Forgetting those things which are behind......

[holdingon]

Mockers,
Things sound wonderful for you! Make room for that forgiveness... remember it is for YOU!

[mockers2]

Thank you, Holdingon. You are right - the forgiveness is for me. It's a choice I am trying to make every day. I will continue to pray, as I know only God can accomplish this is me. One thing I am becoming accutely aware of are the many ways I fail each day, and that the strength I have shown through this last year has been His strength, not mine. (Not trying to be self-critical, just realizing that He must be an integral part of everything in my life - every aspect.)

Positives:
1. H worked all weekend, and said this AM that he misses me.
2. Had good nights with the children this weekend. Got to keep praying about this - how I treat them, the example I am setting. (Got to work on forgiving myself too, I guess.)
3. H and I have a date this week. He seems to really be enjoying our date nights.
4. H told me he appreciates the work I am doing around the house.
5. H called to see if I could take the afternoon off - he knows I can't, but it's nice to hear that he would liek it if I could.

Now for a question - in alot that I've read - DR and other books, also on quite a few threads here - it seems that an important part of working through the aftermath of an A is talking with your WAS about why it happened. This is something we have not yet done, and I'm wondering if it is truly necessary - can you tell I'm frightened? I'm thining it would be good, I just still feel some pain when thinking about bringing the whole thing up again. (I know very few details about the A - don't know when it started, although I have an idea generally when...Yuck - it's making me sick just thinking about it.)Lately, I've also had more frequent thoughts about the OP - maybe because a year ago this month is when I learned of her?

Anyway, I know we could talk about the why part without talking about the details of the A - I don't think I'll ever want to know the details. They would only fuel my bad thoughts, which lately have been getting less and less frequent. Knowing why would hopefully help me/us avoid the same mistakes. It just seems like it would be a painful process, but also seems like one that would in the long run be beneficial to the R. Just wondering if anyone out there had an opinion/experience/idea. Thank you.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers ~

[kml]

You are making the pretty big ASSumption that he KNOWS why he did it! LOL!!!

Maybe a better tack to take is simply to start talking about what directions you both would like your new R to be going. You know the answer to why the affair started - because isn't it the same for almost every spouse here? He got depressed and/or freaked out about growing older, the OP was available (and/or scheming and manipulative), and the WAS was feeling unloved and unappreciated at home. The excitement of the affair gave them a dopamine rush that temporarily relieved their depression or anxiety and they mistook it for love. Same old same old story - you'd THINK people would be more imaginative, wouldn't you???

Ellie

[Jamesjohn]

Hi Mockers2!

Maybe a better tack to take is simply to start talking about what directions you both would like your new R to be going.

I'm in agreement with kml here. Sometimes, rehashing the past "stuff", the reasons "why", keeps the thoughts and memories of the A alive. We want that bugger dead, cremated, and ashes scattered to the wind!

It's usually much better to move forward, and keep doing the "what works" to keep things going in the right direction, so it doesn't happen again. Communication is key, so that you are BOTH able to ask for what you want.

I, too, don't want to know all the details. I know more than I want to already.

Also, as kml says too, it would be the same old same old story. He's probably not even sure exactly why! It's rarely ever any one big thing.

I think that it was in the KLA tapes where Michele quoted someone as saying, "If you don't have an affair with your partner, someone else will". Concentrate on having an affair with him, and eventually the thoughts of the "why's" will become clearer, and less important, to you.

JMHO!!

[Dagny]

Hi Mockers!

Things sound wonderful here.

I agree with Ellie and JJ, I don't know if they really know what triggered eveything that occurred and could put it to words, and chances are they wouldn't ever say what we wanted to hear and could possibly just be an exercise in frustration for both parties.

So many good signs, the house, your forgiveness (which is such a hard thing to do!), I think it is going to be a wonderful summer for you.

Enjoy! You have earned it!

Jackie

[kml]

Jackie -
where you been, girlfriend?? Start a new thread already, will you?

Ellie

[holdingon]

Happy Mother's Day, Mockers!

[mockers2]

Thank you Ellie, JJ, Jackie and Holdingon -

It is a relief to hear that not digging through to find out why the affair happened seems reasonable to someone other than me. It certainly wasn't something I was looking forward to doing, and there never seemd to be a right time to bring it up - why bring up the pain when we're having a good day together?

Been off the bb for a while due to work - it has been nuts. Still so far behind, but I wanted to stop in for some inspiration. You are all so amazing and wonderful. I miss you when I can't read and post.

Update: Things are going well. We are starting to work on our new house to get ready to move. H and I seem to be doing well together on most days.

Positives:
1. Asked H to rank our M on a scale of 1-10 and he gave it a 9!!!!!!!! He said that there is always room to keep working and growing! What an amazing blessing!
2. We got into a situation yesterday that previously would have really stressed me out and made H really angry - instead, we individually chose to deal with the situation with laughter - a huge step for both of us!
3. We have continued to go to mass together as a family, and this weekend, I was brave and took the children on my own. They did a great job. Sounds silly, but this is a big deal to me.
4. A situation came up in which H wanted to go out with a male friend on a night when I was clearly burned out. He asked me to be honest, and tell him if another night would be better, and said that I come first! Because my not being supportive of him spending time with his friends was one of his main criticisms of me at the time of the bomb, I was not honest, and told him to go out. Then came the resentment and anger (can't he tell I need a break, and that tonight isn't a good night?), but I was able to identify this before I said anything to H, and talk to him calmly about my thoughts and reason for not being honest. We had a good, calm conversation about this issue, with good listening and seeing things from the other's point of view. Now I know that being honest is ok, and important to H. (Sounds ridiculous to read this, but this is something I have really been afraid to do on some occasions.) It was also a reminder to me that I need to ask for what I need. It seems that maybe I am really learning some things, even if it takes me a while.
5. H and I had a good conversation about some child-related issues, brainstorming together.

Goals:
1. To get better about taking time to myself. I'm a better mom and wife when I have breaks.
2. To continue to pray, pray, pray. (Specific areas: forgiveness, fear, anxiety about being away from the children and H.)
3. To forgive myself too.
4. To laugh more, frown less.
5. Continue to stop myself before I yell or raise my voice with the children. The next step is to begin changing my tone of voice to a more pleasant tone - continue to prune sarcasm. (I'm really not a creep all the time, but I need work in this area. I hear that it's normal, but I know with God's help I can do better.)

Thinking of you and saying prayers~

[mockers2]

Trying again to link my previous thread in order to review my goals. We'll see if it works! letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Positives:
1. Our weekend on our own went well. Although we missed the children, we did have a good time with just us two.
2. H continues to be physically affectionate.
3. Working on our new house and yard together has been fun. We have also been sharing goals and dreams for our future. Amazing.

Keeping you in my prayers.