When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[whatisis]

It doesn't feel right because it's not what you're used to. It's called "cognitive dissonance" and whenever we try to do something new e.g. positive self talk it just doesn't feel right somehow. That's where practice, patience and persistence come in. After a while, it will feel right. hey, when you started Zumba I'll bet part of you was saying "this isn't right, I can't do this, my body just isn't made for this!" but you pushed through and now you're having a hoot. Don't quit your positive self talk just because it doesn't feel right!

[mishka422]

Thanks Wii! I'm working at it.

Just this morning I was blow drying my hair, getting ready to go to my WW meeting and the negative thoughts started in my head. I couldn't talk my way around them so I sang that song in my head to get around it. Heck, it worked!

[mishka422]

Ugh! Doing it again.

Gabe called me on his way home from work this afternoon and was chatting. He said he was thinking about going fishing this afternoon but it was so darned hot so he was going to go do some night fishing with his buddy instead.

That started the spiral. That was what he used to tell me sometime when he was going to meet the broom. He was going to they gym (for 4-5 hours!), he was meeting up with the guys to play pool and have drinks (but he would come home stone sober and distant). All those old feelings just shot back to the surface. He could tell something was wrong with me and I wasn't happy about him going fishing for that long. 1-2 hours is long enough but he's talking until 11 or 12 tonight. It's just too long and I'm SO uncomfortable. I can't tell him why so I just said it was fine.

I feel so bad for not trusting him but there is too much history. When he could tell that I was upset he said, "What's the problem? It's not like when you go out with your friends I ask you when you're going to be back or get all upset about it." I wanted SO badly to just say "I don't have a history of 'going out with friends' only to be off screwing someone else". I bit my tongue so hard to keep from doing that! This is just darned hard! I hate it!

How do I keep sucking up my feelings like this? If I tell him what I feel I'm afraid he will see it as an attack against him.

Any advice would be appreciated. I've been crying off and on for the last 3 hours and I'm exhausted. This stinks!

[kat727]

Ummm, I think you need to tell him that is a trigger for you. If he doesn't know what that means, explain it and then he will maybe begin to understand. He isn't going to get it if you leave him in the dark.

Kat

[mishka422]

It's entirely my own problem though. I either have to find a way to handle the emotion or I just have to let him go. It isn't fair to him for me to dump my emotional crud on him is it?

[kat727]

It is fair for him to understand why his actions make you upset. How can he help you get past this if you dont give him the chance? This is an issue for both of you. Quit making this just your problem.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

When he asked what's the problem you could have said exactly what was going through your mind. He's probably sitting their trying to guess.

[MaMaMo]

It's entirely my own problem though

Uh no it's a problem that he bought and laid at your feet, with his cheating, you didn't pull this "trigger" problem out of thin air.

Explain when he tells you he will be hanging out with his friends your fears, because these are the same excuses he used when he was cheating, you didn't have triggers then because he gave you no reason not to trust him, since that trust is broken and calling you and telling you the same plans that he used for his cheating brings you back to that place again.

If he gets mads then he still does not get what he did to you and your son, and his behavior really has not changed (imo)

[MichelleLT]

It is fair for him to understand why his actions make you upset. How can he help you get past this if you dont give him the chance? This is an issue for both of you. Quit making this just your problem.

Hell yes!

Uh no it's a problem that he bought and laid at your feet, with his cheating, you didn't pull this "trigger" problem out of thin air.

And yes!!!!!

Obviously you don't want to just go off on him. Yelling or accusing him or going back to those behaviors would be rash and unproductive. But it would be a good thing to say, it triggers very bad memories and emotions for me when you say X because that was an excuse you used when you were having your affair. You need to explain where you are coming from. He can't be sensitive to the issue if he doesn't know what the issue is.

Keep singing your song. We all have to break out of the bad habits somehow!

[mishka422]

When he asked what's the problem you could have said exactly what was going through your mind. He's probably sitting their trying to guess.

Yes, I know that is the case. I've unfortunately been conditioned to keep my mouth shut and just suck it up. When I try to force how I feel out of my mouth I literally get choked on the words. My throat closes and I actually gag. Bad, bad,bad. After being shut down for so long it's physically painful to try to open up. No, this did not happen due to the D. This happened throughout my life and our early M'd years.

Even after quite a lot of therapy that is something I haven't been able to break through. There was a time where I made a pretty good start at it and then Gabe came back and my mind went haywire and the eggshell walking began again. It's so hard to break away from that now too. Always living in fear has become so exhausting.

What the heck do I fear? I have no idea! I know I can survive just about anything. Does it matter if he leaves again because I spoke my mind? NO! Logically, my brain knows that is his problem, not mine. Actually applying that is another subject though. Something in my subconscious stops me. I'm not sure how I unbury what that is and get past it.

Still singing my song! This morning it was especially loud!!! LOL!