Saw things clearer once you're in my rearviewmiror

[MichelleLT]

It sounds like he actually does well with D6, so that's definitely preferable to the alternative.

Of course, he does so he can get in stbx's pants.

*shrugs* Whatever the reason, the result is what matters.

I'm not upset about her screwing these men, I'm upset about her bringing these men around our daughter who's only six! I'm over the part that she's out there screwing around. And when I date, why should she be unhappy? she's the one that kicked me to the curb. And I will be dating a woman not a guy, IMHO there's a big difference. Typical worst case scenario a woman can be mean to a kid. Typical worst case scenario of a man and given her choices...I don't even want to think about it. The only redeeming factor is perhaps that he too has a daughter from what I understand. Two, she lives in a studio apt. So my daughter sees and hears everything, whatever it is that goes on. What kind of role model does that create for my daughter to see her mother in bed with other men. This whole thing friggn' blows.

I know you guys are right I can only control myself but since it affects my daughter I'm very upset.

Regardless of how much you would like to protect her from everything, you can't. But no matter what, she has a great role model in you. (((Romeo)))

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks Michelle! I appreciate your positive perspective. While DD relates to her mom more I do try to be a good role model. I just wonder sometimes that when she grows up she will never know these day to day battles I've fought with myself to keep her protected. I wonder if she'll grow up to see her mom as the better parent as most daughters of divorced families do. I guess there's nothing I could do about that either. Last night we grilled some food and ate it around the firepit in the backyard. We then made smores and I shared with her a couple of stories of my childhood. She was so fascinated! She asked me to tell her more stories even though the fire had went out by this time and it was getting cold. Then when we came inside and I told her to go get ready for bed she said 'daddy, I love you. I'm going to miss you next week'. I told her I loved her more and I will see her the following week. That just makes it worth all the effort.

[whatisis]

That just makes it worth all the effort.

Sure does...beautiful story, Romeo!

[MichelleLT]

To some extent kids tend to gravitate towards the same sex parent for certain things. As a girl, there are just some things you can't imagine talking to your dad about.

But on the other hand, I remember watching my younger siblings and now my nieces and nephew go through phases of being attached to mom then dad then mom.

What matters more than anything is the time. The quality time. Making the memories. Forging the bond.

Kids are astute. They notice a lot. I'm sure she realizes how much you love her and try to protect her.

[OldFool]

...they'll chalk it up to some circumstance or such BS later on, they'll never link the two together. If it happens now at least they'll see why it didn't have to be this way.

I'm afraid I have to disagree. So close to the "error", most people will be unable to admit their mistake and, thus, learn from it. However, over time this feeling wanes and for some, the reality of the situation and their part in it becomes clear. Sure, there are those who will never allow that to happen (and in so doing, will condemn themselves to repeating the error), but this has more to do with the person than the timing.

As for interest in dating, honestly, it feels like such a chore to have to gather up the courage, act cool, approach a woman, play games...and then...they turn you down still. Then you pick up your deflated self and try yet again and again until one finally lets you in and then you end up settling for someone you may not have wanted. It's such crap lol So I don't feel like dating or at least going through that process myself.

Well, you've apparently gone a lot further into the pool than I have. Sorry to hear you've found the waters chilly. I could write a half-dozen paragraphs here, but suffice it to say that at this point, I just don't consider women to be worth the effort. I'm not arguing for broad adoption of that assessment, it's just the result of my own evaluation.

Unfortunately though I can't be man enough to say I don't have use for women lol women are wonderful creatures and I still believe if you're that lucky person to find one that was meant for you life can be so satisfying.

I completely agree. The only difference between us is that you think that woman exists and I don't believe she does.

On that note I'll agree with EverHopeful and hope that the HOT and Happy woman comes your way and knocks your socks off too.

Thanks...but I'm neither looking nor holding my breath (see above).

I'm having a tough time accepting this d*ck in my daughter's life. Today we were outside playing, she bent down to pick up something and I bumped her on my butt. She laughed and said 'daddy, that's what D*ck does to me sometimes, he's so funny'...gaaaah!!!!

OK...you've got to stop and get a grip. There are going to be other men in your ex's life and, as a result, in your D's life. Likewise, there may be other women in your life and, as a result, in your D's life. That's just how it is and there is simply nothing that you can (or should) do about it.

It's easy to think that, just as your ex is doing, your D will replace you with another. But that's not how it works. The dynamic between two partners and between a parent and child is not the same. True, your D may love you or hate you, but either way, no one else will ever be her father...that's yours alone. The important thing is to be a good father (as others have suggested) and part of doing that is going to be learning how to handle this situation.

I'm not upset about her screwing these men, I'm upset about her bringing these men around our daughter who's only six! Typical worst case scenario a woman can be mean to a kid. Typical worst case scenario of a man and given her choices...I don't even want to think about it. The only redeeming factor is perhaps that he too has a daughter from what I understand. Two, she lives in a studio apt. So my daughter sees and hears everything, whatever it is that goes on. What kind of role model does that create for my daughter to see her mother in bed with other men.

