Looking through the MLC archives, I found this beauty that was posted by Smurf_SMR on 1/21/2006:
The Lighthouse
Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.
Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.
Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.
All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.
They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'
They are lost to themselves.
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.
You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.
Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
Be the lighthouse.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Went to SS 21's Special Olympics Spring Games this morning. W's ex was already there with SS 21; we chatted for a bit. W arrived a few minutes later after her "big night" of partying with our friends. Turns out it was a pretty tame evening; W was asleep by 10 after a few glasses of wine. We had friendly conversation, cheered on SS in his swimming meet and then I left to meet a friend to look at some remodeling work he wants to have done.
W was home by the time I arrived home. She asked me about several dates where she needed to have me look after SS due to her increased work schedule. My first thought was that she is taking on as many hours as she can to amass enough $$$ to move out. But I agreed to help out w/ the scheduling; no sense in being spiteful.
The rest of the afternoon she was like ice, so I caught up on long-overdue house projects. It is still very hard to not think about her, the sitch, the M...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
For the last several nights W has been coming home from work and immediately retreating to her room with her phone and tightly closing the door, remaining there for the rest of the night. Conversation, if any, has been cool and minimal at best. I am cooking my own meals, doing my own laundry, cleaning the house...and still sleeping in the spare bedroom.
Last night around 10:00 I knocked on her bedroom door. I could hear her shifting around before she said "Come in." I sat on the edge of the bed and calmly explained that I was uneasy about her recent need for extreme privacy and I then asked if she was still in contact with the OM, with whom she had supposedly - for the third time - cut off all contact. She admitted she was still calling him and texting him. Conversation then went something like this:
M: You told me you had stopped talking to him.
W: Well, I did for a while.
M: I'm sorry, W, but "for a while" is not something I can accept.
W: So what are you telling me?
M: As long as you are sharing yourself with another man in any way, there is no chance of any reconciliation. You promised me several times you would stop, yet here you are right back there again. I have too much self-respect to allow another man in our marriage. If you insist on maintaining your relationship with him, I think you need to look for your own place to live.
W: (long silence, then...)So you want me to move out?
M: No, I do not want you to move out. I want you to stop, once and for all, contacting or communicating with (OM) in any way, shape or form. I want you to recognize the potential we have to create a new marriage without all of the past baggage. I want you to see the old me is dead, and the new me gets it; understands the pain you have been enduring. But you can't have it both ways. You can't continue to use him for your emotional needs and use me to keep a roof over your head, food on the table and as a baby sitter for (SS 21).
The rest of the conversation was variations of the above. She still maintained she did "not love me as a wife should love a husband" and that she "lived a lie for the duration of our marriage". After several minutes of this back-and-forth, I said both of us deserved better than what we had given each other, and that I would rather see her happy on her own than miserable and with me. I leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, said goodnight and went to bed.
I know I violated several DB and DR tenets, but I had reached the point where I had to stand up for my basic rights as a husband and a man, and no longer try to ignore the elephant in the room.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
W called me this morning at 5:50 AM (I was already at work). Could tell she had been crying. Asked me if she came back (figuratively; we are still in the same house but different bedrooms) would I wait as long as it would take for her to learn to trust and love me again? I said I thought that could work, but I restated my position about the OM. She said she understood. I said I understood about her lack of trust, her suspicion about my "changes" - said they were just a ploy to get her back - and her reluctance to commit herself.
Not sure where this is going, but it's going somewhere.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
W initiated more discussion tonight. She said she would stay in the marriage because it is the "right thing to do", but that for now it would be a loveless, passionless, sexless marriage - exactly what I had said I would not be a part of. It tore me apart to hear that but I maintained my composure as best as I could. I asked if this was as good as it would get. Her answer: "I don't know."
I feel powerless. She is holding our marriage in her hands and she is slowly crushing the life out of it. Maybe I'm being unrealistic in my expectations. I allowed them (expectations) to control my thoughts and actions, and I sense she has no respect and a lot of contempt for me. Every thing I do - every word I speak, every action, every reaction - is going to be analyzed, scrutinized and judged by her to determine if I am worthy of her love and affections.
I have lost focus; I'm dwelling on her and have forgotten about me. I'm looking for affirmation from her, and I am certain I appear pathetic and pitiful in her eyes.
Help.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
W sent $200 to the OM. She claims it was to help him out since he is out of work. I think it is for a plane ticket for him to come this way and see her when I am out of town (she has my schedule for the year) but she denies that.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Waiting for my other posts to appear, so I'll keep journaling...
I'm numb and at a loss for clear thinking this AM. After confronting W about the money she sent to OM she became very angry, accused me of invading her privacy - I found the receipt for a money order in her purse, so yes, I was snooping in her belongings - and blamed me for most of our marriage ills gong back over 10 years. I agreed that I had made a lot of mistakes and regretted how I had treated her. It was not a calm conversation, and she stated she was going to move out ASAP and start D mediation. I said I thought that would be best, since neither of us trust the other any more and that she feels absolutely nothing for me. Our emotions were doing the talking.
I want to believe her explanation about why she sent him the money, but I think there is more to it. I want to believe this M has a fighting chance but it seems like lately, every day brings a new reason it will not. I cannot bear the thought of being in this house without her, and yet I cannot see a pleasant future with her.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Numb from the shock of having W tell me she wants a D, and yet when I look at everything we had to deal with, it's probably a wonder we lasted this long:
1.Our marriage was the result of an affair we had while we were still married to first spouses (80% failure rate for these)
2.We were dealing with a severely autistic child who was not mine, and therefore W was very protective of him to the point where I was not allowed to step in at all. She scheduled her life around him.
3. We both brought tons of emotional baggage with us, and never learned how to deal with it.
4. W never got over the guilt of her first divorce and our affair.
5. My temper and her temper made for some very bad years.
6. Instead of bringing her problems up for us to look at, W stuffed everything away until it all blew up.
7. My drinking caused the biggest meltdown on New Years’ Eve several years ago.
8. Money has always been tight; only this year have we had a decent joint income.
So now I'm in self-flagellation mode; what could I have done to prevent this? Why didn't I see this coming? Why wasn't I more sensitive to her needs and moods?
Woulda/coulda/shoulda...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
