I hesitated making this post, as I originally thought that it pertained more to my D14 and the things she is dealing with especially being a 14 year old girl and what a young girl experiences as she is changing into a young woman.
After my S10 broke down again last night concerning his mother and lack of contact with her over the weekend, I had a good bit of anger towards my XW come up. Given the situation with my D14 it is clearly evident that XW is still DEEP in MLC. Unfortunately, I still find myself exposed to the madness even post divorce.
As many of you are aware my D14 has struggled with the actions and words of her mother over the last 2 years. As of right now they have no relationship what-so-ever and my XW does not attempt to contact her at all. My D14 has been seeing a very good therapist for the last 2 months as she tries to cope with the stress of her mother’s MLC and the normal stresses in a 14 year old girl’s life.
Last Tuesday night during her weekly therapy session, my D14 admitted that she has had thoughts of “wanting it all to end” and that at times she is severely depressed. She further disclosed to the therapist that last summer of 2010 she had considered “doing something” but decided not to because she did not want to her brother to find her.
At that point the therapist was duty bound to act and had to report the concerns. As a result, last Tuesday night I checked my D14 into a hospital for psychiatric evaluation and treatment because of thoughts of suicide. She is still there and we are not sure when she will get out.
While I personally don’t think that my daughter would harm herself I do know that she gets very depressed and sad at times because she morns the loss of her mother. I believe my D14 is in the right place and is getting the help she needs. My D14 is now on anti-D’s.
Because this has happened I have had to have more contact with my XW to give her information concerning our D14. Up until now I have purposely limited my contact with XW for my own good. D14 does not want her mother to have any access to her in the hospital nor have any access to her information from the hospital. I had to deliver this decision to my XW who immediately accused me of trying to control her and she started to take a harsh tone with me, which I immediately shut down.
After my XW calmed down we had about an hour long conversation about the situation between her and our D14. I stated that I did not want to hurt her (my XW) feelings and that if at anytime she did not want to carry on the conversation, that all she had to do was let me know and I would end the conversation. I also told her that some of the things that our D14 is saying and feeling are the same things that I have felt and would have wanted to ask of my XW in the past.
These are some of the things I communicated to my XW that my D14 said the night before.
Our D14 is struggling with the decisions and actions you have made in your life. D14 wants to know if you realize the amount of pain you have caused and are causing her. D14 wants to know if you realize the pain that S10 is in but says nothing about. D14 wants to know if you realize the pain you caused me. D14 wants to know WHY? D14 wants to know why you lie to her repeatedly. D14 is very, very angry with you. D14 wants know why you don’t try to do anything until something major happens. D14 thinks you want to act like everything is normal and that you did nothing wrong. D14 thinks that you “just don’t get it”. D14 misses her “old mother” and she does not miss the person you are now. D14 misses having a regular family. D14 thinks that your life before you went crazy was good, we had it all, nice house, good schools, friends, basically the American dream……now you live in a dump and her and her brother don’t like coming over to visit…….was it all worth it??? D14 doesn’t want to have contact with your family because she thinks that they support your decisions.
I shared with my XW that I thought she could have a relationship with her daughter someday but it would never be a normal mother/daughter relationship. I told XW that both her and D14 will need to be healthy individually before they could have a healthy relationship together.
I also told XW that she is still causing pain by avoiding talking about things with D14 and until she stops causing pain the healing will never start. I told her it will take a lot of effort on her part over a very long time with no guarantee of a relationship in the end. I told her that she needs to make an effort daily to contact D14 no matter what. I told XW that D14 needs to feel “worthy of her efforts”.
My XW expressed regret for not trying and that she knows that she is “messed up”. XW also admitted that she is not sure about what she did in the past that caused or is causing D14 pain. My XW also admitted that she does not remember things that I have told her she has said and done in the past.
I caution those that are reading this that are interested in saving their marriage, that this IS NOT a course of action to follow. I am simply documenting my experience in dealing with a spouse that is suffering MLC. I am DIVORCED and I am no longer interested in reconciling, however I am still dealing with MLC as I have to have continued contact with my XW as I raise my children.