I know you guys are right I can only control myself but since it affects my daughter I'm very upset.

Wow, you are crossing some kind of line here which means...yes, that's right folks...it's 2x4 time.

1. You're just this side of claiming the guy is some kind of pedophile, but without a lick of information to back that up. This wild supposition is only hurting you. What if you had your poker buddies over (OK...I don't know if you play poker, but it's just an example) and your STBXW told her friends, "Go- only knows what those friends of his do to D when he's not looking!" You'd be incensed. Stick to the facts.

2. Time to shed the whole "I'm indignant because I'm protecting my daughter" thing. Not that you don't care about your D and not that your ex isn't displaying some rather shallow and self-centered behavior, but you and I both know this has a lot less to do with your D and a lot more to do with you. In the absence of any real indication that your D is being put in some kind of emotional (beyond what she's been put through already by the big D) or physical danger, this protection thing is just a nice cover for your own anger at the situation and your ex.

3. "What kind of role model does that create for my daughter to see her mother in bed with other men?" The same kind she may have already seen on TV and will soon hear about at school. I'm not saying that's good and she may be exposed to it a bit sooner than others, but if you're really going to shield your D from bad role models, your crusade is a lot bigger than you may realize.

I just wonder sometimes that when she grows up she will never know these day to day battles I've fought with myself to keep her protected. I wonder if she'll grow up to see her mom as the better parent as most daughters of divorced families do. Then when we came inside and I told her to go get ready for bed she said 'daddy, I love you. I'm going to miss you next week'.

I think you've answered your own question. Leave the rest alone and focus on that. Your time and effort will be better spent...trust me. MLT is absolutely right, "Kids are astute. They notice a lot." Don't worry about showing your D anything...just let her see it for herself. In the end, that will be enough.

Peace and serenity to you.

[whatisis]

Wow Romeo, you really went to town with your last post, didn't you! I haven't had to deal with other people in wife's life as you are and I don't know what I'd do if she did "come out of the closet". As you may know, my wife decided to bat from the other side of the plate but has never exposed this to my children. Personally, I think she's just wacko but her business is her business. I also understand your feelings in regards to dating. I haven't dated and still don't really want to. I want to feel sufficient in myself before I venture out and look for someone. I don't want to fall into something with someone that will make me feel like a "complete" person or whatever else. I want a R that will be based as much as possible on two people, not neediness. It's also a pain in the butt to date. Who needs the sh*t lol. I've never been a dater, or someone who found it "fun". I just don't need that anxiety in my life right now. I think too, those of us on this site who've been betrayed and tossed aside by probably the most important R in our lives find it hard to get back out there. We're damaged goods and so are most of the women we'd be dating, that scares me!
Btw, on a positive note, Happy Father's Day!

[kml]

We're damaged goods and so are most of the women we'd be dating, that scares me!

Speak for yourself, Wii!!!! I'm not damaged goods - in fact, I'm new and improved goods!!! And while some of the guys I've chosen to date may have some nicks and scratches, so far I think any one of them is a better man than my ex.

[whatisis]

Glad to hear that, Kml! I just know that many of the people I know who've been through this carry some deep scars that can't help but impact on their relationships with others and themselves. I'm not being judgemental, just observing. Certainly it is possible to overcome the damage but it takes hard work and I pray that I and others can follow your lead and do that work!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Wow Romeo, you really went to town with your last post, didn't you!

No, that was OldFool's response to my last couple of posts. I'll need a weekend to respond to that myself but OldFool I did read all of it and thank you for your continued support since 2006!

I haven't had to deal with other people in wife's life as you are and I don't know what I'd do if she did "come out of the closet". As you may know, my wife decided to bat from the other side of the plate but has never exposed this to my children.

Wii, at least at a personal level if my wife turned out to be gay I might feel better because I at least wouldn't have that bruised manly ego that she chose another man over me. Heck I might ask her to invite me when...uhhh, never mind And at least your wife is sensible enough to keep that stuff away from the kids and she at least seems nice towards you and not so vengeful like mine.

As for dating, I hate it, the games, the wasted efforts etc I was never big into dating myself when I was young. I always had long term girlfriends. Things were so simple when we were young; I never had to spend much effort to have a gf or ever even set out on a mission to find one. It just happened. I've been on my own for almost a year and a half and almost 2 years during the previous separation so it's not like I can't live or breathe but I don't know I'm ok with the picture of my future without a woman in it. I like women lol and it's just a matter of the right one to come along for all of us if when we allow it. In fact, I'm having a realtor style sign put out front of the house 'New on the market -> available for viewing by appt only'

Yeah wii, damaged goods? my goods are just fine

[whatisis]

[quote=ImprovedRomeoYeah wii, damaged goods? my goods are just fine [/quote]

Are you talking your "goods" or your "goodies"?
Romeo, re: my wife's new found lifestyle choice, saying "at least it wasn't another guy" can just as easily be turned into "not only did I turn her off marriage, I turned her off men" So whether it's another man or a woman, it still [censored]. You and I got tossed aside by the most important trusting R in our lives. That takes time and effort to recover from!