Forgetting those things which are behind......

[kml]

Another thing to work on - I am finding myself feeling frustrated that H and I have so little time to talk to each other. We are doing well with the date nigths, but on most other nights, we are both so tired that wejust go straight to bed - not very exciting. Need to brainstorm on this.

I'm finding that emails and text messages during the day help my H to feel connected to me even when we are both very busy.

Ellie

[mockers2]

Thanks Ellie - that's a great suggestion! I hope that you and your family are doing well.

[mockers2]

Well, I can see some more old patterns - H has had a rough day dealing with family issues and wants to go for a beer tonight. I have remained ok I think, but feel those same feelings and fears creeping up - will he stay out late, is he drifting away again. I don't want the stress of this time after his father's death to push him over the edge again.

Going to try and present an upbeat attitude, and be supportive, but I'm wondering if it's OK to say I don't want us to drift apart again????? Guess I'll just see how he seems, see if it would be a good time to discuss this - or maybe I'll sleep on it tonight and talk tomorrow???? I hate feeling the fears returning!

[Dagny]

Hi Twin!

I think we are going through some of the same things, possibly a normal by product of piecing?

What could he do about going out for a beer that would make you feel better? Knowing where he is, who he is with, when he'll be home, etc.? If you are able to pin point what you need to feel secure then you can let him know in a non-accusatory way: I'm glad you are going out with your friends, but if you could...., it would greatly help me, I'm still getting used to us being us again. Do you think that would help? Is he okay about giving you reassurances? Or does it annoy him? If it annoys him, ignore my advice!

I understand about the evening and falling asleep thing. At least you are wise enough to get out on your own, I'm a slow learner there. Does he like to sit and talk at night? What can the two of you do to relax together or just hang out? H has been working the 14 hour days here, so I'm stuggling with this too. And it is something the T keeps telling us, we need to build it in to our weekly schedule, couple time. When you go out just the two of you, it sounds like you reconnect, do you get to do it weekly?

Enjoy the weekend off together. And tulips! I'm jealous. I'm looking at snow and 4-6" more tomorrow. Ugh!

Jackie

[mockers2]

Yes, Jackie - we do seem like twins at times! I think you're right that it is a normal process of piecing. Your suggestion was excellent - I should have used it! Instead, I allowed the fears that came up (because it all felt so much like pre-bomb behavior and patterns) to govern my response, and almost really screwed up.

I acted fine until it came time for H to leave - then I asked him how late he thought he'd be out. (The friend he was meeting lives out of town, so I knew he wouldn't be able to stay out late at all.) H said he was planning on meeting that friend, then one of his other friends (who gets off work at around 8:30 pm), and that then he might meet some people from work, so he wasn't sure how long he'd be out. This made me angry and I said some things I shouldn't have said - "When I go out, you know when I'll be home. I don't stay out until 2 or 4 AM and not call you.I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to call me and let me know you're OK. You're a husband and a father, and I don't think I'm asking too much of you to call and give me an idea that you are alright.) I know, I know, I know - I sounded like a mother talking to a teenage boy. Not exactly my goal. H then said, "do you not want me to go?" Me: Yes I want you to go, I'd just appreciate you calling me and letting me know you're OK. I also told him that he seemed angry with me just asking for him to call me and that alot of the time, I'm afraid to ask or say what's on my mind. H said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." (This last bit is true, but not the right time or the right way to bring it up.)

H was also angry because I said some of this in front of the children - they aren't old enough to understand "Go in the other room, so Daddy and I can talk for a minute."

So, I didn't do a great job at all, but at least I didn't say:
* It is ridiculous that an almost forty year old man is going out for drinks with a bunch of single or divorced people from work - most of them female.
*I don't treat you like this.
*I have never put you in this situation.
*Is she going?
*This is how you were acting before you left - are you planning on leaving again?
*Who's going to be there?

Yeah, I did well not saying any of that. So, maybe there has been some progress after all. I also didn't raise my voice, which is a step in the right direction too.

After H left, I cried and cried (poor kids ), so scared that he'd say, "see, you're not different." And leave, or be so angry at me that he'd stay out all night and do something crazy. Well, none of that happened.

H called me three times, once after my father called him b/c I had called them crying (said I was missing my FIL, which was true as well), and he was worried about me, and twice on his own. I acted fine all three times, and didn't ask any questions. He didn't stay out too late, and that night and the next morning, things were fine.

So, we can rewrite our old patterns, it will just take alot of prayer, self control and concentration.

I guess, Jackie, it would make me feel better for him to say "I'll be in around _____.", and to call me every so often and let me know he's OK. I guess deep down it would make me feel better to know that the former OP wasn't going to be there, but I certainly don't feel comfortable bringing her up - it still makes me physically sick, and H and I haven't discussed her directly in almost a year.