At the end of the conversation I committed to calling my XW every time I visited with or had any new information about our D14,………..which I have done.
More…………
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
The conversation I had with my XW was last Thursday afternoon.
My XW asked me what she should do going forward. I really hesitated to give her an my opinion, I know I can’t fix her and honestly I just don’t care except that I know that her behavior impacts the kids and I am the one to deal with the fallout.
I suggested that she at least try everyday to contact our D14, either by text, email, or phone, if only to say that she loves her. Even if there is no response, she should never stop trying. Well, I had this exact same conversation with my XW on March 25th and prior to my D14 going into the hospital I checked the phone records for my D14 and found that my XW tried to call her once during the last 60 days and had sent 1 text in the last 60 days……………..I must say that this angers me the most and it takes all I have to not blow my XW out of the water on this point. I did share that fact of no effort , with my XW during our conversation on Thursday…….that is when she broke down crying and expressing regret for not trying.
Well, flash forward to last night and putting my S10 to bed.
My S10 was in the bed and I was saying good night and he asked if he could call Mom and I said sure……..I said you can call her anytime…..you even have your own phone. He then told me that he had tried Friday night a couple of times and several times on Saturday, leaving multiple messages to call back.
She never called all weekend.
He broke down and started crying saying that he “missed” his Mom. All I could do was hold him and comfort him, tears ran down my face as I held him tight………….on the inside the volcano was building and the anger inside was more than it has been in a long time.
I should add that I did not hear back from my XW after I left 3 messages concerning the status of D14 over the course of the weekend, granted no response from her was needed, however I did wonder if she was even checking her voicemail given what my S10 was telling me.
My S10 tried to call one more time and it went straight to voice mail, I told him that he could call in the morning, and kissed him goodnite.
I went downstairs and tried to call on my cell and home phone to no avail……..probably a good thing, I was HOT!!! I processed the anger, calmed down and let it go………
It pains me to see my children suffer……..
My D14 is very mature and certainly gives the impression of being far older than she is………that being said, she is still a child and she is in pain.
My son is also in pain and suffers silently most of the time.
Last night I realized once again that I will be dealing with my XW’s MLC for years to come, it is an ugly beast. I know my XW is in pain herself, and is running from the path of healing which is fraught with even more pain.
After I get over the anger, I start to think of the person I used to know as my wife, the person that I still Love.
As my pain fades into the distance it becomes easier to have compassion for the person that used to be my Wife.
I didn’t think that I would ever be able to be in a place that I could say…….
“I hope she gets better, I hope she finds her way……..I hope that she slays the demons that torment her and I hope that one day she does find happiness again.”
I know that I could never have a relationship with her again and I am okay with that, however I still struggle at times with the anger……….I hope that I slay that dragon when my children’s suffering subsides.
Even post divorce the music plays on and the MLC dance continues……
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Thanks for sharing all that your kids are going through. It is infuriating. The selfishness of these parents is mind-blowing. It is the one aspect of MLCers that I cannot wrap my head around and have not been able to find compassion for.
I do not have any words or suggestions to help you. We do the best we can to comfort the kids, help them not take it personally (how can they not!) Like you, I have spent hours holding a crying, hurt and angry teen. This breaks my heart more than my H ever could.
Forums have helped me so much in knowing I am not alone, and that their behavior is not about me. I wish there was one for teens to discover the same.
Hugs to you and the kiddos....
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Words cannot take or change what you and your kids are going thru. I am here in whatever way you need buddy...an ear, a calm voice...whatever...
You know where and how to reach me. Anytime....anytime.
((((hugs)))))
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I know how hard this must be for you. My son has been struggling with severe depression for the four years this has been going on.
They are so lucky to have you as their father.
M, I know that it is hard to wrap your head around a mother who is causing such pain to her children. I cannot comprehend it myself.
