You have received some very good advice. I would like to add to it by telling you of my weekend. No highjack; there is a moral.
My L contacted me on Friday with the Final Settlement. All good in my favor. Only backlash is I have to get out of the house in 3 months. As Beatrice advised me, it is also the final 'death knell' of our 20 y marriage. I came home and was literally and physiclly sick all weekend. Barely functioned. Made it to D's college Graduation. Went to Church on Sunday. Spent the rest of the time in bed with a whopping migraine-like headache and throwing up. Told them at work Monday I had a bug. I knew what it was.Panic. Monday afternoon, I visited a friend so he could kick me in the a$$. And he did. Threw up once more, and have functioned fine ever since.
Went through my day with a smile on my face. Smiled as I sat alone in the house last night figuring what I needed to keep out and what I could pack up. Smiled as I went to bed. The amazing revelation? I am free of being the caretaker of his dreams.
The old joke is "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", but I believe we, as women, as nurturer's, sublimate our own wants and desires to the men we love. It becomes our second nature. You mentioned it. So did Brook and Antonia. Unpleasant truths are resurfacing every day in my mind which I had managed to pack away in the attic of my thoughts and forget. These men weren't wonderful and perfect; they were perfect in our minds. Perhaps some of us even made that too heavy a load to bear.
So here's the thing. Claw your way back on top of your emotions. (with doctor's help, if necessary) Get them back in control, and look forward, not back. Overnight, it made a tremendous change in my outlook.
That doesn't mean there won't be disappointments, sad days, trips down memory lane, but at least we are moving forward and are that much more removed from their actuality.
Punkin your comment "I am free of being the caretaker of his dreams" is just nothing short of amazing. What a profound statement. I can add to your anecdote for IB's benefit--I spent a night last week with a close friend who was visiting. She was in a 4 year long-distance relationship with a guy in the navy. They met playing World of Warcraft and had this seemingly great relationship. They are in their early 20s. They married when he was about to leave for a 6 month duty overseas. She flourished in this time in their apt. She began grad school. Did well. Then he came back. Suddenly he wants to control everything about her. He expects her to cook his meals and pay attention to his numerous food allergies and he refuses to eat leftovers. He claims that she has to change her late night writing/studying schedule as he "can't sleep without her next to him." He says constantly "can't I just get you pregnant already, I really want a kid." (she wants kids, just not now). She has referred to bits of their life as "intolerable." And she's married less than a year. I'm watching her lose herself FAST in this marriage and all I can do is warn her that if you lose yourself it is SO hard to get yourself back.
I think that for a lot of us Punkin is right, we lost ourselves in that marriage and we idolized our spouses, and they encouraged us to do it. That's why it hurts so much to be rejected by them, because we gave them SO much power over us. If you met someone with your XH's prominent qualities right now, you would NOT feel empty if he rejected you. You probably wouldn't give him the time of day.
Again, find what you are without him. Can you articulate anything you remember was in your life that you really enjoyed before you met him?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Punkin - I know that sick feeling ALL too well! I'm sorry you are hitting it as well.
Antonia - great question. Anything I remember in my life - my friends and family. Reading. Dreaming. I was 18 when XH came into my life. I've never looked back and never regretted. Still don't. I have a great job, great kids, great friends/family. But I feel like a shell. Going through the motions. Don't know what I'm looking for - just want this pain to end.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You have no idea how hard it is to find yourself again. My W moved out a year ago. I ran to eharmony. Found the girl and sold myself that i was in love and this is my next wife. Well, my insomnia and anxiety came back full force. I kept searching for the answer...and it sounds like what we do in our marriages that fail. We say the right things, do the right things to please everyone but ourselves. Then somehow, we lose ourselves along they way. We become what everyone wants us to be. It works and gets the job done. The problem is what we are facing now. Who are we, what do we like. The girl I met was probably the nicest girl I have ever met. No matter how I tried, I just wasn't falling in love with her. But again, I continued to do and say the right thing until I imploded with my insomnia again and finally ended the relationship.
