushing me pretty hard for some sort of resolution, which has had the unwanted effect of pushing me towards filing - another case of the LBS becoming the WAS. That is not what I wanted, of course, but I do need to move in some sort of direction. I feel like I'm a new man and want to get on with my life. This limbo is old. However, I do not like being pushed by anyone to make a decision that is not mine to make. My life, my schedule - no apologies.

So, we ride out the holidays and see what we get. I feel confident the New Year will be a new life - with or without my wife.

Happy Thanksgiving to all you DBers going through the same thing. There truly is a lot to be thankful for!

[OnMyWay]

I've spent a lot of time lately posting about the "new" me and how much my life has improved. Time to shed some light on the effects on my marital sitch, as things are moving rapidly.

As I pointed out previously, my parents were visiting for thanksgiving and my W wanted to be involved in the day. This had been causing W a lot of worry and stress. My parents weren't very "warm" towards her and there was some friction between the two of us over the issue. However, I told W that she should do what every she wants to do with in her comfort level. She really wanted to come to dinner, so I told her "so be it." We then discussed expectations. I let her know I had none, other than to have a nice day with my family - that I was setting everything aside for this. She felt the same and made the effort. We had a great Thanksgiving.

Since then, W has a bit of spent time over at the house, helped with home improvement projects, and has been part of the family. She's invited me to a museum I've always wanted to go to, but that she had no interest in - even bought us tickets. She sleeps over from time to time.

She frequently comments on many of the changes I've made in myself. We have fun again when we are together. Where she used to dread coming over, she now dreads having to leave. She freely admits she feels she's about to go through a major change and speaks in terms of our mutual futures together often. While she says she still feels like a self-imposed outsider, she "nests" around the house. She is helping me pick out new rugs and home improvement projects - she's participating again. The stress of her school makes her long for a vacation and we have talked many times about making a trip to Cancun or someplace out-of-the-way together. She even went so far as to say, "When we get back together, it will have to be a rule we vacation alone together a minimum of one week a year." Her attitude and the things she says seem as if she has every intention of coming back to the marriage in a permanent fashion. We will have to wait and see.

All this is a rapid and major change in attitude for her. She stated she feels, as hard as this separation has been, ultimately much good will come from it. I have to agree as I feel the greater the adversity, the greater the opportunity. For now, I'm continuing to find myself and hold on to the progress I have made, leaving her to her own demons, while being as supportive as possible. If she decides to come back, the door is open for her. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it sure does feel like she's "trying it on for size," looking for her way back in. Kind of funny, when all she has to do is move back.

It would be nice to be able to move over to "Piecing" forum, but at that point, I know the real hard work will begin.