Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Hi - work has me completely snowed under. Thinking of all of you and keeping you in my prayers.

My thread looks funny to me - very wide, so that I have to use the cursor to read it - can anyone help?

A couple of positives:
1. H was having a tough time a few days ago dealing with his father's death - we were talking on the phone and something about his tone of voice triggered fear in me - as it sounded like he did on the night of the bomb. I asked if there was anything wrong as far as we were concerned. He said. "No! We're great!"
2. Yesterday, H again having a hard time - frustrating morning with the children. His behavior again seemed like bomb behavior, so I got scared. I was tearful as we got into the car - H asked what was wrong, showing real concern instead of irritation with me. I bit the bullet and was honest and told him that sometimes when he is like this, I feel afraid. H was very kind and reassuring and said that he has never been happier. What a tremendous answer to prayer.
3. H and I working together on paying the bills.

Thank you, Shay for stopping by. I want to catch up with you as soon as I can. Take care.

[Dagny]

Your thread comes up wide for me too, I wonder why that happens?

I like that you told him straight out what was bothering you and gave him the chance to reassure you! Seems like the quickest method to resolving these things might be to just state our feelings. Whenever H gets grumpy or quiet, I keep waiting for him to bolt again.

Is a move still a possiblitiy for you? How do you feel about that? From this end it sounds like things are going great for you! I'm glad.

Jackie

[mockers2]

Hi everyone - Thank you, Jackie. I know what you mean about waiting for him to bolt and feeling afraid when he is quiet. I think it will just take time to get out of that mode.

Having a yucky day today. I need some help with this one - probably need some 2x4's. Just feel like I need to get this out before I really screw things up.

Yesterday, H brought a latte up to my work. He had come back to look up his schedule (we work in the same place). It felt so good to feel like I was special, and to feel he was thinking of me. Everyone at work said how sweet he seemed over and over.

Well, this morning, when we took the children to school, the director came out and thanked H for bringing her a latte. I realize that this is no big deal at all, but I have let it hurt my feelings. Instead of seeing it as my H being thoughtful and kind, I am feeling like I am just one of the girls, that what he did for me wasn't that special after all. This woman has been having a very hard time, and it was a kind thing to do - I am embarrassed to even write this.

I guess I just felt cherished yesterday, and today, I don't feel so cherished after all.

I managed to act mostly like nothing was wrong, but I know my H could tell something was up when he dropped me off.I lied and said I was tired (I am, but that's not what's wrong). Good grief - I sound pathetic.

It's not that I mind that he got a latte for her too - I just want to feel like I'm special to him, and that he chooses me, wants to be with me, likes me best. My H would see it that I am being jealous, but this is not how I feel - I just feel less special than I did yesterday.

This is the kind of situation that was one of the main problems before the bomb. H seeing me as being jealous, and me just feeling like I wasn't good enough.

My plan is just to get myself together and act as if I'm fine this afternoon. To not mention it at all, as I am not sure we could discuss it without an argument.

I find myself, on days like this wondering if we've really made that much progress.


Thanks for letting me get this out. Off to dry my tears and get to work - I'm already running late. Sorry for such a down post.

[mockers2]

The other part about this whole thing that bothers me is that my H didn't tell me he took her a coffee. This makes me concerned that he is afraid to tell me because of how I would respond - another one of his complaints about me. The secrecy makes it harder for me to learn about. I think it would have been less of a deal if he had said to me that he took her one too. Of course none of this has probably crossed my H's mind at all - just mine, which doesn't seem to be in such good shape today.

[Dagny]

M--

You are going to drive yourself nuts with the assumptions!

First, I can understand exactly how you feel. He made a really nice gesture towards you, but then you find out it is the same gesture he makes towards other people, diminishes the specialness. However, as someone who understands, it is also irrational! Why do we think that just because they are kind to other people, we aren't the most special ones in their lives? Can't we accept that they enjoy being kind. Perhaps he brought you the latte, saw your reaction--pleased, happy, glad someone took time out for them and thought of this lady having a bad day/week/year and thought perhaps, based on your reaction, she would also like some kindness. M, I think so many of us here would have the same tune as you running through their heads and I wonder if it is because we are still a bit insecure in our new relationships. Because it seems a bit selfish of us to not want our H's to spread kindness to other people.

If you are correct that he didn't bring it up because he wasn't sure how you would react, chances are he was wise not to do so! He perhaps sees that you are still fragile in the security of your M and does not want to say anything that could tip the balance of happiness. I doubt it was a conscious choice, just some firing in the back of his brain, some type of instinct.

