Who am I now?

[irishblessings]

How do you get rid of the fear? The reality of my future is setting in. I am not finding it to be exciting or something I am looking forward to... I am embarrassed by the jealousy I feel regarding his new relationship. The jealousy I feel when I think of moments he and his new love will have with our kids. These ugly, pathetic emotions are making me physically ill. What am I going to do? How am I going to get through this? I don't have anything left to pull me up out of this hole. I don't want to be alone. I can't succeed with this hand I have been dealt. I see an IC, take anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds - and it still isn't helping me. I pray - I smile - I avoid - I show up.

What am I going to do?

[dl443322]

Honey, take it easy.

I have been where you are, more than once.

You will get through this. I promise you.

You can succeed. You will. You can do this. For you. For your children.

It is up to you to show them how to navigate through life's trials. Sorry, but your xh is not going to do it.

Let's take this one thing at a time.

Look at where you were. Look how far you've come.

Think about what you have already survived. His addictions, his leaving, his affair, his MLC, the divorce.

You have gotten through all that. You have been there for your son and your other children. You have shown incredible courage and strength.

No one knows what the future holds. You are not alone, IB. You have family and friends who love you.

We may want a mate, but we dont need one to survive.

It's time for you to start looking inward. Really and truly looking.

Happiness never comes from other people, It is a choice. It is a conscious decision each day to look at things from a healthy, positive perspective. It comes from within.

These are not just platitudes, IB.

So, try not to think about him and her because whatever you're imagining is most surely not what it is. I can almost guarantee you that. I'll tell you why. He is still broken. As long as he is, he is incapable of having a normal relationship.

Whatever time they spend with your kids will never replace your time with them. And you want your kids to have a relationship with their father. That is what is important.

I know it is hard, but it really does not serve you well to think about them.

You have gone through a whole lot in a short amount of time. sweetie. Go easy on yourself. This is all a process. Sometimes you take two or three steps back.

The important thing is to get back on the path.

It's start to think about you. What can you do that will fill you up?

What did you always want to try? What do you wish you were better at?
What is on your bucket list of places to go?

You CAN succeed with this hand. You can more than succeed. You can soar.

Try something different. Spread your wings a bit. Your son is old enough now for your to start living your life.

Live YOUR life, IB.

[seeking answers]

All is not as it seems, IB.

All does not stay as rosy as it appears right now.

B is right. You have come so far Pick yourself up, dust off, and keep putting one foot ahead of the other.

We're right here walking beside you IB.

[irishblessings]

Brooklyn - you are always the kindest, most thoughtful person. I am so grateful.

I have always been a survivor. A glass half-full person. You want me on your team. I am creative - I am a problem solver. I can make lemonade out of lemons. I can make you smile.

I have lost those skills. I truly gave my heart and soul to this man and when he left those aspects left as well. It's almost been a year and I don't feel any better. I see everyone getting better - everyone other than me.

I feel completely alone because I lost the one person I thought truly loved me and would never leave - let alone find love and happiness with someone else.

I don't want to sound like a broken record - nor do I want to sound like a whining, self-pitying pathetic woman. But I'm afraid that's who I am and I know that i am going to start losing what little support system I have in place because I'm not getting any better. I

[Queen_of_Swords]

I.B. although our circumstances are different on some levels...in September it will be two years for me.

I assure you, it will get better. You're doing the work. I'm not saying there will not be bad days mind you.

If you were like me, you pretty much stripped away any self esteem you had and internally took full blame for the collapse of your marriage and felt like an utter failure as a human being.
You weren't pretty enough, good enough, sexy enough, smart enough ...and on and on.

Truth is you are enough and you have enough.
I could tell you what you should do, but I'm not going to.
Instead, I'm going to ask you a few questions.

What can you Irishblessings do to recognise your worth?
What is it you can do to feed your soul, find your blissm nurture yourself?
What is so special and unique about you that defines who you really are? (There is no one else like you and no one that can take your place in peoples lives or in their history, please remember that!)

[dl443322]

IB, I want you to tell you some things.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic. My mother was a raging one. I never knew what I was going to wake up to. She said things to me no mother should ever say to a child. It was, to say the least, a horrendous childhood. Whether I was happy depended solely on whether she was having a good day.

I realized through this that I did the same thing in my marriage. If my h was happy, then I was. He, then my son, became everything to me. I spent the first half of my life trying to be the person my mom wanted to be and the next half trying to be who my h wanted me to be.

And in their eyes, I never measured up. I wasnt good enough. I know now that my mother has a disease. I know now that my h has control and self esteem issues.

I have forgiven them both. Nothing they did was with the intent to purposely harm me. They did the best they could with the tools they had.

