Forgetting those things which are behind......

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Hey Mockers!

Great post!

I understand what you mean about wondering why husband chose me.

This is a challenge for me..but the stuff you listed is what has worked for me in the past.

As for the forgiveness part...I'm still doing it everyday. It's a concious effort. I did take Calystra's advice and tell him that I forgave him EVERYTHING. And after I made that statement, If either one of us brought up some old pain from the past, I'd say, "That's in the past, let's focus on the present."

hmm....I think it's time I get back to doing that again!

Hugs!

[KutieKat]

awesome reading mockers! it gives me a warm feeling that i could of played a small role in getting you motivated to post this

this is GREAT!!!

[mockers2]

Thanks for stopping by, PIB!

You are so right about forgiveness being a conscious effort. It reminds me of part of the marriage prep weekend we attended - they kept saying that "love is a choice." That you choose every day to love your spouse. I remeber thinking, "I'll never have to choose to love H." Man, was I wrong! There have definitely been times when I've felt that I had to choose to show him I love him (although I've always felt that the love is there.) Forgiveness seems somewhat the same to me - it's something I have to choose to do and pray about every day, or
it won't happen.

Something that has also been helping me is to pray for those who have hurt me - including OW and some others. This seems artificial to me right now, and I tell God this - he certainly knows the feelings I have for these people are not loving, but it's a start and seems to be helping.

Also, I left a few goals out:
8. (or whatever # is next )Help my children feel the unconditional love I have for them. Help them to feel that I am truly there for them no matter what. To feel safe with me.....
*Use humor to diffuse frustration with them and stop the yelling (I'm yelling less, but any is too much.)
*Act joyful with them even when I'm fighting "the creepies."
*Do not allow "the creepies" to steal my time with the children.


Thanks again PIB for your thoughts. I really appreciate you stopping by......

[mockers2]

Thanks Kitti - we posted at the same time . You, Holdingon and all the other terrific folks here inspire me every single day.

I'll post my list of ten goals as soon as I can.....

[sage]

Mockers...what a great post on your goals! I can definitely relate to needing to work on acting more confident in h's love, etc. I need to see how I can steal some of your goals/actions!

Sage

[mockers2]

Thank you sage for visiting ~ your threads have been inspiring me for a while now. I'm currently trying to read your early threads as well as keeping up with your current one. Please visit any time... You seem to be so grounded and to be making so much progress in your M. You have often "voiced" what I have been feeling with clarity and eloquence. I am honored that you stopped by to visit me....the ideas and encouragement on the bb are a source of strength for me every day.

I am so glad your holidays went well....

[grislen]

M,

I think you hit it right on the head. If you do the little things like taking care of yourself being confident it will help so much that you will have to take notice.

Lee

[holdingon]

Mockers,
Thanks for visiting my thread... and I am always so inspired by yours. I am really glad that you and your H are LAUGHING a lot lately... I think this is really awesome, and if we could ALL laugh more, maybe more of our sitchs would turn around quicker!

My H thought I thought I was always right, too. I think a lot of it is the way they view us, maybe some of it is that mother thing, and maybe some of it IS us wanting to be right, and maybe even controlling. Maybe you could ask Hs opinion more, and be there and really listen to him when he gives his opinion. Discuss things more, who knows.

I found myself not listening to my H... putting down a lot of his opinions and now, I know why. I was afraid that he was growing, learning new things and thought I was stagnating here at home. I should have shown an interest in his opinions and interests, and not been so fearful of his growing.. Maybe he would have let me grow along with him if I had, instead of leaving me. Who knows. Another lesson learned the hard way.

I would definitely try to have separate interests from your H, and keep the separate life you have worked so hard to have. Be confident... love him, but do your own thing, too. And I am not sure ML with him whenever he wants it IS a bad thing. But maybe you can spice this up, too... perhaps joining him in the shower, or someplace he would least expect it, who knows.

Saying you aren't confident strikes me as funny. You have put your M back together, by yourself. You held out hope, when he didn't. Honey, you SHOULD be confident.

[dragonflie]

Mockers...
your other questions 1,2,3, and losing myself in the M are feelings I have but don't know the answers to. I think I am supposed to hold back doubts and suspicions, and act confident and happy, pma, regardless. Not tell him how I feel, etc.

[mockers2]

Good morning, everybody ~

Lee, Holdingon and dragonflie - thank you for your posts. As I've said over and over, I appreciate the thoughts/opinions and advice I get here sooooooo much. You give me different ways to think about things, and new ideas. It also helps to hear that others have some of the same thoughts and feelings.

Lee - It's good to hear from a man's point of view. The confident attitude seems to be important to most men - at least in my reading and according to my H. If I can just keep my lists in the forefront of my thoughts, instead of buried under anxiety and creepie thoughts, I will be doing much better. Hope your day is going well. I am pulling for you and your W, and have hope for your M.