But, I think when we recognize we are being a bit irrational, that is the first step in figuring out why and solving it. How? No clue in the world! I know I'm completely irrational about my Ils and BIL and SIL, but don't know how to figure it out. And if poor H says one nice thing about them, my mind does tons of jumps and leaps to how he is thinking and doesn't care about me.

I think this is just another part in the struggle/journey towards peace and acceptance in ourselves and our partners. Be glad that he is a kind and caring man. Your children will see that and that is a model they will have in their life.

I hope some of this rambling made sense. No answers, just think you are human like the rest of us!

XOXO

Jackie

[nitaf]

When did your original thread start.How long did it take you to get this far? How long were you 2 separated?

[nitaf]

I have been separated for 3 months. I am obsessing over another woman and I don't even have any proof that there is one! I just feel that nothing but promise of something perfect is the only thing that would keep you from your family for so long.

[mockers2]

Thank you, Jackie - I can always count on your posts to help me see through the rough patches. I almost didn't post all of that - because I was afraid of how I would sound - completely nuts. That's just why I did it - to get out the crazies, so I could go on with the day. It's wierd - I could totally see how irrational the feelings were. That whole incident is teid to my lifelong feelings of low self esteem. This is something I thought I had made some progress with - obviously I need alot more work in thius area. It wasn't so much that I didn't want him to be nice to someone else - it just made me feel that I was less than special, which is a feeling I have had forever. This week has just been one during which I feel like I'm doing a bad job in every part of my life. (For the last two weeks work has been just awfully busy and stressful. This will change on Monday.The house is a mess, I've yelled at the children.....Inside I feel like there's no room at all for any more stress - I've also been very tired - I even slept through a page last night - which I've never done before.) Everyone says this isn't true, and when I come out of my fog enough to think clearly, I see that it's not true - the feelings are just so hard to shake. I have wondered if being off OCP's is making me more emotional in general - I don't know? My other thought was that maybe I'm depressed - but why would I be depressed at this point? Ellie - are you out there?

I am actually proud of H that he is so kind - this is one of the things I was most attracted to initially and one of the traits in H that reminds me of his father (who I've really been missing so much lately), which is a good thing.

Things are better today, although I think I've lost the keys to the car!

Nitaf - thank you for your post. I joined the board in 4/03. My threads have disappeared, but you can get to them by way of a link at the beginning of this thread. My H and I were separated form 2/03 until mid October of '03. We had started to reconcile in 7/03, but H worked out of town for three months, so didn't move back home or give up his other house until 10/03. So, I guess about 5 months of separation because of the R and three months b/c of H's job. If he hadn't gone out of town, I'm not sure when he would've moved back in.

As hard as it is, try not to obsess about an OP. I want to read your thread - hopefully I will be able to in the next day or so. Hang in there.

[grislen]

M,

Hang in there. I have been reading your post and it just seems likeyou have done some of what all of us LBS do regress a little and start wondering all over again if they are having the A or what not. My only advice is to realize what you are doing and get back on the horse and do what you know you need to do to get going in the right direction. Take some time out for yourself and get refocused.

Lee

[mockers2]

Hi Lee - thank you for posting. You're right, I just needed to see what I was doing and redirect myself emotionally. It is tough to do that at times, but easier in some ways after reading DR. I'm glad to hear things are going better in your life. Terriffic job on using your W's LL - good to be seeing some positive results of all your efforts! Hang in there, too. You have come a long way!

Lately I've been letting myself focus on some of the hurtful things that have happened in the last year - not things related to H or the separation, but things others have done. This is really interfering greatly with my ability to forgive, so I must work on this and keep praying. I have decided that I am not capable of forgiving some of God can do it for me. I am planning to write a letter to a man who betrayed our trust in the post bomb period (we thought he was a friend, but obviously he was not). One of those "I may never mail it" letters, just to get the feelings out. Maybe that will help.


Positives:
1. Tha tulips we (H, the children and I) planted together are coming up - a few each day! Everyone seems excited. This is one area I am pleased with - I actually see some progress here - that we are accomplishing one of our goals. H seems proud too. It is good to see him smile.
2. H and I had another good date this week - alot of laughing.
3. We have the weekend off together - neither of us work for the first time in several weeks.

Another thing to work on - I am finding myself feeling frustrated that H and I have so little time to talk to each other. We are doing well with the date nigths, but on most other nights, we are both so tired that wejust go straight to bed - not very exciting. Need to brainstorm on this.

Take care, everyone. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your encouragement.