I am telling you this because I know what it is be so wrapped up in another person. I never, ever thought my h would leave me. I was devasted. I was broken. I thought I would never make it through. It took me a long, long time to get my footing. Through therapy, meds, this forum, two good friends and my sister, I finally realized that I had no choice.

I could continue to sabotage myself and lose years or I could take control of my life.

I knew that if my h ever died, I would have survived it. If he or I got a life threatening illness or were in an accident, I would survive it.

We are so much stronger than we think. And I didnt want to lose more years of my life getting sick over something I have no control over.

So, I gave it over to God. I asked Him to take the pain and heartache and in return I would live as good a life as I could.

IB, I dont want to spend much time on talking about your xh. But, I am so very sorry that he did this. I am sorry that you are hurting.

I can tell you that what he has now is not love and happiness. How could someone be happy when they are so completely different then the person they always were? how can he be happy when he is struggling to have a relationship with his children? How can he be happy when he is broken? And really, I dont care if he is happy or not.

I care if you are. Let him go, sweetie. And begin your life. You become the best IB you can be.

I want to see the survivor, the glass half-full IB. I want to see the creative, problem solving, lemonade making, smile maker.

No one can take those things away from you. They are part of you. They are in there.

Strive to be that person every day. Some days you will make it, some you wont. But always let that be the goal.

IB, you will get through this. Put it in His capable hands. Come on now, one minute at a time, if you must.

[AntoniaB]

IB I completely get what you're saying--I feel like on some days I'm on a tightrope, and on one side is despair and the feeling that I can't succeed or be happy alone/without my XH and the other side is everything that represents what I can do as a single woman with a great support system of family and friends. That "bad" side of despair is always there, but I'm learning to look away from it.

If I did not have a few things right now to get my self-worth/make me feel accomplishment, I think I'd be caving in to that despair. A few months ago I kept saying "I'm so tired of fighting the depression." So what's the answer, give in? NO.

You're not giving in, or else you wouldn't be here asking for help.

For me, I found my garden and my book. I am putting a ton of work into my yard and garden and into research for my book. These are parts of me that were there but dormant, and now they define me. You have to find what makes you feel alive. You have to find what gives you a little bit of joy and then make that little thing a big thing in your life. When it becomes a big thing, your despair will be crowded out by it most days, and on the few days that it's not crowded out, you'll have the reserves to get through.

[AntoniaB]

Oh and if you say that the marriage made you feel alive/he made you feel alive, then to quote PEI, you have to keep digging, because something in you is dormant/was dormant in that marriage. There is something in there that has nothing to do with him and that's what you have to find/bring out.

[Tipper]

Irish,
I know we have only posted to each other a few times, but I see you as a very sweet person. One who can get the (above) qualities back when you apply them to anything in your life.

We all agree that the sit. with our R's just plain old stink and that it is not easy to get through. You are heartbroken - as most of us are or had been.

It is ok to feel those feelings as long as you dont let those feelings control your life. You can take control over those feelings once again, if you choose to.

You certainly are not a sad pathetic women. You are strong as Heck. Dont forget that!!!

Sometimes, I have heard many people on these boards move on and find new R's down the road - and many of them refer to that song by garth brooks "sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers"... just think that could be you some day. Be optimistic and keep your head up.

Dont feel your being repetitive here - it hurts and it is ok to say so as many times as you need in order to vent and to release it.

Then, you need to start saying that you will try to "thought block" - vision a stop sign in your head everytime you think of bad -jealous- resentful- hurtful thoughts and replace those thoughts with any thing that is positive in your life right now (ex: kids, family, friends, nature, pets, etc...).

This process has helped me to currently stop the crying for a time being. I think of my family and how great they have been to me in all this and how it has actually brought me so much closer to my parents than I ever could imagine. I think of the beauty of nature - I often see bald eagles across the street from my house on the river - what a blessing. I think of my Pets, esp. my dog snoop> she is so stinking cute.

We all have a lot to be happy for, if we just open our eyes to it. Thank God for those things! Some one else should not be what makes you happy - a relationship should not be what makes you happy - you should make you happy! Your worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!
TIPPER

[irishblessings]

B, Antonia, and Tipper -

Thank you for helping getting me through a very rough night. I am so very fortunate I found this site a year ago. To have a place where these "unmentionable" feelings can be aired is lifesaving.

All of the strategies you share are excellent and I do need to start with some type of gratitude journal to begin and end my day. I am so easily frustrated with myself because this journey is so hard and I can't believe how small of baby steps I actually take before I get overwhelmed. I then beat myself up for not being stronger and feel as though I am babying myself and being weak. I want someone to come in and tell me what to do each moment of the day. I can do what someone else wants me to do - and I can do it well. On my own, I am on that tightrope only I have vertigo and no core strength to keep moving straight.

Lots of work to do - thank you for being here. I love you all!