Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Update and some positives:

Things have been going well. Still battling the fear at times, but I realize that even this is getting better little by little. Work has been crazy, which keeps my mind off the creepies, but h and I have also been planning and making some decisions for our future, which feels really solid and good.

I have also been given some insight (thank you, God) into how I may have increased the stress in the pro-bomb period. Basically, I felt alot of resentment pre-bomb towards h with regards to child care and also to me not having any time to myself. I have come to realize recently that I never asked for help with the children (until I had really had it) or made a plan for something I wanted to do and talked to h about it. Good grief! And it took me how long to see this? This also gives me some insight into how I may have come across to h as controlling and resentful.

Need to work on asking for what I need and want.


I also have been given the gift of seeing my h with empathy in the last week or so. I have really been able to see his pain - currently and pain from the past. This has happened before, but this time it even extended into my thinking about h leaving, which is new - maybe a baby step in the forgiveness department. God is good, certainly.

Positives:
1. h and I just keep laughing (know I keep listing this one, but I think it's key.)
2. We had a disagreement about how I was handling something - I was able to do a fairly good job of saying to h that I neede him to be empathetic, and then be quiet. No voice raising, etc. H apologized and said he didn't want our different ways of handling things to interfere with our r. Amazing! small steps, I guess, but they feel huge.
3. date planned for next week.
4. I was sick last week and h took very good care of me - very considerate and thoughtful.
5. Thoughts of op are less and less frequent. I'm finding myself thinking of other things without so much effort to redirect my thoughts.

I have identified another one of my issues - the idea (stolen from Ellie's thread) of athletic companionship. I'll have to write more on this later.

Hope you are all having a good day. Take care - you are in my prayers.

[kml]

Basically, I felt alot of resentment pre-bomb towards h with regards to child care and also to me not having any time to myself. I have come to realize recently that I never asked for help with the children (until I had really had it) or made a plan for something I wanted to do and talked to h about it. Good grief!

Boy - can I relate to this one!
When my kids were smaller, I was awfully good at letting my H go and do his thing - but then resented that I felt so burdened with all the responsibilities. It was only later that I realized that I had had a totally unrealistic expectation that he was going to read my mind, come to me and say "here honey, I packed your gym bag, let me take the kids and you go ahead and take the morning off to go to the gym or whatever".

What HE saw was that I wasn't making any plans for myself, so he might as well go ahead and do his things. I resented him for not leaving room for me to do my things, but the truth was, I wasn't TAKING the time and space for my things - he would have given it to me if I'd asked.

As for the athletic companionship issue - the marriagebuilders.com site has some stuff on this issue, I think.

As for the evenings out - I used to skip my H's business trips - too much money, too hard to leave the kids, he'd be working anyway - BIG mistake. Now I go with whenever I can.

Work on being confident, get a makeover, be a goddess - and go out WITH him whenever possible - he'll be proud to have you on your arm if you carry yourself like an attractive, confident woman.

Ellie

[nitaf]

Everytime I do something different or new, he says I am proud of you! He is a very confused and strange dude!

[mockers2]

Thank you, Ellie. I will look up the marriage builders site - I've read about it in several threads here.

It's amazing that it took me this long and going through a separation, etc. to see how I contributed. I am thankful for this insight, though, and plan to use it now to work on my communication skills.

Taking time for myself has been an issue b/c I work full time. I know now that I am a better mommy and wife when I have breaks, but I feel so torn at times leaving the children. I see them so little, and when I am with them, it's "let's get into the tub; time for brushing teeth, bedtime....etc.." I have always felt a bit guilty, and have missed the children when I've taken time to myself. Feel like I don't want to miss anything, they are growing up so quickly. Also, we have had limited family time b/c of work schedules, etc., so I hesitated to go off on my own when we had time to spend together. H seems not to have this same problem. And I know, it's all in the balance. H and I are discussing/have discussed this isssue, and are working on it, with some progress. Now, I just need to work on my own attitude. Part of this is a result of me being axious about things in general - this has always been the case, but has worsened since we had children (an exageration of the normal repsonse?)Or maybe I have generalized anxiety disorder.

The athletic companionship issue is somewhat related to my self image/low self-esteem. I've just never considered myself to be athletic. I played soccer in middle school, but in HS, my efforts were channeled more into academics/yearbook/school representative. I have done weight training in the past (loved this - was in a class when hand I met), and ran briefly in college (very briefly ). When h and I started seeing each other, we walked 3.5 miles every morning. I know some sort of exercise would benefit me in alot of ways - physically, psychologically, and would be a great example for the children (mommy takes care of herself too). I just feel at times that I'm trying to be something I'm not. No, I don't have to be a triathlete in order to get some exercise. H is very athletic. Triathalons, etc. The one time I saw h with someone during the separation - a girl I think was probably the former op - they were cycling. I guess I've always felt inferior in this respect. He runs, with me, he walks. So, I don't measure up to his abilities like other women do.

This all came up again (came to the surface of the swirling thoughts) this past weekend. One of my best friends from school is also very athletic. She was in town for a duathelon (sp?)- a run-bike-run. She is obsessive about exercise. She also is single with no children. She and h could talk about bikes, etc., and I have no clue about any of that. I wasn't jealous, I just feel that this is one area in which h and I could really connect if I were more like him. I also realized how much of an issue this is for me b/c I felt uneasy thinking of going to the race and being the only one who's never been in a race.

Don't think I'm explaining myself well at all.

This probably isn't as much of an issue to h as it is to me. I just think a 180 in this area would bring us closer in another way. But doing something just to bring us closer isn't the right reason - I need to become more active for me. And the more active me would be more attractive to h - I know it. I just don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Ellie - were you very athletic before you climbed Mt. Whitney?


