Yes. Absolutely. I will be doing all these things and more because they are for me. Not her. I like the new me, and I will be adjusuting to new behaviors as I grow.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
It's great that you spend time with your kids and all, but you need to start GAL away from the house and without your children. It's best to get all decked out and walk through the room your W is in at the moment, and tell her you're going out and don't know when you'll be home. She'll be mad, of course, and ask all the typical questions.....but you don't answer, just repeat what you said and get the heck out of there. Plan to be out past midnight, anyway.
This is the only way you are going to start telling a difference in your feelings. I don't want you to give any excuses. We done heard all the ones where the kids are concerned.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First off, I did have a Drs appointment and was diagnosed with something called "adjustment disorder". I will find out more about that at my psychotherapist visit tomorrow. In essence, i think it has to do with my ability to accept change. I was doing ok (not perfect) at DB, then in June 1 I was hit with letter bomb, after which I read DR. So really I have only been trying to cope with the letter bomb for 2 weeks b4 I was hit with, job loss on the 14th of June, and then Affair Bomb on July the 3rd. (yes people 3 bombs in 1 month) Yes I could have handled the situation better on July 3rd, but I was overwhelmed. I am proud of my self for not yelling, screaming or sobbing after that devastating news of her affair. Now... Have I learned a lot, absolutely, I have. Do I have more to learn, absolutely, will I get better at DR, with time yes.
When I ask a question it's because I don't get it. I am following the DR program against the advice of my physician. He told me that letting my wife delay making a decision on the future of her affair, is affecting my health. However, even though I think it would be vital for me to set my boundaries with her(end the affair, or find a new place to live) I am not doing that, because it would put pressure on her to make a decision. You know the other side of the coin is I could ask for the decision and if she took the option to leave, she would have time to experience a life, that is very different to the one she has now. Statistics prove that greater than 90% of affair relationships where a married partner leaves the marriage for the affair partner end In Failure. it's been said here in the stories of successes that, in many cases once the unfaithful spouse has experienced their exciting new life, they realize that the grass really is not greener on the other side, and many come back to their spouse.
So, whats the point of all of this?
1. Confidence = very little right now, I am adjusting it's been a brutal month.
Changes = made em, I'm pretty happy with who I am.
Who was Johnnie b4 I was married? = an immature, selfish, arrogant kid.
Who is Johnnie now? = a mature loving, civic minded, father, a supportive, hard working, respondsable and loving Husband, a mentoring, punctual, top 3% quartile employee. The list goes on. I am proud of myself. Did I lose my way at being the perfect husband... Obviously, but that can't be undone, only improved upon going forward.
2. What faults of mine contributed to my marriage breakdown?
Temper (I'm European you know), selfish (I like to get my way). Controlling (didn't let my wife buy everything she wanted all the time), Frugal (money's tight when you have 3 kids and 1.5 incomes) Poor communicator with my wife (I talk all day long, when I get home I didn't talk because I was tired of talking) (She needed to talk to adults, because she was stuck with kids all day). I realize that now. Lazy (I was raised in a house where my mother took care of the household chores) Impatient Father (I expect discipline from my children, something most parents don't do enough of with their kids, have noticed how disrespectful some kids are? Mine aren't.
Who is Johnnie now? All of the above traits have been addressed and improved greatly since February, still a work in progress on frugal though I want to have the house paid off 10 year early so that my wife and I could travel while we were still fairly young.
3. What do I want:
I want to be an excellent, loving and supportive father and husband, I want to be the best in class in my job performance. I want to be the man others look up to as a role model. I want to travel and really experience other cultures. I want the highest attended funeral, when that day comes. I believe in treating others the way you yourself would like to be treated, I teach that to my kids, and that means I have to live up to that to set an example. Like I said before, I may have lost my way from time to time, but I'm getting better.
4. GAL. I have a life. Exactly the life I loved, then slowly over time, the other half of that life pulled away, until one day she vocalized it, and when she did and I could see it, she was done. I wish we would have communicated better so that this never happened, my life has sucked ever since. Yes I gave her too much power in my life over my happiness, quite simply, I saw that as love.
In marriage Most days I feel like I'm running throughout the forest with a blindfold... I've hit my share of trees, I just wish somebody would help me take that blinfold off. That blindfold is communication, her addiction to her crack berry texting, my willingness to talk only on commercials has significantly stunted our cerebral connection, so, that will be my first area of focus should I ever get the chance.
I'm starting right now.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I don't think that would even phase her. Truthfully, she shows no signs of caring what I do. I have been GAL and nothing.
Maybe I just need to do that more. I need to buy new clothes though all the old ones are too big. I've lost 41 lbs since Feb. I have to be careful until I secure my financial future with a new job.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
My physician suggested that I should tell my wife about the effect her delay in discussing her A is having on me physically and emotionally. I think it would sound something like this:
I just thought you should know that I am under a physicians care for the stress caused by the events of last Sunday. I have been diagnosed with "adjustment disorder". This has manifested itself through insomnia and no appetite and extreme mood swings and tachacardia. These symptoms will persist until we can discuss your decision on your future plans.
Obviously, this would be putting pressure on her, but, how could I reword it so as to be less pressur'ish...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Yeah I have a better way to reword it...don't say anything at all.
It's not putting pressure on her. It's making you sound like a wuss and a child to put it mildly. Just a 2x4.
I understand your need to get things out there, but telling your W isn't the way to do it. Think about it this way...if there were a woman that was interested in you and all she did was talk about how her health was deteriorating because of her love for you, would that make you want to go out with her or move away from her?
First things first. You've got to break this codependency you have with her. You don't need her to live a healthy life. Sure it's not ideal, but you don't need her. You didn't need her before you got married right? You have to get that back.
What is it about the OM that she is attracted to? Not saying you have to be like him, but you want to outdo him. You're already the better man for standing for your M. Now it's time for you to bring that to the surface.
Release the fear you have about your W and what her reaction or non-reaction will be. Start being the man instead of acting like it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
