I'm starting to get impatient with the lack of movement in any direction on this sitch. We're nowhere closer to D so I should be happy but I feel like weeks are slipping by with no progress and there should be something I could be doing better to fix it.
My guess is that in H's mind, we are getting closer to D as he will likely try to ask me to post-date the "date of separation" to when he left in May and consider what's going on right now our 3 month cool down period.
Anyways, going dark is not the answer and I learned that last time. However, it's so hard to have conversations with him and I struggled with this last time as well. I initiated a light discussion last night of the "hi how are you" sort. For the first time since this sitch started, he actually asked how I was doing. I'm trying to use these as opportunities to show a good mood, give him little glimpses as to what is going on in my life, etc. Then I ended the conversation after a few minutes.
I guess I just sit back and wait. Last time I did this I got a good response - so I guess I wait to see if the test works this time too. If so, I'm not sure how often to have these conversations and how to work things like validation and words of affirmation into them more...
Also... Friday is our 11 year anniversary so I've been kind of dreading that day for a while now. I have a friend who wants me to go to Vegas but I just feel like I can't pick up and disappear like that. Maybe it would be a 180 though.... but it's a guy friend and I really don't want to give the wrong impression.
you could send a card, or even a text message saying
"Happy Anniversary...it's still worth remembering.."
IDK, just a thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My H sent a text on ours saying 'Although this is not where we thought we would have been X years ago today, I still remember' (the rest was me walking down the aisle but you could fill in something different of course).
It acknowledges the day but its not saying 'Happy Anniversary' since its not exactly a happy day being apart.
H:41 W:44 D1:19 D2:17 S:13 D3:7 T:20 M:18 Bomb:1/5/11 Sep:2/18/11 No D filed yet; just threats
Initiated some contact with H today. Asked him how he was and hoped his knee felt better (he kinda hurt it over the weekend). He said thanks and that he was just really busy at work as usual. I was going to cut it off there but he responded that he basically wants to work out a custody arrangement for our car (my words not his). He's going to see if there is a way he can get some parking downtown covered by work, if not he'll probably just deal. I just used the opportunity to try and validate his feelings, give him some words of affirmation. I guess his head is still in the D game.
Yes.. it does seem your husband is very determined to push thru the divorce, and I dont care what other people say but this is just the paper work. Please read my post to Denver this morning in regards to the END of the marriage, you still have time... Keep DB'ing....let him see the new and improved you, and if it doesn't work out Your the one that has and will benefit on all the work you have done on U.
Thanks sunny. I appreciate your encouragement. I do have time - in fact I have 3 months from the time the paperwork is filed (not when we were separated) so I will probably end up with almost 6 months. I think that is a fair amount of time.
I know a lot of people here don't always know what to say to me because I've been through this "successfully" before. Sure I know what worked last time which is a huge clue but this time isn't completely the same so any advice is always welcome and the support is greatly appreciated. I'm also finding that I'm struggling more this time with the entire thing.
However, I have seen some positive signs and I need to remember those, keep hoping and let him work through his stuff. Initiating contact (as I remember from last time) isn't a horrible thing to do as long as I'm being light and friendly and not pressing about the R. I have to walk a fine line between annoying him with too much contact but not going completely silent for days on end.
Tonight he found a great groupon deal for lasik which we both have wanted to get in the past. He said he was going to do it and we could just deduct it from his side of the finances in the D. I said well I want it too... so we just both got the deal and I guess that evens out. Then he asked for the car Saturday to go hiking. In the theme of the "what to do when you're stuck" post by the dbmod, I decided to try something totally different. I called him up. Now written methods of communication tend to be the best for him (and us...) but like I said, I was doing something different. I totally woke him up as he'd just gone to bed. I felt bad and apologized profusely but we chatted for 5 or 10 minutes about lasik and this weekend and etc. I was happy, light, friendly, treated him, worked in some words of affirmation, etc.
I will contact him tomorrow using one of the anniversary suggestions above. Probably 25's because the other one wouldn't come across right. Then he'll come to get the car at some point and ... I won't contact him for a couple days. We'll see what happens. I guess we'll have to contact again for him to drop off the car but I'll let him drive all of that.
Went to a board game meetup group tonight at a local coffee shop, it was a lot of fun! The pub trivia was also a good time last night. Don't have much planned for the weekend except Sunday watching the NBA Finals game with my friend.
