My physician suggested that I should tell my wife about the effect her delay in discussing her A is having on me physically and emotionally. I think it would sound something like this:
I just thought you should know that I am under a physicians care for the stress caused by the events of last Sunday. I have been diagnosed with "adjustment disorder". This has manifested itself through insomnia and no appetite and extreme mood swings and tachacardia. These symptoms will persist until we can discuss your decision on your future plans.
Obviously, this would be putting pressure on her, but, how could I reword it so as to be less pressur'ish...
No, NO, and HELL NO.
Listen to Bond. You can lean on us, lean on friends, family, and/or God Himself, but DON'T lean on your wife in this. You need to show strength.
This is the only way you are going to start telling a difference in your feelings. I don't want you to give any excuses. We done heard all the ones where the kids are concerned.
So basically you are saying communicate to her by attitude... Like, "you aren't the boss of me"
Is that right Sandi2 ?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
How long would you suggest I give her to "think about things" (regarding her A) before I say enough is enough. If you stay, A is over, if you want to keep OM, you can leave.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
How long would you suggest I give her to "think about things" (regarding her A) before I say enough is enough. If you stay, A is over, if you want to keep OM, you can leave.
First of all, don't answer all of her messages if it's not necessary. Forget about the friendly banter. There is a time and place for it and now's not the time. Obviously your health is suffering because of it.
If she messages you, respond with "hey I can't talk right now, I'm out. I'll get back to you later." Then turn off the phone.
Show her you've moved on. Where is she living now?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She is living in the same house. She is not rude or anything like that, I try to be civil to her, but I can't look into her eyes. We are both keeping our distance from each other. I wait for a while if she emails during the day. I have been deliberately staying outside until bedtime, we sleep in separate rooms.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Go out to a U-Haul store and buy a bunch of boxes. Can't afford? Go get empty boxes somewhere.
Put the boxes in a place where she will see them.
Just plant the boxes and let em sit.
IF she asks, what the boxes are for, Calmly WITH Strength tell her "I don't know yet, but until I know I'm not living in an open marriage I'm preparing for the choice I'm going to have to make". Then walk away and do your normal thing. IF she pursues with questions, just say "I do not want to talk about this right now". Leave the house if you have to.
You want to do something differently Johnnie? Do this.
Let her wonder for a change what YOU are doing. I'm tired of seeing you in pain and focusing on the "what if's"; "what do I do" "why why why"; You want a reaction, follow the instructions above and keep acting "as if" nothing is wrong. You need to find empowerment. You need confidence Johnnie.
You need to reduce the mere quantity of what you always seem to suggest saying/writing to her. You tend to go on and on, saying much more than needs to be said.
You also have a way of condemning her with the things that you say, even when they are apologies from you for something you supposedly have done wrong.
Remember that your wife is not a student of yours. You should not be in the business of teaching her with your words. That is condescending and will never be received well.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thank Bill for your insight, I didn't see that. I suppose I have been talking to her in that manner because I have seen her go from a mature woman into an immature twenty something.
I am trying to cut down on my communication with her. I have also been removing myself when she comes into the room.
On the emotional side, I have decided to think of her as "someone else". Because she truly has changed so much in the last 1.5 years. I think that if I can picture her as an old ex girlfriend who was needy and clingy to me, then I can move forward. It will be tough though because with all, the weight she has lost, she looks DAMN GOOD.
Thanks again
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
