This means that YOU lead your heart, don't let your heart lead you.
Your heart is emotional, and you can't let a temporary FEELING lead the direction of your life.
Thanks Islander.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I also think that if you do somthing with sound logical motives and continue to do so. That eventually your heart will also be open to those ideals the emotional part will catch up with the logical part.
So in our sitchs, if we continue to do the right thing with clear consistent actions, and she sees that it is logical to be with us the LBS, then she can fall in love with us again.
I think that also plays a part in this.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Denver, it isn't just about being patient with or for your W, you have to be patient with yourself as well...
This isn't gonna happen overnight...
Ugh... I know. The reality of my new found circumstance is sinking in. finally.
Originally Posted By: cat04
When your W was spending all of that time with you...
It sounds like you became very involved with the R again and let your GAL stuff go...
A good relationship, consists of two independent people who share common goals, dreams, interests...
People who have and pursue those things together and their own stuff separatly and support each other in that...
A balance has to occur...
People who spend every possible second together...
Smother each other eventually...
Doesn't make for a very healthy situation...
Balance...very important...
There is no doubt that there has been no balance for the past 3 months. It has been me taking every single opportunity to show W how things will be different if we reconcile. That has been my entire focus during that time.
The result? My W came to feel smothered. So I went from one extreme (pre bomb) to the other. I have been so afraid of my W perceiving something I do or something that I don't do as a sign that I am just the same old Denver, that maybe I went overboard.
I also think that knowing or being afraid of OM lurking in the background has caused me to over compensate.
Balance is definitely essential for a successful R. I'm going to have to work on that.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
So in our sitchs, if we continue to do the right thing with clear consistent actions, and she sees that it is logical to be with us the LBS, then she can fall in love with us again.
I think that also plays a part in this.
Nine,
This can also be true. It is about becoming the better option. Removing what they see that makes them feel the negative emotions that they have toward us…
As they see the postitive, their thoughts change, and maybe, eventually, their feelings…
Originally Posted By: Denver
I have been so afraid of my W perceiving something I do or something that I don't do as a sign that I am just the same old Denver, that maybe I went overboard.
I also think that knowing or being afraid of OM lurking in the background has caused me to over compensate.
Two fears right up there…
Two fears that altered your behaviors (probably in somewhat of a positive way, but also in a negative way).
Personally, I think even when fear drives you to excel, it still isn’t the best thing. It has the potential to drive you beyond what you might otherwise do.
I was always fearful that something horrible, would happen to my son. He is my only child. To the extent that he went almost no where without me until he was about 12. In the end, I ended up running myself ragged, being a great mom, but also being very overprotective.
I finally had to realize that I couldn’t keep him safe forever and trust that he had learned the lessons that I tried to instill in him (ie strangers etc) and that he also knew how to get to help IF he needed it.
At some point, I had to learn to let go, let God, and learn to TRUST. TRUST in myself, TRUST in him, and TRUST in some unforeseen force that it would all be ok.
I still have fear that something will happen to him, but I don’t let those fears rule my thoughts or actions anymore…
Identify them Denver. You won’t be able to get rid of them all, but you can learn how to keep them from controlling you…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
[quote=ninelives]I also think that if you do somthing with sound logical motives and continue to do so. That eventually your heart will also be open to those ideals the emotional part will catch up with the logical part.
This re-caps the mantra I used about where the head goes, the heart will, eventually follow. If you know your course of action is the most likely to lead to a reconciliation AND OR simply a better you, and you KNOW this, eventually your heart will accept it.
So in our sitchs, if we continue to do the right thing with clear consistent actions, and she sees that it is logical to be with us the LBS, then she can fall in love with us again.
NO, the phrase "Where the head goes, the heart will follow" does NOT have anything to do with her. It's a self protective mantra that saves your heart from further turmoil b/c your heart listens to your head and your head will warn you of risky behaviors or mistreatment from another person, in order to save your heart...
Sure, your choice of behavior, may get her back a) but this is not a tactic aimed at that, specifically and b), her reaction is not relevant.
If she were a serial cheater and beat your child, badly, and you finally KNEW this, wouldn't your "feelings" be affected by what you now "KNOW" in your head? In that scenario, would you care if she were sad or wanted more alimony and blah blah blah or whatever? That, my friend, is letting your head lead your heart. Usually to a safer place based on the info you have at the time, which can change.
You would know your love for her was not a healthy option for you. At some point, your head telling you that she's a whack job with a nasty side, would sink in enough that your heart would realize it would be safer NOT to keep blindly following the emotion and instead would follow the head, telling itself "she's bad news"...and the heart wll thereby protect itself too. Does that help Denver?
You do your best "work" here and in your life and then, you leave the results up to HIM...
But does this all help you know what I meant?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You do your best "work" here and in your life and then, you leave the results up to HIM...
But does this all help you know what I meant?
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Yes 25. I understand. Thank you.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
W left me a voice message this morning warning me of a virus going around for our Apple computers. "Hey... this is W. blah, blah, blah... talk to you later."
I haven't responded and not sure that I should. No reason to really.
I have tickets to see U2 on Saturday. W is suppose to go with me. That is really the only thing that she and I need to talk about.
Suggestions?
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think maybe a text reply to her VM would be a good idea. Just something like a “Hey, got your VM, thanks for the heads up! *insert joke here if you want*”
The reason I say this is, you have said that you neglected her as her H.
Then, you have admitted, due to your fears, you smothered her since she reconsidered leaving you.
How about something in between?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
"Hey! Got your VM. Thanks for the heads up on the computer virus. I hope that your's is okay."
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