I was never one to allow MLC to be used as an excuse for the horrendous behavior. They know right from wrong.
What I have done is acknowledge that I hate what my xh has done and how he's done it. I know I would have made different choices.
But, those were his actions. I had to accept that.
I know he is broken, as is your xw.
My friend, you cannot facilitate a relationship between your children and their mother without her willingness.
I know that is a difficult thing to comprehend
It is ok for you to be angry. Who wouldnt be? But, after you feel it, move away from it. The anger saps your energy. Energy better spent on yourself and your children.
So, continue to be the best dad you can be. Continue to let your children know that you are always there for them. You are their touchstone right now. If you are ok, they can begin to be ok, too.
MHL, as a mom I cannot imagine how your XW could be that way.
My H and I had issues with our D12 as well, she cut herself, but at least I am happy that my H put her ahead of his own issues. I can only thank God, and even if she is the reason for my H staying, I will accept it; I just can't imagine having my D go through such pain as yours.
I am crying right now and sending a prayer for you and your children.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I checked the phone records for my D14 and found that my XW tried to call her once during the last 60 days and had sent 1 text in the last 60 days…………….I must say that this angers me the most and it takes all I have to not blow my XW out of the water on this point.
Why not?
Why not blow her out of the water? MHL?
Quote:
My son is also in pain and suffers silently most of the time.
We LEARN not to provoke, or push when it comes to our wants and desires, and THAT is good. We teach ourselves to be...dependant upon ourselves, internal validation, self esteem and respect.
IF she is needed in your children's lives, MHL, why aren't you blowing up at her. There are no punches to be pulled here with her. There is no marriage to salvage with her, so saying you can do what needs to be done for your children.
And the poor me crying time of hers? Best time to hit them, make the crocodile tears real ones.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yes it is......I had a long conversation with my D14's therapist today. She has seen some effed up shat fo sure but she shared with me today that she has never seen such a willing abandonment from a mother such as my XW. She said that there are even "cracked out drug addict" mothers out there that show more caring for their children than my XW does for our kids.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
I do not know what to say....
I don't either Eric.......Out of frustration I did call my X-MIL last night. She supported me through out the time I was standing, however post-divorce I have kept my distance. X-MIL had texted me a couple days early wanting to know how she could help.
I simply told my X-MIL to tell her daughter to "Wake up", to tell her she is losing her children and causing damage that will last a lifetime or more and unfortunately will touch generations to come.
Originally Posted By: Brooklyn
My friend, you cannot facilitate a relationship between your children and their mother without her willingness.
You know Brook, I have mended the R between my D14 and my XW so many times now......it just doesn't work, she is a broken person as you said.
You know when she dropped the bomb she told me that I was controling and acted like her father......I cringed when she told me that. She even accused me of being controlling during the conversation we had last Thursday.
Funny thing is......she is trying to put me back in the very role that I have fought to shed. She wants me to tell her what to do. I simply want to put distance between us, however I seemed to get pulled back over and over again.
Originally Posted By: angel61
as a mom I cannot imagine how your XW could be that way.
I have been dating the same woman now for 5 months and even she doubts some of the things I tell her that my XW has done and she is a mother of 2. Every Mom I talk to just can't comprehend her actions.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Why not blow her out of the water? MHL?
Trust me Jack, I want to......I want too.
For now, I will say that is not who I am anymore. I was a complete ASSHAT prior to the bomb. I worked very hard for the changes in me and that is not who I am anymore.
There is so much more, but I need to sleep on it and visit back tomorrow.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers.
I will keep you updated.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I do not have kids involved and have NO idea how hard this is for you. Your words express it though.
All I want to say is my prayers are with you man, if you need to talk I'm here for ya too.
IF I had kids, without a doubt kids first and me second though. F her. This is one time you can be a A-Hole if you have too. Might not work, but if it does? Cool. If not DB is strong in you, do something differently for the kids. Do what you have to do. Post it here if you have to.
Whatever IT TAKES for your kids on this one. I support you and I'm thinking about you.