Holdingon ~ Thank you for your post - you have given me lots to think about.

My H thought I thought I was always right too. I think alot of it is the way they view us, maybe some of it is that mother thing(emphasis mine), and maybe some of it IS us wanting to be right, and maybe even controlling. Maybe you could ask Hs opinion more, and be there and really listen when he gives his opinion. Discuss things more, who knows.

This section describes something I'm really struggling with and brings up several issues:
1. What do you mean by "that mother thing"? This is something I have wondered about and I think I have an idea about what this means, but am not sure.
H does seem to be very sensitive when I make a suggestion regarding child care, even when I am just trying to help. We share alot of the child care - most of it really. Even during the separation, he came on most days to take them to school, and on some days to pick them up. We bathe them together, etc. I am the one who gets up when the kids wake up in the morning, while he sleeps in a bit. I guess your post made me wonder if I am giving him the message somehow that because I am with them more on my own than he is, that I know better how to do things????? I'll have to really watch what I say and how I say things. There are, afterall, thousands of ways to wash a kids hair, right? Maybe I should keep my big mouth shut and let him do things his way (which is what I've been doing since the hair washing incident.)

There seems to be a paradox here.....H is very proud of how I took care of the children while he was gone, and says he thinks I'm a good mother, but I shouldn't offer any unsolicited advice or suggestions about childcare.

2. I do tend to have a bit of a micromanager way of doing things at work. Maybe some of this comes across at home.

3. I am not sure about discussiong things right now - this is one of my main questions. There are things I feel I need clarification on, but in two instances H has said, "we've started over." or "we've discussed this already." As if we never need to talk about any of this stuff again. I haven't brought up this particular topic, and I don't remember us discussing this since a very heated talk just post-bomb (the one in which H told me how selfish I was, only thinking of my needs, that I think I'm always right, etc.)So, maybe this would be OK for us to talk about some more. (Could I possibly dessect this any further? )

I would definitely try to have separate interests from your H, and keep the separate life you have worked so hard to have. Be confident...love him, but do your own thing too.

You are right that this is key - my separateness is one of the things that brought H home. My ability to go and do things without him - both with the children and on my own. This is also a way to keep from losing myself in him and/or the M again. The tricky part is how to do this logistically. I go to a girl's night out each month, and am going out of town for a work meeting without him, so this is a start. Just need to have regular "me" time too. H and I have talked about this.

And I'm not sure ML with him whenever he wants it is a bad thing.

I need to clarify this some....I agree with you - I don't think it's a bad thing at all. Really, even when I'm tired, if he wants to ML, I say yes because I am usually wanting to ML too. I meant this more in the sense that H seems to feel comfortable saying doing what he wants/needs (not just sexually). If he is tired and would rather just go on to sleep, he says so. (I have wondered on some occasions if I am not attractive to H and this is why he is able to say no. And, yes, I have asked him, and H says, that I am attractive - he's just tired. I've also wondered while we are ML, is H thinking of her? Talk about creepies!!!!! )

Here's another example: Last night, the children were really resisting bedtime. H and I were both frustrated. H said at one point, "I've had enough." I said, "OK, I'll read the story." H was leaving the room and said, "I'll be eback." Me: "are you leaving the house?" H: no. Then he stomped around for a few minutes, then came back and was OK. I would be afraid to say and do what he did, for fear that I would seem angry/negative.

Maybe this is a result of me being a pleaser or maybe I'm afraid to assert myself. Maybe this is a Mars/Venus thing (need to finish that book)?

But maybe you can spice this up, too...perhaps join him in the shower or somepalce he would least expect it, who knows.

All good suggestions - I've tried a few already .




dragonflie ~

I think I am supposed to hold back doubts and suspicions, and act confident and happy, pma, regardless. Not tell him how I feel, etc.

Thank you ~ you described my feelings exactly. Anyone have any opinions on this?????

Update: Our date went well. Lots more laughing, good food and a couple of margaritas.

Positives:
1. Our date went well.
2. H shared something with me from a book he is reading.
3. Things seemed good this am, even after last night's rough patch.
4. I have been able to keep my mouth shut and my anger to myself more consistently.


One more question.....My h seems to enjoy looking at other women - like when we're out at the mall, etc. He has always done this to a certain extent. It's really not that big of a deal, but since the A, it bothers me more. Seems like something some guys just do, and probably no big deal, but it does hurt my feeling sometimes, and now, makes me wonder is he still looking around? Some replay still going on? I'm not saying that I don't notice men, too. I think everyone does this to a certain extent. But he seems to really look more than I do. Any thoughts?


Thank you, guys ~