What you posted sounds great - very reasonable and describes accurately how I feel. I'm not sure about the reassurances - sometimes H seems to understand, but in other situations, he seems annoyed that I need them - kind of the attitude that, "I'm here, what more reassurance could you posssibly need?" Which, in a way, makes sense.

The evenings are tough on some days - I have been exhausted for som reason, and H has been tired too, but on nights when we have more energy, we might watch a movie together (this is a treat, b/c we watch no TV), or sit and read books together. We also sit and talk alot, make plans, run ideas by each other.

You are alos right that we reconnect on our date nights - we can't do it every week, but have established the goal of every two weeks, and have been doing a pretty good job with that. It is tough to build in couple time - especially with two small children, and when money is tight. Have you checked out the date night ideas on the flylady website? There are alot of good ideas for in home (after the kids are asleep) and inexpensive dates.

On the up side, we had a great weekend. Lots of good family time, and a little couple time - children asleep in the car .

Just need to stay focused on the posisitve, and keep praying. Also, I need to keep reminding myself that my H just lost his father and is still dealing with this grief. Need to try and see him with empathy again - this is something that has always helped.

Thank you for your post, Jackie. Hoping to get caught up with you today.

Positives:
1. H and I reworked one of our old patterns, with a good outcome. A friend I called in panic reminded me of the idea that if I change my behavior, H may respond differently, and that things can be different this time.
2. H complimented me on my figure .
3. More and more and more laughing.


Hang in there, everyone. You continue to be in my prayers.

[kml]

So why don't you get a sitter and go out with him when he goes out with these people from work? I'm fine with my h going out for an evening with his male buddies, but if there are women involved, you'd better bet I expect to be included!!!!

Ellie

[mockers2]

Short notice was part of it the other night. But H has always gone out some - not very often - with his friends. Sometimes this is just guys - like the two guys I mentioned above, but sometimes, b/c of the nature of H's work, there are women who go too. In the past, when H went out with a group, I was invited, but often couldn't go b/c of school or work.

This has been an issue for H and me in the past. I would be wishing I could go, and missing H. H saw it as me being jealous of his female friends. I also have had low self esteem and felt I wasn't as interesting as his friends, which H couldn't understand at all - adding frustration.

I guess saying I'd like to go too, when he's going out with a group like that would be a 180 - I just wouldn't want H to see it as me being controlling or not trusting him. Also, sitting in a smokey bar for several hours doesn't sound like that much fun to me any more.

I wouldn't want to invite myself along when he's with just the guys, as I see this as time for him to talk with his friends about his father, and whatever else.

I just want H to feel he can have time with his friends like I do, although it is a bit different - I go to a girl's night out group once a month - all but one married with children - and we eat at each other's houses. A little different from going out with guys and girls - most of them single, twenty-somethings. See my delimma?

[mockers2]

Here are the words to a song H shared with me - I thought you might enjoy it ~


The more I'm looking,
The less I find,
The less I find
Peace of mind.

The more I struggle,
The less I feel,
The less I feel free.

The more I know you,
The more I see, and
The more I know me.

For what a story we made.
Each day another revelation.
What a story we made,
Come, let's fill our hearts with jubilation.

The more I open,
The more I love,
The less I fear.

For each day we're given,
I thank God,
I thank God that we're here.

Cause what a story we made.
Each day another tribulation.
What a story we made.
Come let's quench our thirst in the waters of creation.

Forest Sun

[Dagny]

Hi Mockers!

I'm not sure about the reassurances - sometimes H seems to understand, but in other situations, he seems annoyed that I need them - kind of the attitude that, "I'm here, what more reassurance could you posssibly need?" Which, in a way, makes sense.

That is my H's attitude as well. I said something to him about me being so needy recently, and he said that is alright, which of course, confirms that I'm being needs. When we were S, I was Miss Independent and now I've turned back into this needy person needing him to tell me he is back for good. I'm sure some is natural, but I think it is time for me to trust him and just let it all go. I survived without him, I won't die. Time to relearn what I did well during S! Think I'm journaling on your thread, but we seem to be going through the same stuff.

I know your H loved how strong you were while you guys were S. Do you feel yourself slipping from that person? And I bet you are twice as interesting as the bar-flies that go to the beer nights!

H told me last week that what he says he means. I guess it is time to take them at their word and just let it go.

There seem so many positives in your world, I'm glad you are doing the date nights. I need to check out the flylady for "in house" date nights. Start being creative.

Keep focusing on the positives and I hope you are saying thank you when he is complementing your figure!

Jackie

[mockers2]

Thank you, Jackie for your post. You are right, we are going through so much of the same stuff!!!!!! Maybe we could plan a double date - your h and my h saound very similar in some ways too. Got to go to a meeting, but want to update this afternoon. Take care, and keep up the good work!!!! Glad to see you back!!! And, yes, I say thank you when he comliments my figure - or anything else. An improvement over rolling my eyes in response to compliments in the past!