The intimacy issue is going to have to be dealt with at some point.
I agree. I assume you're referring to the restoration of physical intimacy and eventually sexual intimacy. Hopefully, we're on the path from connection to emotional intimacy. In the meantime, I better darn well touch her during the routine. The next comment by a teacher will end the formation partnership.
We did the routine at a dance venue for performance practice, and she was complimenting me on our performance and praising me as a partner.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I would lump physical and sexual intimacy under the same umbrella and then emotional/mental intimacy under another.
I think YOU are getting there on the emotional/mental side. Your wife too a little but it seems for her the physical/sexual is required to complete the package.
Not sure I am explaining it that well. You seem better with mental then emotional then perhaps physical and then sexual in that order.
She might require the physical before she feels complete on the mental or emotional side.
You are on the path. At some point it may require a simple leap of faith...but that's easy for me to say. I'm not the one leaping.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I think YOU are getting there on the emotional/mental side.
Not sure I am explaining it that well. You seem better with mental then emotional then perhaps physical and then sexual in that order.
DNO, I'm guessing by mental you mean sharing of thoughts and opinions. I've been working on the emotional side. I'm raising my emotional IQ out of the Mild Emotional Retardation range to possibly Above Average for a guy my age. I think I have a higher Emotional IQ than my W (I empathize better than she does). I can't keep up conversationally with most woman. My W is connected to her body (she's a natural dancer admired by many). I feel the dance, but am just starting to express myself physically. I think emotional is gaining on mental and physical is gaining on emotional. Sexual is a distant fourth.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You do come across as "sad" to me, and that makes ME sad, cuz you sound like a great guy, with a lot to offer.
Starsky
I'm not sure what to say about the sadness comment. I do agree that physical intimacy is unresolved. I do think that what I'm doing is creating attraction and connection and emotional intimacy--partnership in areas important to her. Dancing creates some physical intimacy, but I know that's not enough.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I think you work way too hard to try to MAKE your wife happy.
We cannot MAKE each other happy in life. We can only create the environment for happiness, and let our spouses be responsbility for their OWN happiness within that positive environment.
I don't think you've ever really let go of that. You are a pleaser, and a rescuer.
I think you work way too hard to try to MAKE your wife happy.
We cannot MAKE each other happy in life. We can only create the environment for happiness, and let our spouses be responsbility for their OWN happiness within that positive environment.
In my case, I needed to do a better at creating the environment for happiness. The S in 2003 was the wake-up call for that. I think I'm creating it now for the most part. I need to keep working on moving beyond communicating at a conceptual level and be more expressive, empathetic, tolerant, connecting, and physical. This is my responsibility.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
We cannot MAKE each other happy in life. We can only create the environment for happiness, and let our spouses be responsbility for their OWN happiness within that positive environment.
I didn't give my W much to work with early on. I was emotionally immature and a poor communicator. It took a wake-up call in 2003 for me to begin working on myself. I've continued to work on myself because of the continued R problems since that time. I now feel like a good H and partner, and stronger, balanced, and happier human being. This is how it's supposed to be. Moving into intimacy will be a stretch, but I don't have a choice. If I keep the same patterns of distance, avoidance, and safety, I will feel the whip of R problems again.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W is upset with me that the Japanese restaurant wouldn't serve her because the kitchen was closed. We had just missed the deadline. We had decided to go there, at the last minute. It appears we have a conflict. I try to steer us towards value meals ($25 or less). She wants specialty places. the compromise it seems, is simply to let her choose her own restaurant from time to time, even it's beyond $25. I expect to have to bear her disappointment today. I'm going to work on being stronger in the face of conflict, and try not to walk around like a scolded puppy.
I'm going to try to remember Starsky's wisdom about creating the best possible environment for my spouse on our vacation, and let the rest go. If there's a problem for me to solve, or if there's something I can do to enrich my W's stay, I'll do it. If I encounter nonconstructive complaining, in which there is nothing I can do, I'll have to leave her to her own misery, or tolerate it to the extent I'll have to (in the car). I'll hope for the best, and not expect perfection.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W continued to share her doubts about the upcoming trip. I gave her the option of not going. I told her that if she thought there was less than a fair chance of having a good time, she should stay home. I would make the 700 mile drive by myself. She considered it for a bit, and decided she didn't want to miss out on a new experience. She said she would have to adjust her attitude. We are off on our trip. I'm glad she's coming, but would have made the trip without her.
She's fretting that there will be 12 people in a house, and that she won't have the freedom she has at home. She will have to adjust for 3-4 days. I let her decide if there were any dealbreakers for her. I couldn't decide for her.
I think it will be good for us to getaway. We haven't been out of town since last September. I haven't had a week off of work since that time. I'm looking forward to this trip as a means to further bond with my W and connect with my family.
My W has asked me to put my arm around her at night, these past few nights.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
