I'm going to try to remember Starsky's wisdom about creating the best possible environment for my spouse on our vacation, and let the rest go. If there's a problem for me to solve, or if there's something I can do to enrich my W'sour stay, I'll do it. If I encounter nonconstructive complaining, in which there is nothing I can do, I'll have to leave her to her own misery, or tolerate it to the extent I'll have to (in the car). I'll hope for the best, and not expect perfection.
My W continued to share her doubts about the upcoming trip. I gave her the option of not going. I told her that if she thought there was less than a fair chance of having a good time, she should stay home. I would make the 700 mile drive by myself. She considered it for a bit, and decided she didn't want to miss out on a new experience. She said she would have to adjust her attitude. We are off on our trip. I'm glad she's coming, but would have made the trip without her.
She's fretting that there will be 12 people in a house, and that she won't have the freedom she has at home. She will have to adjust for 3-4 days. I let her decide if there were any dealbreakers for her. I couldn't decide for her.
This
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My W has asked me to put my arm around her at night, these past few nights.
And this
You were calm and unflappable and let her handle her own garbage. This reads like a much more calm and confident CL and look what resulted.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
My W continued to share her doubts about the upcoming trip. I gave her the option of not going. I told her that if she thought there was less than a fair chance of having a good time, she should stay home. I would make the 700 mile drive by myself. She considered it for a bit, and decided she didn't want to miss out on a new experience. She said she would have to adjust her attitude. We are off on our trip. I'm glad she's coming, but would have made the trip without her.
She's fretting that there will be 12 people in a house, and that she won't have the freedom she has at home. She will have to adjust for 3-4 days. I let her decide if there were any dealbreakers for her. I couldn't decide for her.
This
Quote:
My W has asked me to put my arm around her at night, these past few nights.
And this
You were calm and unflappable and let her handle her own garbage. This reads like a much more calm and confident CL and look what resulted.
Starsky, Thanks for the affirmation about how I handled the day prior to the trip. About 200 miles from our home my W and I were involved in a 3 car accident, on the interstate. I was slowing down to stop for traffic that had stopped on the highway. The road was wet from raining earlier in the day. Without warning I felt a strong impact. I knew it was not a fender bender. I felt like I was on an amusement park ride.
When I stepped out of the car, the back end of the car looked like an accordian. the back window was shattered. It was a significant impact. My W was outside screaming. A highway patrolman told me that an elderly woman failed to slow down for the stopped traffic. She had hit someone behind me, who then hit me.
We were transported to the ER in Charleston, WV for precautions at 7PM and stayed until 4AM. My neck is sore, but nothing was discovered to be wrong on the X-Ray or CAT Scan. My was W leaning forward at the time of impact, so hit her mouth on the dashboard. Her mouth, neck, and wrist are sore. Nothing is broken.
We spent the night and next day in Charleston. My W took control and managed all the phone call with the insurance company and rental car company. I decided it was best to return home and not drive the additonal 500 miles with sore necks and backs. We have an appointment with our chiropractor today. I'm not going to return to work, as was scheduled, to help as-needed at home.
My W broke down in the car, needing to describe the accident and her reaction to it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I seem to be in the doghouse today for some reason. I'm scratching my head over it. My W had me sleep in the guest room last night.
On the way home from our ordeal, she told me she was disappointmed that I didn't do a better job of advocating for her regarding the room arrangements with my family. She thinks I should have told my parents that she is a night owl and needs apace at night outside the bedroom to pass the time (like at home). I was thinking that she could adapt once she saw the arrangements for herself. There were going to be 12 people in a 10 person house. It's true that I didn't get a final head count until the day prior to the trip. My W had it in her mind that the living room would be free, as she is a night owl. My nephew was going to sleep on the couch. I'm not sure what other options there could have been, other than for her to not go or stay at a nearby hotel. She believes I should have taken care of this issue for her. I believe there isn't any option that would have satisfied her.
I got defensive when she brought this up in the car. Her timing was poor. I think the options were limited. She had to choose to adapt or not. I think she chose to go and complain and not adapt. Who knows how she would have handled it once we got there?