The only thing i have figured out so far, is that we have to find ourselves again. You have to find what makes us happy. Be selfish for the first time maybe. This is easier said than done. This is the advice everyone is giving me. But it is day by day, one foot in front of the other and we will get there. The pain is there everyday. It will get a little less I hope as each day passes. And your ex that fell so fast...I fell very fast and you learn real quick that these relationships aren't always what they seem..
Stay strong..
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Actually - I am proud of myself. I hired my son's gf to help me around the house and we accomplished a s**tload tonight! Much needed. No tears either - progress!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Ok you mentioned reading and dreaming. Let me tell you what my mom did after retirement. This was the first she felt she had time to go back to the things she used to love to do. So she started to read, and she made a point to read many classics she had never read. She still reads "beach reads" of course, and sometimes throws nonfiction in there, but reading is a big part of her life now. She goes to the library, to bookstores, booksales, and she reads a ton. I'd say that this defines her now and her relationship with my dad is not really a relationship--they will never divorce--I know it--but they really tolerate one another and there doesn't seem to be a lot of love there and hasn't been in 20 years or more. She also journals--that's the "dream" part, I think, for her. She will go places with my sister, for instance, and get a blank book and just narrate what they did, what they saw. Then she adds pics. She never did any of this when being a "wife" and "professional" defined her, but now it's a big part of her.
I'd suggest you start with what you mentioned. Go and get yourself some books--library or used books or new books, whatever. Read for pleasure. Get a pretty blank book and daydream about your future. Find who you are through these things and maybe some new things will follow...
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Hi, the comment you made about your h being in all of your adult life really rang true with me, and yet, like you I had a great job, and a busy life.
Nevertheless all the they key memories, and main events were shared, and there is a huge and aching sense of loss for a long time - the past feels unsafe. A good friend of mine who was widowed after a long and happy marriage said that in some ways what is happening to us is worse, which I thought was gracious, insightful and probably true.
Anyway, the big question is how we get through it. Antonia is right about going back to doing things we liked. Trouble is in our present emotional state they can seem unworthwhile, and I found it hard to concentrate for the longest time. I now know that this was shock and trauma, but I thought it would last for ever, and it frightened me.
I did find extremely helpful the exercise of finding 6 good tings that had happened each day, and being grateful for them.
What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that there really is no magic solution. All of these things help, and you will still have good days and bad days. But each time we bounce back a little better and a little faster. In fact I would say that each of the bad times is a prelude to feeling better, but that is with hindsight.
Personally I found understanding more about MLC helpful, but I know others think this causes us to remain stuck . . . so that is a personal decision, based I think on how we learn and move forward.
I am now OK, really OK not just faking it so my friends and family don't worry. I know I had a good and loving marriage, and I can safely revisit all of those memories, and I also know that my husbands reality is altered probably for ever, but that is not anything I can do anything about. he isn't happy, and may never be, and I am truly sorry about that. There was a time when I hoped he would suffer as I did . . . now I would not wish it on anyone. I even feel sorry for OW - what a horrible way to live.
The crunch is that it took me 5 and a half years to get it totally. Compared with people like Antonia and Mila this is a tremendously long time, but I got there in the end, and it was largely good for much of the intervening time. It gets better gradually, and you will come to love yourself and eventually the hateful journey. Hugs.
Made it through another day and accomplished quite a few things. Good feeling. Not looking forward to seeing XH and OW this weekend - but it is part of my routine now. S has tourney out of town. Middle D has banquet that I'm going to attend - just keep doing the next right thing - no matter how much it hurts.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
One day at a time, You will get there. I believe we will All someday find hope and happiness in our lives again. We go through the pain and become much stronger. TIPPER
Hi Irish just stopping bye.. and yes what a ride. Accomplishments do feel good, good days bad days.......one step at a time. Your a strong woman I know you'll find peace and happiness eventually. Sounds like your gonna be busy with the kids, enjoy Cindy
