Just got this email from my wife. "Hi Hope your monday goes well at (work) hell ;P So (son) has swimming mon to thursday this week everynight again....then he passes level 4! (pretty sure he will pass) And I have my course from 9-2PM friday and (Sister In Law) is taking (son) for me. I will do some groceries on thursday night, so if you need or want something let me know by then ok! Are you able to get (son) from sister in laws) or do you want me to see if she can drop him off to you when you get home friday night. I am camping for 2 nights and (somethingfest) concert and shopping in the states too. The next weekend you are prob working again and me and (son) are off to get the girls. Also good luck on wednesday with your interview. PS called (daughters) this AM and they are having fun off to the beach and kyacking too. Maybe call them when you get home from work as not to upset them right before bed."
This does remind me a little of that scene (was it a Woody Allen movie or maybe a George Carlin routine? I can't remember . . . ) where the guy goes into a convenience store, and wants to get a dirty magazine, but wants to be all nonchalant, and so he says to the clerk "I'll have some Tic-Tacs, and a 2-litre bottle of Coke, and some Advil, oh and that Penthouse right there, and some gum, and . . . "
So yeah, she's probably trying to finesse you Johnnie, but so what? You need to ask yourself "What did I just possibly learn right there, that I didn't already know??"
Have you ever seen the "You're already dead" scene, from "Band of Brothers?" Many around here have found that it's the best way to DB when dealing with the really painful stuff:
She is keeping me twisting in the wind... It's cruel.
It would be easier for me to protect my self and the kids if I told her to leave. Just give her her freedom. She may find that she doesent like that life and come back. Or she may be gone for good at that point, but at least, I will be able to heal and the toxic environment in the house will be gone for the kids, and we can move forward.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
The truth is Johnnie, if you were following the advice that most are giving you here, it is YOU who would soon be in the position of making a decision about what was going to happen next.
YOU.
Personally? I'm not sharing my house, let alone my life, with a woman who pledged her fidelity to me and yet is in the midst of a hot affair. If you're just confused and you need some time to think (without the red hot romance), that's one thing. If you're just stringing me along because it's nice to have a safe place to land at night...No Thanks.
But to get to that point, you have to be solid. You have to have done the work. You have to have put inthe time.
You're spending all your time lamenting the fact that your wife has had an affair and may very well be continuing it. You seem to have an almost obssessive need to talk about it (even though she's already confirmed it) and hash it out with her.
Are you thinking you're going to be able to shame her in to stopping it? Fat chance.
Are you think you're going to make her change her mind by verbalizing all the changes you are making right now? Fat Chance again.
There is absolutely NOTHING that you gain by allowing all your energy and all your focus to be wrapped up in what she is or isn't doing.
Your wife has had an affair. It probably continues even now.
That's a message to you Johnnie. It's a message that she trying something else out for now, because she's not happy with what she had before.
It might not even be you. As you've already mentioned, she's been burned out by doing the daycare life for too long. She's getting a little older. She's got a hot friend who is LIVING LIFE and she thought maybe she'd like some of that.
So she's getting it.
And you are paralyzed.
I would think you could at least get pissed off enough about what is taking place to force yourself to start LIVING YOUR OWN LIFE, even if it was just to spite her for what's she's done!
None of this stuff is winning her back. None of this stuff is attractive or enticing. If you're showing us this kind of stuff in your words, I can just imagine how you LOOK.
Time to man up before it's too late Johnnie.
This woman is NOT your life. She's your WIFE. You have shared a life together, but you've been doing your own breathing all along. You do NOT NEED her.
You can't win it back, if you never let it go.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Yep, it does. But the message of that sergeant in the movie is that ONLY BY ACTING LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD (divorced), can you POSSIBLY SAVE YOUR LIFE (marriage).
The thing is, that I would be doing the same thing as I do right now. Be a great father, spend time with friends, exercise, work movies, playing with my kids... What am I missing?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
The thing is, that I would be doing the same thing as I do right now. Be a great father, spend time with friends, exercise, work movies, playing with my kids... What am I missing?
What you're missing is, LETTING GO OF THE OUTCOME.
Would you still do those things that you list, if you knew for a FACT that they wouldn't be "rewarded" -- wouldn't result in a successful outcome, as you're currently defining it? (in other words, it wouldn't result in a reconciliation with your wife)
Would you still do them? If so, why, and if not, why not?
Johnnie Detaching is not the same as acting as if you're divorced. you don't need to divvy up the house to be detached.
again, slow down. breathe.
you keep saying you're confused and all over the place, and then follow this up by making life changing decisions of who gets the dog.
panic mode is the absolute worst time to make decisions. you're still in shock, you have such a long way to go.
detaching is purely emotional, has nothing to do with your furniture. nor is it about killing the love for your wife. nor is it about ending your marriage.
its the act of being strong enough that your situation cant break you emotionally.
Hermann Hesse wrote of the strength of water, no matter what you throw in its path, it continues flowing.
read other threads here, learn from them, offer them support. you've been here about a month and haven't commented on any other threads. these are people just like you, and can profit from you and you from them.
get out of your own head for a while, stop thinking only of your own situation.
and again, slow down.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I don't if this helps you, but they did to me. These 2 things helped me a lot during my darkest times.
1: Do NOT make any big changes in your life, finances, anything right now. Take it easy.
2: Consider this year as 'no-count-year'. Means that whatever bad happens for 1 year from now, in your memories it does NOT count. Treat them like they did not happen to you.
The second one helped me a lot. Lot of negative stuff happens during this time and as you start paying attention to each of them, they become unbearable. By saying to myself that whatever bad stuff happens this i'll treat it like it is not happening to me detaches the emotions a bit. See if they help you.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
You have got some great help here, esp the ones above.
Look I have been reading your thread from the start, and I must be honest, I don’t see a lot of moving forward by YOU.
Hell yes its hard, bl**dy hard, I know, I’m there also, as are many others. You need to take a deep breath, step back and look at where you are.
DETATCH, DETATCH, DETATCH
Again, Bl**dy hard, but you MUST DO IT, or work to it. As Yoda says, do or do not, there is not try
Let go of what you have no control over, you control YOU. Ask yourself these questions (these are some of the ones I asked myself)
1) Who is Johnie? What I mean by this is not the person you had became, not the person you were at the end of the marriage, and not the person you portray now, but who is the real Johnie, what wonderful traits did you have when you first met W, what makes you tick. Think who you really are. You are a lot more confident deep down aren’t you.
2) Acceptance (this is just the start of this one!) Recognise your faults, how you contributed to the failure of the marriage. Acknowledge them, accept them and own them. Learn from them, but don't dwell on them. Only then will you be able to forgive yourself and others and move forward.
3) What do you want? (Different to need, but some may be the same) You only get one chance at life, and most experts say one major f up/mistake. What do you want out of life? What makes you happy? Where do you want to be? What vision do you have for this? How will you get to this vision?
4) GAL How can you enjoy life, think of activities with your kids, on your own, with friends etc etc etc
You can do this, we are here to help you, but please please listen to others here who offer exceptional advise and a lot based from THEIR experiences of what works.
Yes, you don’t have to listen to any of it, but WTH would we all be doing here if we ignored stuff.
Do what works, do not do what does not work, like the books and good peps here say
Say to yourself over and over to start believing it, “no matter what happens I can handle it”
Come on Johnie
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