I'll make sure we get to the chiropractor today. I'll tolerate her moods, and let her have some space, and her opinions, and engage when it's constructive.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Oh good grief. Your wife needs to grow the H up, and focus on what's truly important. My lord, you could've both been KILLED yesterday!
I'm glad you're okay, CL. Focus on taking care of the care and insurance and medical matters, and on "Doing The Right Thing" in each. Let your wife to her own moods, and just validate without overdoing/rescuing, in my opinion.
Starsky (who's not liking your wife too much right now )
OK, you know I am on your side but bend over and feel the pain of the 2x4 coming...
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My W had me sleep in the guest room last night.
You're a man...you're THE man in your house.
She is pitching a hissy fit so you are relegated to the guest room. DO NOT ever stoop so low again. I think just by standing your ground and refusing to be related to the couch, you could have increased her attraction to you considerably. This was a key opportunity to take lemons and make vodka lemonades out of them.
I am starting to see a pattern. This may be code yet again for her being pissed at something but not having the guts to really speak up about what is bothering her...or like my wife, she will pick at something until you figure out what is really bothering her. The sleeping arrangements accomadating her night owlness may not even be the issue.
From here, her concern seem's trivial, self-centered, and after the fact. I would absolutely not frame it like that to her. You might point out that you would be willing to try to work with her but she needs to tell you about these types of things in advance. You also need to tell her that sometimes you can work things out for her, sometimes you might not. Sometimes she will have to tough it out. This is what couples do for each other.
Now all that said, I think she is trying to tell you something...this reads that she may be disapointed that you were not more assertive and/or manly in the handling of the accident.
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My W took control and managed all the phone call with the insurance company and rental car company.
This seems like traditional "man work". I also think she was traumatized and this is her way, perhaps of venting. My wife does stuff like this too.
This is all supposition of course but you two seem of the age where more traditional roles would be played. Handling the accident would be in your court. Being more assertive (not controlling but assertive) does seem like something you could use work on. Food for thought
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
CL, it would seem like you have assumed the female role in your relationship with your wife. It would also seem that your wife is not happy, nor attracted, by that dynamic.
This was a key opportunity to take lemons and make vodka lemonades out of them.
This may be code yet again for her being pissed at something but not having the guts to really speak up about what is bothering her...or like my wife, she will pick at something until you figure out what is really bothering her. .
You might point out that you would be willing to try to work with her but she needs to tell you about these types of things in advance. You also need to tell her that sometimes you can work things out for her, sometimes you might not. Sometimes she will have to tough it out. This is what couples do for each other.
Now all that said, I think she is trying to tell you something...this reads that she may be disapointed that you were not more assertive and/or manly in the handling of the accident.
This seems like traditional "man work". I also think she was traumatized and this is her way, perhaps of venting. My wife does stuff like this too.
Being more assertive (not controlling but assertive) does seem like something you could use work on. Food for thought
DNO, She took off like a jackrabbit when it came to calling the insurance companies. She is impatient and it has to be handled NOW. I could have wrestled the ball from her, but she would have not given up control, and let me handle it in my own way. The dynamic exists for reasons beyond a lack of assertiveness on my part. I would have been happy to make phone calls. I'll admit that I was remiss in offering my assistance, to see if she wanted to shift responsibillity to me.
When she was telling me about her disappointment about my failure for being a stronger advocate with my parents, I countered that I didn't see other options to advocate for. It was a situation she was going to have to adapt to. It was a situation I was not looking forward to.
I've been checking on the value of her car for her, cleaned out the car yesterday, and will speak to an attorney today. I noticed her sister called, so I'll return her call to save my W the time. I slept in the main bedroom last night, without asking. CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, it would seem like you have assumed the female role in your relationship with your wife. It would also seem that your wife is not happy, nor attracted, by that dynamic.
Starsky
I have to be careful of not avoiding opportunities and responsibilities for assertiveness as they arise. I have been putting effort into avoiding "egg-shell walking" around her. I'm more willing to work thru unpleasantness.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
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