Ideas for physical activity for me:
weight training (we have a weight set in the garage)
rollerblading
walking
hiking
martial arts (Jackie )
yoga
aerobics


Nitaf, You are right - they do like seeing us try new and different things! Hope you are doing well.

[kml]

Ellie - were you very athletic before you climbed Mt. Whitney?

like you, I never considered myself very athletic. Riding my bike to the beach to go tanning was pretty much the extent of my high school athletics. Nothing much in college. In grad school joined a gym with roommate and did aerobic classes.

In medical school I decided to be more adventurous and learned to windsurf some. Then I met my H, and he took me hiking and tried to teach me to ski once or twice. Extreme lack of time and money pretty much limited our excursions at that time, though, and in the meantime, I gave up going to the gym because it seemed like H resented the time being taken away from him.

Later, my problems with my overactive thyroid limited me - we had just started some rock climbing together - not a good sport when you are really shakey

Did some weight-training and walking over the years - neither of which H will do with me. And learned to ski at 35 when the kids started, but never got better than mediocre.

Ironically, when I think about it, most people would consider me reasonably athletic. Most of MY friends and family, at least It's only in comparison to the extreme athleticism of my h and his family that I suffer.

I'd say, start working out doing something you love first (check out the www.bodyforlife.com site for a great weight-training program). If H doesn't join you in that, then start looking for activities that you could share together. Hiking is nice because it's not competitive, the scenery is great, and women tend to have good lower body strength that helps.

I know that it really meant a lot to H to see me training for and working towards my goal of climbing Mt. Whitney. Maybe if you started the 12 week BFL challenge he would get excited about you taking on that challenge? Maybe you could even ask him to coach you through it?

Ellie

[mockers2]

Thank you, Ellie - as always great suggestions!

[mockers2]

Forgot to post my positives!
1. H brought up our date next week, including his idea for what to do, and when. Taking the initiative to talk about the details is something new for h.
2. In conversations, h is really making a point to not interrupt. (Me too.)
3. We've been discussing finances/future plans. The conversations are going well.
4. H said he thinks I'm terriffic!(this was in response to me telling him he's terriffic, but it's still good!)

Hope you all have a good weekend. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

[mockers2]

Time for an update~

Had to think this one over a bit, as I feel it's really significant.....A few days ago, it became necessary for h and I to talk to another person about the separation (long story, not important). It really caught me off guard, but I got tearful and had to tell h that I didn't think I'd be able to talk about it right then w/o crying. H handled it, and I went to another part of the house, got busy with something, and pulled myself together. My plan was to act as if I was fine, and keep going. H came to me with a look on his face that broke my heart. He hugged me tightly, for a long time and said "I'm sorry." There, now - I've heard the words. And how did I feel? I felt the pain my h was feeling. It didn't make me feel better. It just showed me - in words - what my h has been "saying" since he came home. That he is truly sorry for the pain he caused, and that he is still hurting about it all too. It seemed that he's sad for what we missed with each other and with the children. It sounds strange, but it was like God opened up a little window, so I could see inside my h - inside to the vulnerable part, the hurting part.

I have had several glimpses like this of my h in the last few weeks. Truly, they are gifts from God.

This realization says to me, "Let it go. Move on. Forgive him." I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but this showed me that part of me still wanted to hear him say how sorry he is. Punishing him, in a way. Putting distance between us. Holding him at arms length.

Now I have the goal of really forgiving him./i] How to do this?
1. Each day, when I wake up, make the decision to forgive him and live as if he's forgiven. (Stop the scenarios in my head about how I've been hurt. Fantasies about confronting the OW, etc.)
2. Redirect my thoughts when the "how could he have done this to me" thoughts come up.
3. Live each day as a gift - because that's what they are - smile, laugh, see the joy in our everyday days.
4. Pray, pray, pray about the fears and my fearful nature in general - this is a decision too.


We saw The Passion of the Christ the other day - what an inspiration to me to forgive the others who hurt me - last year and before. Got alot of work to do and a long way to go, but I see these glimpses as gifts and baby steps, for which I am very grateful.

Positives:
1. We may go to Easter vigil!!!!What a tremendous answer to prayer.
2. Got into a disagrrement this am - I was able to use "I" statements without thinking about it quite so hard.
3. Our date went well.
4. A project h and I have been working on seems to be coming together.

Thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers.

[mockers2]

Positives:
1. We had a really good Easter weekend. The most amazing thing - we went to mass!!!!!! This is something we haven't done together as a family in probably close to two years! H is also talking about joining a new parish. An incredible answer to prayer!
2. H talks more and more about our future plans.
3. We were able to laugh ourselves out of a disagreement this weekend.
4. I've been able to bite my tongue and hold something in - usually a sarcastic comment made in haste - several times, with good results.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers ~

[mockers2]

Hi - Been away form the bb for a little while. Each time I read posts, I see how much I learn form all of you. Reading keeps me motivated and thinking positive, and also helps me stay focused. Thank you all for sharing with me - you are all so incredible and courageous.

I continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Positives:
1. We have decided to join a new parish!!!!! This is so exciting and amazing to me, since h was questioning everything, including his religious beliefs at the time of the bomb. We have gone to mass twice in the last few weeks as a family.
2. We bought a house - one of our goals for a while. It is so good to see h feel a sense of accomplishment, and it feels good to be planning somehting together for our future.
3. God is making some headway in my heart in forgiving the op and our former priest who betrayed us.

Thank you again, for all you share with me. You continue to give me strength daily.