Doc, It's hard to believe it's been a year since I've talked to you. It sounds like you're taking much better care of yourself.
My W has agreed to accept my parent's invitation and go on a trip to stay with my family. I'm thinking the way to get thru this is to limit the amount of time we spend there--about three days, or more if it's going well. Seven hundred miles in a car with my W may have some difficult moments, but flying is too expensive.
My W's decision to limit the amount of beer in the home, has helped her to cut down on smoking. I no longer buy beer for the house. She buys her own, which creates a step for her , instead of having it appear weekly. She still spends too much time in front of the television and computer, but I give her space, to work it out on her own. I sometimes get impatient with her, but for the most part, am able to enjoy our time together.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm struck by a quote from psychiatrist Mark Epstein:
"Isolated in our heads, we yearn for the kind of connection that our own thinking guards against."
I write about increasing connection with my W, yet lacking intimacy. I need to be more aware of how I contribute to this. The conflict centered around sexual dysfunction for a long time, but restoring a sexual act doesn't resolve intimacy problems.
I'm at work, so can't write too long today, but wanted to capture this quote, for further exploration on how I maintain patterns that inhibit intimacy and connection with my W and in my life.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I had a conflict recently, in which I gave a piece of her cheese to my dog, as an incentive to come inside, so we could make it to dance class on-time. She was angry with me for not consulting with her. I got a grin on my face, because I thought she was being too reactive over a piece of cheese. This of course, made the sitution worse. I was able to convey my understanding of her position, which put closure on the issue.
I've come to realize how much of a perfectionist I've been. I don't mean in a high achieving, attention to detail sort of way, but wanting life on my terms way. I don't want unpleasantness, discomfort, conflict, vices, unpleasant emotions from others. This keeps me in a state of disconnection, because I don't want to participate. One can't have intimacy this way. It's a lonely way to live.
I'm letting my W be imperfect. I'm staying with unpleasantness and experiences instead of being quick to judge, or snap at her, or being reactive out of aversion. I'm letting her months of unemployment and years of smoking work itself out at its own pace and manner.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I've come to realize how much of a perfectionist I've been. I don't mean in a high achieving, attention to detail sort of way, but wanting life on my terms way. I don't want unpleasantness, discomfort, conflict, vices, unpleasant emotions from others. This keeps me in a state of disconnection, because I don't want to participate. One can't have intimacy this way. It's a lonely way to live.
I'm letting my W be imperfect. I'm staying with unpleasantness and experiences instead of being quick to judge, or snap at her, or being reactive out of aversion. I'm letting her months of unemployment and years of smoking work itself out at its own pace and manner.
CL
Neither of those two ways is any way to live a life, in my opinion, CL. There is a third way, and that is to lay out and learn to enforce calm boundaries, and stop walking on eggshells around your wife, calling her on her CB ("crap behavior" when necessary, and stop allowing her to treat you like a child.
I honestly don't know why you're afraid to stand up for yourself with her. She's making you sad and miserable -- it oozes from your posts.
There is a third way, and that is to lay out and learn to enforce calm boundaries, and stop walking on eggshells around your wife, calling her on her CB ("crap behavior" when necessary, and stop allowing her to treat you like a child.
I don't feel sad and miserable. My W's mood has improved dramatically this year. She is taking better care of herself, and is looking fit and tone. We go together to the fitness center 3X per week. We bought another year's worth of dance lessons. We've been practicing together on a routine we'll be performing in August. I know the cheese incident reads as pretty silly (she can be somewhat OCD), but if I practice empathy, I can see that she is anxious about money. I think there's something to be said about giving one's spouse latitude with their emotions. I notice if I listen to my W and allow her to vent, it will pass quickly, and we move on. If I' m reactive, the day is ruined. She wasn't disrespectful towards me. I've been setting boundaries around more important issues, like money. I let her know when I'm out of cash, and even joke about it. She then picks up the slack until my next payday. She chooses not to work, so I gently have her share the consequences of that decision.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Just my opinion, from a guy who's been following your sitch pretty closely, CL. Yes, things are a little smoother, but that's only to the degree that you walk on eggshells and treat her with kid gloves.
Let me ask you this: how important is physical intimacy to you in your marriage? How much has this way of treating her created attraction, and led to intimacy?
"Miserable" was probably too strong a word. You do come across as "sad" to me, and that makes ME sad, cuz you sound like a great guy, with a lot to offer.
I'm going to need to take a leadership role regarding the upcoming vacation. My W is fretting that she will be bored and trapped on the trip. I'll get a travel book and look for ideas. I'll need to have a mindset that my W is priority on this trip, and give her priority as far as my time. This will keep me from feeling in the middle between she and my family. I can't please everyone. It's important that my effort goes towards my W.
My W threatened to quit the dance formation team due to my failure to practice. Last week, she was beaming because we were the best couple on the team. I told her that I would be upset, if she quit six weeks into this. I'm the one who takes the lead in encouraging us to practice, so that's not true. She was also embarrased because the teacher commented on my not touching her during one part of the routine (a sensitive subject). I see no valid reason to quit. We had a good practice sesion late last night. I'll hold my ground on this one, and let her know my feelings if she threatens again.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She was also embarrassed because the teacher commented on my not touching her during one part of the routine (a sensitive subject)
Please, let's be very honest. Do you not think this is the real issue.
Missing practice for one week is just code and/or perhaps additional justification for her threats to quit.
I would go further and say that her embarrassment at your not touching her during the dance is really your lack of intimacy spilling into to other areas of your relationship.
The intimacy issue is going to have to be dealt with at some point. You have pretty much everything else checked off your list. From here you seem not unable, but unwilling or perhaps fearful to face this final hurtle.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Jack, I agree. She needs to know how important it is to me and work thru conflict with me to make it work. We've talked about the formation team recently, and she shared that the practice schedule is keeping her from social dancing during the week. I told her that we can change our practice night to a different night, which would free Tuesday nights for social dancing. She agreed.
The other issue is that it's very important for her to be prepared for the Wednesday night class. We've been practicing on Tuesdays and Saturdays. She wants to be prepared before that. Even though we're one of the best couples in class, if we're not prepared for the next week, she gets anxious. I have to think like a partner and work with her on this.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
